Are you a wife trapped in a sexless marriage? Then you’re right for being concerned.
Lack of intimacy is actually one of the main reasons for divorce. So don’t let this issue go unresolved and drag on any longer.
The first thing to do is download the Irresistible Wife Blueprint. This free resource will show you the three foundational pillars of marriage success.
These are industry secrets that you won’t hear from anywhere else. Implementing them correctly not only brings your marriage back on track, but also skyrockets your intimacy and connection to the next level.
Once you have the blueprint, dive into this article so you can learn what it takes to be the woman of your man’s dreams again.
You don’t have to put up with a sexless marriage. You deserve and can have so much more than that.
You can have effortless attraction and action with your partner. Keep reading this article to revive the passion you once had.
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My Sexless Marriage Is Killing Me!
Of course it is.
Sex is a vital component to most marriages. When you suddenly find yourself in a place where your spouse refuses to have sex with you, you’ve become an involuntary celibate. This can have various consequences as we’ll explore later in this article. If it has started by you not being happy with your husband, then check out this article ‘what to do when your husband doesn’t satisfy you sexually.‘
But before we get started let’s look at what qualifies as a sexless marriage.
Sex is often unconsciously avoided because of discomfort.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
What Is a Sexless Marriage?
As the name suggests, you’re in a marriage without sex. But infrequent sex is also considered a sexless marriage.
Sexless Marriage Definition
According to this article, a sexless marriage is when you have sex less than ten times per year. That looks like a very concrete number. But here’s the thing, some people are happy with this amount of sex. In which case, there’s no problem.
In short, there’s no fixed number that lets you know whether you’re in a sexless marriage or not.
What’s more important to note is that you’re not happy with the amount of sex that is taking place in your relationship. The basis of a sexless marriage is that one partner is avoiding sex. This can have various reasons as we see later on.
Sexless Marriage Symptoms
Here are some common symptoms you’ll notice when you’re in a sexless marriage:
- You don’t know when the last time was that sex has occured.
- You don’t want to approach your partner because you’re afraid he’s going to shut you down.
- It’s painful to think about the state of your sexual intimacy in your relationship.
- You start fantasizing about getting it from someone else.
- You can’t talk about sex with your partner without one of you getting hurt.
If you find any of these symptoms, you know that something isn’t right in your sex life.
Is a Sexless Marriage Normal?
Is being overweight normal?
Yes. About two thirds of Americans are overweight. Does that mean it’s healthy? No.
A sexless marriage is fairly common, but it’s often not healthy. Rather than looking for what’s normal, how about you define what kind of relationship you’d like to have?
You never ever will have an Exceptional Relationship when you try to conform to the ‘norm.’ Only when you stand in your truth will you have the relationship of your dreams. There’s no other way.
But in case you’re curious to know how common a sexless marriage is, let’s look at the numbers:
How Many Marriages Are Sexless?
Depending on the source, there’s an estimate of it being 15-20%. We believe that the number might be higher as sex is often a touchy subject.
Also, it’s good to keep in mind that a relationship can go through phases of decreased and increased sexual activity. As you’ll see in the next section, there are plenty of short term events that can lead to a ‘sexless marriage.’
Strive to have a ‘normal’ relationship and you’ll be unhappy.- Jachym Jerie
What exactly happens so that people end up in a sexless marriage? There are a lot of reasons, let’s look at a few of them.
Sexless Marriage – Husband Not Interested
He’s refusing to sleep with you. Any sexual advancements are shut down, but why?
Mental Health Issues
It happens to the best of us.
Things like depression or an anxiety disorder can seemingly appear out of nowhere. These things will have an impact on his sex drive. As much as sex is physical, it’s also energetic and mental. Being in a depressed state leads to low energy and lots of negative thoughts.
Not the best place to be in to have hot and passionate sex.
Big Life Stressors
We all know it…
- A deadline is looming over our head.
- Our company is laying people off and we don’t know whether we’re still going to have a job the next day.
- Someone close to us dies.
These things can be quite a stress factor and can kill the desire for sex. Your partner’s head is simply not in the right place.
Hormonal Imbalances
We have various hormones that contribute to our overall well-being and a healthy sex drive. One of these hormones is testosterone. If your man suffers from low testosterone levels, it will impact his desire for sex as well.
Porn Addiction
While porn addiction isn’t an official diagnosis, overconsumption of porn will impact your sex life. One of the most important factors in having meaningful and fulfilling sex is your ability to connect. Masturbating to pixels on a screen doesn’t facilitate connection. If anything, it brings more disconnection.
It’s the immersion in this fantasy world that will make normal sex look boring and unappealing.
We’ve looked at various issues that can lead to a sexless marriage. But we’ve just scratched the surface of it.
What Are the Causes of a Sexless Marriage? – Relationship Issues
A sexless marriage doesn’t just happen.
It occurs within the dynamic the two of you have. So let’s look at why a sexless marriage comes about in a relationship.
Men and women aren’t the same, which is why they’re attracted to each other.- Jachym Jerie
Loss of Polarity
Attraction needs polarity.
You need the masculine and the feminine energies to interplay. But that means you’ll have friction as well. Most people don’t like that so they settle for agreeableness instead of polarity.
But when we’re all agreeable with each other, we lose the attraction. We’ve gone from passionate lovers to roommates. How do you reverse it? We’ll discuss that later in the article.
Mismatch in Libido
Some people want sex more often than others. There’s nothing wrong with that. But when you have a mismatch in libido and you don’t handle it correctly, you’ll end up in a sexless marriage. Here’s how this happens:
One partner pursues the other. They feel put under pressure and withdraw. The other partner feels neglected and pursues harder. And the cycle continues.
Before you know it, sex has become a taboo topic in your relationship. You both feel misunderstood, undervalued, and not seen. Talking about sex is painful and usually leads to one of you feeling hurt.
What used to be an activity that brought you closer is now a thing that drives you apart. To avoid further hurt, you decide to stop having sex. It simply isn’t working anymore and you drift apart.
Uncomfortable Talking About Sex
If you can’t talk about sex, you can’t have good sex.
Your partner won’t be able to read your mind. You won’t be able to explore each other’s fantasies. You can’t tell your husband what he’s doing right and what you don’t like. How are you supposed to keep a fulfilling sex life?
One day you really like something he does, but the next day it’s too much. He needs to know that. You end up in a sexless marriage because of the lack of communication about it. You have to normalize sex and talking about sex, otherwise you won’t be able to get out of your sexless marriage. We can help you.
Mishandling of the Issue
If sex is a difficult subject, you need to treat it correctly. But most people don’t. They think it’s about:
- What kind of sex you’re having
- The frequency of having sex
- The various sexual acts
I can tell you right now, that’s not the case. Sex is neutral. It has no innate quality that makes it great. So what you’re dealing with in your relationship are two different meanings of sex. For you it might mean deep connection, self expression, and passion.
For your partner it could mean a way to get short-lived pleasure. It could also mean that it’s uncomfortable. These two meanings don’t add up. But you keep talking about sex as an act rather than what it does for you.
The more you’re incapable of going deeper with your partner, the more you keep circling around the issue feeling misunderstood, neglected, and hurt. Before you know it, you’ve entered a sexless marriage because sex is such a hot topic that just bringing it up can ruin the day.
A relationship that isn’t aligned to love, is a relationship that will create more hurt.- Natasha Koo
Unhealthy Patterns Are Not Addressed
Sex isn’t an isolated act.
It happens within the relationship. This means that:
- Unresolved conflicts
- Resentment
- Power plays
Can interrupt your sex life.
Why?
Because these things can interfere with your connection which is essential for sex to occur. Unless you like to use each other’s bodies as extended masturbation tools, then you don’t need connection. But you’ll also be missing out on what sex can really become.
You need to address these issues in order to turn your sexless marriage around. Now that we’ve looked at the various causes and reasons for a sexless marriage, let’s see what impact it has on you.
How a Sexless Marriage Affects a Woman
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not just the women who refuse sex.
There are plenty of men who aren’t satisfying their women’s sexual desires and leave them wanting more. But what are the effects on women? Let’s find out.
Sexless Marriage Effect on Wife
You know the effect it has on you, but it’s good to hear what other women feel as well.
Feeling Ugly
He doesn’t want to sleep with you. How else would you feel? You want to be desired by him like he did when you first met. But when he stops looking at you, complimenting you, and ravishing you, the only conclusion you come to is that you’re not desirable.
That’s not true.
As we’ve discussed above, there are plenty of other reasons your husband won’t sleep with you, your looks aren’t as important as the other reasons we’ve listed out.
Sense of Neglect
When sex stops, connection stops as well.
It’s not that sex is essential for connection, but being sexually rejected by your husband makes you withdraw. It’s a protection mechanism. But when you stay withdrawn, your connection isn’t coming back.
Your husband will also withdraw and you’ll feel even lonelier. It’s understandable that people feel neglected when their partner refuses to sleep with them.
Not Good Enough
It becomes personal.
It always does.
When your husband stops wanting you, you think you’re not good enough for him. It’s one of those pesky little stories your mind keeps telling you. By now, you hopefully know that him not wanting to have sex with you can have countless other reasons.
And here’s the thing: your value is independent from whether your husband sleeps with you or not. So even if you feel like you’re not good enough, it doesn’t mean that you actually are not good enough.
Doubt
He doesn’t want you and your mind goes crazy.
“Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Is he cheating?”
“I’m done with this relationship, it just isn’t working for me.”
And all kinds of other thoughts are surfacing. The interesting thing is that when he does sleep with you, these thoughts look ridiculous to you. How come?
Whenever we don’t get our needs met, our mind can go into overdrive. It’s a protest behavior from our brain. But when we lack perspective, we believe these thoughts to be true. They aren’t. They are more like a baby’s cries that’s in distress.
You don’t have to disregard the baby, but you definitely don’t want to take action on these thoughts.
Sex is neutral, which is why we all ascribe different meanings to it.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
Emotional Effects of Sexless Marriage on Wives
Here are a few things that are very common for you to feel:
Resentment in Sexless Marriage
You resent your man for neglecting you. This can show up in various ways, like becoming hypercritical of him or nagging him. You can start blaming your husband for small mishaps. Underneath all of these behaviors could lie resentment.
Anger in Sexless Marriage
You’re so done with it. You keep trying to fix it with no success. It almost seems that the harder you try, the less it’s working out. We know that.
In our work with women like you, we first get them to stop working so hard on their relationship. Instead, you want to reorient yourself towards joy! How else are you going to respark your marriage? It won’t come from a place of desperation.
Loneliness in Sexless Marriage
You feel neglected.
The more you try to talk it out, the less it’s working. You seem to be all alone in this. That’s where loneliness comes from. The companionship you once had is lost. You’re not facing in the same direction. It’s as if the issue is tearing you apart.
But don’t despair. There’s hope. We can help you change this again. You can have your marriage become:
- Passionate
- Deeply connected
- Intimate
- Loving again!
And you don’t have to do it yourself. Just head over here now, and let us help you. We’ve got the blueprint to create your dream-come-true marriage!
Depression in Sexless Marriage
With loneliness can come depression.
You start to feel hopeless. Life has lost its meaning. That’s how severe a sexless marriage can impact you. This is especially the case if you don’t have a solid support system around you where you can talk about your problems.
Shame
Because your mind has the idea that your marriage is supposed to thrive, you feel ashamed when it isn’t. This is especially true when you don’t realize that plenty of marriages struggle with sex. In your mind, everyone else is making love all the time.
Nope.
Many couple have periods where they don’t have sex at all. Some struggle for years. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. It happens to all of us.
Dangers of Sexless Marriage
You deep down know it.
Being in a sexless marriage isn’t good for you. It comes with inherent risks. We’re after all sexual beings, so what happens to that sexual energy when we don’t express it with our partner?
Infidelity
Being in a sexless marriage increases the chance that one of you cheats. Nowadays we get in contact with the opposite sex all the time. You and your partner are working in offices with hot women and men around.
When you feel sexually frustrated and someone else pursues you, why wouldn’t you go for it?
Because it’ll potentially destroy your marriage. But at that moment it doesn’t matter. You feel alive again. And that’s exactly the danger a sexless marriage runs into.
Trying to suppress your sexual desires makes them come forth in unconscious ways.- Jachym Jerie
Disconnection
Unless you know how to navigate a sexless marriage, you’ll end up being disconnected on all levels. The hurt is driving you apart. The only way to prevent that from happening is to lean into the hurt and towards your partner. You don’t want to do that because it’s scary. So what happens?
You disconnect.
Before you know it, you’re living together and you carry the term ‘married’, but you’re worlds apart. Don’t let it get this far. Get help now!
A Lot of Fighting and Hurt
A relationship can handle conflict. But it can’t handle continuous fighting and hurting each other.
Conflict is simply a difference in opinion.
Fighting is the mishandling of the conflict which ends up being hurtful. With the lack of sex, you don’t show each other physically how you love each other. Being intimate with each other can deeply bond you, which then helps to weather these kinds of differences. But without the intimacy, you’re running low on the feelings of:
- Appreciation
- Love
- Connection
That’s why sex is important in a relationship. It adds another dimension of relating that can’t be conveyed in words.
What Percentage of Sexless Marriages End In Divorce?
The estimate lies at about 40-50%.
Intimacy is important. And you don’t want to neglect it. The risk of the relationship falling apart slowly is simply too great. As you’ve seen in the discussion above, sex can be a vital component to strengthen the relationship.
Now that you know the numbers, you probably don’t want to end up in the same situation and head to the divorce lawyer. So the next question is:
Can a Sexless Marriage Be Saved?
Yes.
But it requires work and patience. You need to know what’s led to it and address these issues. If you’ve been too sexually aggressive, then that needs to change. If you have a mismatch in libido, you need to find ways to accommodate the gap.
If you’re willing to hang in there and acquire the skills that are needed for a healthy relationship, then you can fix your sexless marriage for good. You can restore the passion and love you once had for each other.
Now before we go deeper into how you can rekindle your sexless marriage, let’s look at the topic of cheating first.
How to Survive a Sexless Marriage Without Cheating
If your mind is set to ‘survive’, then good luck.
- You’re not being honest with yourself about what you truly want.
- You’re not willing to stand up for what you need.
- You’re looking to make yourself comfortable with your marriage not being ok.
All of these things are really bad for you and your relationship. You’re compromising your integrity and in the long run it will ruin your marriage for good. So rather than looking to survive, let’s aim to thrive!
Since you can’t have sex with your husband right now, you probably are thinking of cheating.
Is It Ok to Have an Affair in a Sexless Marriage?
No.
You’ve made a commitment to your partner and now you’re going to break it. If you want to sleep with other people, you need to let your partner know that you can’t keep the commitment. Any behavior that goes behind your partner’s back is simply not acceptable.
You’re going to break the trust of your husband and potentially end your marriage. So find the courage to be honest with your partner and tell him the truth of what you want to do. This kind of conversation will be uncomfortable but it’s necessary. We’ll cover more on how to talk to your husband about your sexless marriage later.
Since having an affair isn’t ok, let’s look at how you stop yourself from cheating.
Don’t go behind your partner’s back. Be courageous enough to speak your truth.- Natasha Koo
How Do You Stay Faithful In a Sexless Marriage?
Here’s what not to do:
Suppress your sexual desires until you can’t take it anymore.
Instead, you want to do the following:
- Be honest to yourself and what your needs are.
- Promise yourself that you’ll take action to stand up for your needs.
- Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling.
You do not have the obligation to stay in a sexless marriage. And you need to be very clear about that with your partner. Life’s too short to put up with situations that aren’t good for you. Stay in your integrity!
When you’re clear on the three points mentioned above, you’re honoring what’s true for yourself and you’re backing it up with action. If your actions aren’t fruitful, you can reevaluate the situation and decide what you want to do.
But you don’t allow yourself to go behind your partner’s back.
We’ve covered a lot of ground. It’s time to dive into how you can spice up your sexless marriage again!
How to Deal With a Sexless Marriage as a Woman
You don’t have to put up with this!
You can turn your sexless marriage around. Let’s look at the specific steps you need to take to set the stage for change to occur.
Be Clear Why Sex Is Important to You
Why do you want to have sex with your man? What does it give you? Look into these questions. They’re important because they give you clarity on why you want to put in the work to change things. Without a clear understanding, you won’t take the required action. Be as clear and as honest as possible.
Just How Important Is It?
How important is sex for you? Is it a deal breaker if it doesn’t change? You want to connect to the energy to be very clear that you’re ready to do whatever it takes to change things. Without your conviction, you won’t break the old patterns. That’s why we recommend to really spend some time feeling into your body to discover how important this is to you.
If you think that this matter is only semi-important, then imagine what would happen if you were to have no sex for the rest of your life. Really connect to that idea and see what happens when you do.
We can’t make a change in our life if we don’t see how important it is for us.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
Become Irresistible And Fix Your Sexless Marriage for Good
How do you do that?
1. Unleash Your Inner Goddess
To re-establish sexual chemistry, you need to reconnect to your feminine essence. The deeper you relax into your femininity, the more attractive you become to your man. Does that mean that you have to become a stay-at-home mom?
No.
But it does mean that you want to be at peace with:
- Your sensuality
- Your sexuality
- Being a woman
So many women are unconsciously at war with their womanhood. You won’t end your sexless marriage if you keep that war going. Instead, you want to celebrate your sensuality and sexuality. You want to embrace fully how good it is to be a woman.
If you don’t do that, your feminine energy will be blocked and you won’t reestablish the polarity between you and your partner.
We focus an entire module in our Cherished Wife Program on just that. To be at peace with yourself as a woman and to unguard your heart. These two things are so necessary for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Without it, you’ll always feel short changed.
Unleashing your inner Goddess means to surrender to your feminine essence.- Natasha Koo
2. Create a Space for Harmonious Love
Negativity kills sexuality.
Men aren’t drawn to women who treat them like children. He wants you to be his lover. So if you find yourself:
- Nagging
- Blaming
- Complaining
- Criticizing
- Shaming
- Attacking
Even if these things are done with good intentions, you need to cut them out. All of these patterns are rooted in fear. They ultimately turn your husband off and he goes looking for fulfillment somewhere else. Whether that’s in his work, hobbies, or with friends.
Instead, you want to realign your relationship to love. This means that you create a space of:
- Appreciation
- Gratitude
- Understanding
- Love
- Respect
These things are very much necessary for reviving the intimacy in your relationship.
The more negative the associations are towards you, the more your spouse withdraws.- Jachym Jerie
3. Get Inside Your Man’s Brain
The better you understand him, the better you can treat him in a way that will restart your sexless marriage.
Your man thrives on respect. It’s one of the most important things to him. But respect for you probably doesn’t mean the same for him. Men want to know that they are needed. That you trust them.
When you’re busy telling him what to do, you’re not showing him that you trust him. With the lack of respect and trust, sex goes out the window as well. But here’s the thing: you can’t have control and intimacy at the same time.
So you got to choose. Do you want to have the intimacy back, or do you want everything to be done in the household to your liking?
Does it mean that you have to shut up and just put up with how he does things? No. But how you’ve been doing it so far hasn’t worked. So we suggest changing dynamics.
On top of that, you want to actually explore your man’s world. How does he express love? How does he receive love? What does he find really attractive? All of these things need to be talked about. The more you see what he needs, the more you can meet his needs.
And the good news is that he’ll be in a place of actually meeting your needs as well when his cup is full.
As a woman, you deserve to be cherished, pampered and ravished by your man. At the end of the day, he wants to please you and see you in the utmost pleasure.
In this article, we covered the practical tips for any wife trapped in a sexless marriage. Don’t ever feel bad for wanting more out of your relationship. That includes how you feel and what you experience within the bedroom.
This very desire could save your sexless marriage from divorce. What can you do now to bring the fun and intimacy back? Review our tips on how to deal with a sexless marriage so that you don’t let your frustration and disappointment rule you.
Work with us so you never have to figure things out on your own again.
FAQ – Tips For a Sexless Marriage
We’ve outlined a lot in the article, but you probably still have questions. That’s why we created this FAQ for you.
How Do I Talk to My Husband About Our Sexless Marriage?
You want to bring it up to him, but you don’t know how.
The very first thing that you need to do is become clear for yourself.
- What do you want to talk about?
- Why?
- And what are you trying to achieve?
The clearer you are, the easier it’ll be to communicate it to your husband. Once you’re clear on it, you want to bring up the topic. But before you do that, make sure that your relationship has a good foundation. This is especially important if sex has become a taboo topic.
So before you dive in, we recommend you spend time together doing fun things. We also recommend that you discuss other topics first that aren’t as daunting as this one.
Once you’re on a solid foundation, you can then talk about your sexless marriage. The important points to keep in mind are:
- Be truthful.
- Stay away from blame or finger pointing.
- Remember that you’re a team facing an issue together.
- Listen to him and his side of the story.
- You don’t have to discuss it all in one go.
- If things get heated, take a break.
If you can’t maintain respect in the conversation, you want to work on your communication skills.
Communication is a dance, not a warzone.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
Letter to Husband About Sexless Marriage
Dear Husband,
I don’t know how to express this to you, so I decided to write a letter to you. We’ve tried to talk about this subject before and it always ended in more hurt. I don’t want to hurt you nor do I want to hurt myself.
We got married because we wanted to be together. We saw a bright future where we would spend lots of time together laughing, loving, and enjoying each other’s company. But right now, I feel neglected and rejected. I don’t remember the last time we had sex and I am afraid of initiating it because you might reject me.
I understand that you may have no intention of hurting me, yet I am helpless to how I feel. Something has to change. I don’t know why you’re not interested in sleeping with me, but it just makes me feel:
- Undesirable
- Ugly
- Not good enough
I start to doubt myself and our relationship when I think about our sex life. I don’t wish to put you under pressure, but it’s clear to me that I can’t keep going like this.
I love you and you’re very important to me, which is why I really want us to work together to find a solution to this issue. We can’t just ignore it any longer. Please help us.
Please let me know a time when we can discuss this after you had some time to think about it yourself.
Love,
(your name)
When to Walk Away From Sexless Marriage
There’s no easy answer to this question. We recommend that you seek professional help, and do your best to turn things around. Only after you’ve given it your all, is it time to move on.
Nowadays we’re too quick to either:
- Ignore the issue until it’s out of hand.
- Walk away.
Relationships have their ups and downs, and running away at the first sight of trouble isn’t going to fix things. If anything, you’ll just experience similar issues in the next relationship.
Ignoring issues and sweeping them under the rug is only going to backfire. Address what’s bothering you! It’s uncomfortable, but waiting too long will make it even worse.
You never have to stay in a relationship that’s not true to you.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
Can You Divorce Because of a Sexless Marriage?
Yes.
You can divorce for any reason. It’s your life and your decision. In most places you can simply state that you’re not compatible.
How to Be Happy in a Sexless Marriage
The only reason you’d want to be happy in a sexless marriage is when your spouse can’t have sex with you because of medical conditions and you don’t want to leave them nor have sex with someone else.
In this case, you can learn to redirect the sexual impulse towards other means. It’ll take some time for your brain to rewire and for you to be comfortable to not have sex in your life anymore. That said, this can be very challenging to do as you can see with priests who are supposed to be celibate but are having sex between each other or with kids.
Therefore we do recommend that you do an extensive reading on this subject. The best place to start is to look at authors like Mantak Chia who are looking at how to transmute sexual energy.
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