‘If only I did things differently, my marriage would be better off.
If only I would’ve been the perfect wife, maybe my relationship wouldn’t be in a rut.’
Do these types of thoughts haunt you?
They’re here because your husband has always blamed you for everything. It’s not entirely your fault but you took all the blame anyway.
If you’re stuck in this place right now, I need you to hear this:
Accepting blame for things you didn’t do creates more harm than good. It builds a wall between you and him.
Resentment grows and the anchor of your marriage shifts from love to fear.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can have a blame-free relationship by following these 5 easy steps.
Fixing things is hard-wired in us, but it’s not an excuse for you to always accept misplaced culpability. Read on to learn the reasons why you don’t need to accept blame and what you can do with it instead.
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Blame Gets You Stuck
There’s no growth in blame. It leads to someone being the scapegoat. Here’s why this is a problem:
You’re not doing your partner a favor when you accept blame.
Instead, you allow the dysfunctional behavior to go on unchecked. Neither being blamed nor blaming is pleasant. But your partner won’t get the chance to change if you simply take the blame on.
When there’s a scapegoat, you don’t need to think of a solution.
Because the problem obviously is the scapegoat. Just get rid of the problem and you have your solution. But the problem has been misidentified because of the blame. That’s why you get stuck.
Blame goes on forever- until you stop believing it.– Jachym Jerie
Accepting Blame Is Easy – Confronting the Blamer Isn’t
It’s an easy way out.
Just agree that you’re the problem and the blamer is at ease. Reject the blame and you have conflict at your hands. The reason you shouldn’t accept blame is because you’re perpetuating the problem: blame.
Not only that. You’re also allowing yourself to take the easy route. Instead of having some difficult and challenging conversations, you’re allowing the status quo.
Ask yourself these:
What if I stopped taking the blame?
What could I do that brings this relationship forward?
Do you see how these questions shift the focus?
That’s where you need to look. Don’t stay with the blame. Tap into your creative potential and free yourself from this toxic communication pattern for good.
What To Do When You Get Blamed For Something You Didn’t Do?
I just walked into the kitchen and Natasha burned her toast. I happened to pass by and I got blamed for it. I didn’t know that she was making toast. So why was it my fault?
But I felt responsible for it anyways.
At this point in our relationship, blame had become a daily occurrence. For some reason Natasha expected me to foresee any potential discomfort she could go through and prevent it from happening. If I didn’t, I was to blame.
Here’s what you can do when you get blamed for something you didn’t do:
Acknowledge What They’re Feeling
Blame doesn’t come from nowhere. The blamer is usually upset. Some misfortune has struck them and they’re trying to grapple with it.
Rather than telling them off for blaming you, simply acknowledge that you see their distress.
Him: Can’t you see that I was making toast? C’mon, do I have to beg you to help me? If you would just step up it wouldn’t have happened!
Her: Yeah, it must suck that the toast got burned. You’re probably hungry too.
Him: Yes! Am I the only one in this household who cares?
Her: Well, you are important to me but from what I’m hearing you don’t feel that way.
Do you see how she defuses the situation by not jumping on the blame carousel?
Instead, she hears and acknowledges what he’s feeling.
Blame can’t coexist with compassion.– Natasha Koo
Don’t Take on the Blame
Whatever you do, don’t cave in and take the responsibility on your shoulders. You want to ensure that you stay true to what happened in your perspective.
This can be challenging at first because you’re used to taking the blame. But the more you are in tune with yourself, the easier you can communicate with compassion and strength at the same time.
You could say that accepting blame is equivalent to accepting a lie. You didn’t do anything wrong, yet you get blamed for it. That’s why the antidote to blame is staying truthful.
Are you struggling with not accepting blame?
I know it can be scary to come back to embodying and living your truth. But it’s the only way forward. If you’re struggling with this, read on as we’ve got you covered.
How To Not Accept Blame?
Are you good enough?
Can you see your own innocence?
If you don’t answer ‘yes’ to both questions, then you’ll keep accepting blame. You might think that it’s your partner’s fault for blaming you. But when you stop accepting and internalizing it, the blame won’t reach you.
Question Your Thoughts
Thoughts are tricky.
They present themselves as truth. But in reality, they’re only concepts- incomplete and flawed. The way out of blame is simple, but it takes persistence:
Question your thoughts.
Rather than accepting them for truth, ask yourself if they’re really true. This system here will be of great help for doing that.
The less you buy into them, the less power they have. Until you realize that they never had any power besides the one you gave them, that’s the moment you walk free from blame.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Blame is harsh.
It cuts and pierces.
This is why the antidote to blame is softness. Next time you feel blamed, stay with the feelings inside of you. Feel what’s really going on.
You might be surprised to find out that underneath the reaction of taking on the blame can be other feelings like:
You won’t be able to reach this deeply into yourself if you don’t bring more kindness into your heart. It’s through self-compassion that you can truly unwind these tender spots and heal yourself deeply.
When blame comes your way again, you won’t react the same way anymore because you’re reacting from a place of hurt, but from a place of wholeness.
Find out who you really are and blame will disappear.– Natasha and Jachym Jerie
We often beat ourselves up whenever things don’t work out the way we want. We take responsibility for mistakes that we didn’t commit. We’re blinded by the thought that the stronger the pain, the bigger the love is.
But love and pain don’t co-exist in a healthy marriage.
Ask yourself and go deeper beyond what you think love is.
Making the pieces fit together doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility for everything even if it’s not your fault, even when it breaks your heart.
It’s easy for us to get stuck in the toxic cycle of blame. Getting out of it seems to be difficult but here the thing:
You’re only one decision away from that nourishing marriage you’ve been wanting. All it takes is for you to choose wisely between blame and accountability.
Start appreciating yourself and saying no to things that bring you pain. Getting out of the blame trap is a choice you have to make.
You can’t expect your husband to do the work you needed to do for yourself. The blame will keep coming your way if you continue to believe that every little thing that upsets him was something that you contributed to.
Heal yourself from within. Bring more love and kindness to your heart. When he sees that you truly care and love yourself, he’ll be naturally drawn towards mirroring those same elements.
Showing him how good you treat yourself serves as his standard on how he should do things for you. Not just that.
You step up not just for yourself but for the both of you. Being your best self inspires him to be his best self as well. See how wonderful things could be when you appreciate and heal yourself?
If this sounds like a scary and drastic change for you then don’t worry. That’s why we teach women in our flagship Cherished Wife Program how to unleash their inner Goddess so that taking care of themselves without guilt becomes the norm.
Want to know how to get started with the healing and self-love and let go of all the blame?
Click here to sign up for the coaching program that can make you the happiest woman and wife in the world.
It’s up to you.
You can have a dream marriage where blame is totally out of the picture.
Learn from those who have shifted away from blame and live a life anchored on love. You deserve no less.
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