You can’t get a word in.
Your partner sits there, rambling on and on like you’re not even there.
No interest in you.
Just words, words and more words with barely a breath in between.
By now, you’ve had enough.
Aren’t we in a relationship because we want to feel heard, connected and loved?
What if your partner does none of those things the moment he/ she starts talking?
Hey, no worries. We’ve got your back and you’re in the right place.
Great thing you came across us and this article, because there is a solution. You’re about to find out how to create a more balanced and healthy marriage communication.
All those questions you have spinning in your head:
- What can you do when your partner talks too much?
- How can you bring it up with your partner?
- What’s the cause of this problem and how did it get to this point?
We’ll be answering them right here. You’ll soon know exactly what to do plus practical exercises to deepen your connection with your partner today. Let’s get started!
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I can’t possibly interrupt, it’s rude!
We’ve been trained that you shouldn’t interrupt someone. Instead we should listen to people and make them feel heard.
While it’s true that listening is an amazing gift for people, it’s very different when you’re faced with someone who talks obsessively. Here’s why:
The person isn’t talking because they need to be heard, they’re talking because they can’t help themselves. It’s a compulsion. If you let the compulsion run wild, neither you nor your partner will benefit from it.
By sitting quietly and letting your husband or wife run wild, you’re neglecting yourself and your own boundaries. If you want to stay with your spouse, you have to step up and address this issue head on.
Is a conversation about one or two people?
It’s about two. It’s not about the talker, it’s a shared experience with your partner! This means that if either one of you isn’t enjoying it, you have to address it. Would you have sex with someone if they just used you for their obsession? No.
This is no different. Even though your situation has become impossible to deal with, we’re about to share with you the key tools that’ll help shift your relationship. Imagine a relationship that feels more balanced, respectful and deeply connected. Read on to find out how to achieve it in your life now.
Why Does My Partner Talk So Much? Up
There are different reasons why your husband or wife is talking too much. Here are a few:
- They’re insecure and try to cover all their bases to make sure they won’t get an objection from someone.
- They had bad role models growing up.
- They can’t handle stillness because their thoughts are too much for them.
- They can’t handle their emotions so they push them away with constant distraction like talking.
- They grew up in an environment where people thought it’s weird if you don’t talk a lot.
- They have some underlying mental condition that contributes to their talking too much. (seek professional help)
- They are self-obsessed and think they’re more interesting than others.
Whatever the reason is, you have to find a way to address it. Afterall, you’re the one who has a difficult time with it. I know, it can be difficult to bring topics like this up, but the alternative is to stay in a marriage where you’re unhappy.
You’ve probably realized by now that it’s pointless to wait for your partner to change. This is important, because it is true. There’s no need to wait for your spouse. You have the power to shift the dynamic of your relationship right now.
All it takes is your dedication and application of the right tools. No worries, we’ll guide you through each step in this article. Creating lasting and satisfying relationships is our forte so you’re in good hands. Now let’s find out why you have a lot more control over the situation than you think.
Why Do You Let Your Partner Talk Too Much?
It’s one thing that your partner talks too much and another that you allow them to do that.
People can only change when they see what impact their behavior has on themselves and others.– Jachym Jerie
When you aren’t showing your partner how their behavior is impacting you, you’re effectively depriving them of the chance to face an issue that they’re blind to.
What’s preventing you from speaking up?
When we tolerate other people’s behavior, despite not wanting to, we’re allowing the person to violate our boundary. You’re the one who has to step up for yourself and for the relationship.
Yes, how you feel is valid.
Yes, you have the right to give feedback to your spouse.
So why is it that you’re putting up with behavior that you know isn’t beneficial to you and your relationship?
Here are a few questions to investigate why you aren’t speaking up:
- What do I believe will happen if I speak up for myself?
- What do I believe about conversations, that I let my partner run on?
- What am I afraid of that I keep quiet and just endure the talking?
- Do I believe that I have to tolerate behavior in a relationship to keep the peace?
It’s important that you do this self-investigation. You can’t expect to break free from this pattern without taking full ownership of your part. That’s the only way you can free yourself from dysfunctional patterns in your relationship.
It may look like a tough thing to do. You may wonder why in the world you have to do this. You may even dread it. But that is the exact point.
Speaking up to your partner and telling them how you honestly feel is difficult for you. Instead of jumping to step two which is to communicate with them, first you have to face the discomfort within yourself.
Once you understand the internal blocks, speaking up and addressing the issue outwardly will be a breeze. If you truly want to shift the dynamic with your spouse for good, then the questions we provided above is the necessary first step. If it is change that you’re after, then you can’t repeat the same behavior and patterns from the past and expect different results.
Yes, it might feel new and strange, but that’s why we’re here. To support you every step of the way. If you want to take a look at your specific situation and work through it together, then contact us here.
Your Partner’s Excessive Talking is An Opportunity
Let me guess, conversations with your spouse weren’t quite like this when you first met. How come we’re in this situation then?
Fact is, we get lulled into routines. Especially in long-term relationships, things can get stale and we start to tolerate each other’s dysfunctions. We don’t want to upset the peace in our relationship because we’re afraid to lose each other.
Many couples fall into this trap. Only to address the problem when the pain gets too much.
You don’t have to wait.
You get to take full charge of the relationship now. Most people don’t think about their relationship and what they want it to be. In return, they play out unconscious patterns that they’ve learned as kids. Most of the time, that’s not very good.
Your partner’s dysfunctional way of communicating presents you with the opportunity to ensure your relationship is built on a solid foundation.
- What kind of relationship do I want?
- How would our relationship change if my partner started having a mutual conversation with me, rather than monologues?
- What qualities would I like to nurture in this relationship?
I know, it can be scary to change the status quo. You’re getting your need met in some way and so is your partner. But when it comes to the future and change, we only see what we could lose, we don’t see what we can gain.
What if your relationship could be deeply satisfying in all aspects? What if you can have the relationship of your dreams? You have one life and it’s a choice whether we stay in an average relationship or an exceptional one.
One step is to reflect on the questions above, another is to address your partner’s excessive talking in the right way.
We’ve already addressed the first issue: your beliefs that hold you back from addressing the issue. Now it’s time to dive deeper into why your partner’s talking bothers you.
What’s the issue?
We haven’t learned to deal with our emotions and most people don’t. When you don’t know how to listen to yourself, you can’t express to your partner what the issue is. You just get annoyed at them.
That’s why it’s important to have a better understanding of what’s actually bothering us. It makes the issue much easier to resolve, your communication clearer and the situation more manageable.
Reflect on those questions to get clarity on what’s happening underneath the surface:
- What do I feel when my spouse keeps talking?
- What does their incessant talking mean about me?
- What about their continual talking is specifically difficult for me?
I remember a vivid memory where Natasha once talked my head off. Let’s revisit this memory so we can learn from our mistakes.
I’d just got off work. Like always my brain is taking time to process the sessions I had during the day. I get home and Natasha just starts talking to me.
But I can’t hear her and I start to glaze over.
My brain is still processing the client sessions, while I’m trying desperately to listen to her.
But I can’t and it all gets too much.
Annoyed, I snap at her: ‘Why do you always talk so much?!’
She stops mid-sentence and looks at me, surprised and hurt.
This is an example of me not being able to communicate my needs. I just got annoyed and it wasn’t healthy processing of my emotions. Natasha can’t be responsive to me when she has no clue what’s happening for me.
That’s why it’s my job to understand what’s going on within me and communicate it to her.
Once I bring the attention inward, here’s what I found:
- I can’t listen to her after work.
- She’s not paying attention when I glaze over and she keeps talking.
- I need space.
- I feel invaded by her talking.
Now we have things we can actually communicate to our partner! Rather than just blaming them for being talkers, we can show what our experience is like. If you need more help with communication in your relationship check out this article here.
Address Your Partner
How do you actually talk to your spouse about their talking habit? We’ve written a great deal on how to talk to your husband or wife here.
In this section, we’ll focus on specific examples for your situation. Here’s one way you can breach the topic.
‘I love spending time with you and hearing your stories. However, I’ve noticed that I can’t keep up with the amount you share. I get overwhelmed, tune out, and end up wishing to just be alone. I really don’t like that.
For me our conversions are important. Right now it feels like at some point it turns into a monologue and rather than connecting us, it makes me want to distance myself from you. Would you be open to find a solution that works for both of us?’
Why does this work?
- You start on a positive note.
- You bring up your observation on what’s happening with you when they talk so much.
- You clearly show the impact their behavior has on you and how it makes you want to have more space.
- You invite your spouse to find a solution together.
Notice, that we aren’t suggesting to use:
- Blame, shame or guilt.
- Criticism against them.
- Tell them off or insult them.
All of those things would backfire. It’ll just result in a conversation that’s going to spiral out of control and end up hurting both of you. If your spouse becomes defensive, please check out this article here to learn how to deal with defensive behavior.
The clearer you are on what’s not working and why it isn’t, the better you can communicate it.– Jachym Jerie
Once you’ve gotten the agreement with your spouse, you’re ready to find a solution together. You’ll find some practical steps you can implement today in the next section.
When your partner goes on a rampage, they have to disconnect from you. They don’t notice whether you:
- Understand, or
- Enjoy the conversation.
That’s because they’re completely in their head following each train of thought that pops up. To remedy this, they need clear feedback from you.
Agree on a gesture to interrupt the flow
You can raise your finger to your lips to indicate that you’re getting overwhelmed. You can use other gestures like:
- Pulling your ear
- Raising your hand in a manner to say stop
- Touch your chin
The good thing about gestures are that they’re non-intrusive and can be used in public as well. If your spouse is too absorbed in their world, we suggest to just say stop or clap your hands. The intention is to interrupt their pattern of constant talking.
If your partner is very strongly absorbed in the talking, you’ll have to be persistent and assertive.
Have Silent Time
Your spouse has no idea how delicious it can be to connect to each other through silence. How could they? He’s used to just talking and talking and talking. Because of the lack of understanding, it makes sense to show them your way of connecting.
How can you get to know the value of being in each other’s company without incessant talking? Try this practical exercise to explore what it feels like to connect deeply without conversation.
Schedule time where you’re silent together. Set a timer for 5-10 minutes where neither of you is allowed to talk. To make sure that you or your spouse don’t wander off too much into your thoughts, keep eye contact.
You don’t have to stare at each other. Keep a soft and compassionate gaze and do blink from time to time. See if you can feel each other’s presence by just sitting together. Be aware that just like learning a new language, it’ll take some time for your spouse to start to understand the value of silence.
To enhance the exercise, pay attention to your heart area and feel what happens when you deeply connect through the stillness with your partner.
If your spouse is uncomfortable with silence due to overwhelming thoughts or feelings, either encourage them to seek help, or introduce them to some guided meditations.
Explore Your Partner’s Experience
Ask your partner why they feel the urge to talk so much. Explore what’s happening for them. Questions can be:
- What’s compelling you to share so much?
- When do you feel the urge to talk?
- How do you feel when you talk for ten minutes?
- Do you notice me when you talk?
- Do you feel connected to me when you talk?
These questions are just an input to get you started. It’s all about being curious and wanting to understand how your spouse’s world looks like. When you understand them better, you’ll have an easier time finding a solution.
You now have an overview of what to do when your spouse talks too much. Before reading this article, you might’ve felt hopeless and had the impression that you had little control over the situation. But by bringing your attention to you, you’re reminded of the power that you do have.
Yes, you play an enormous part in your relationship.
Yes, you’re allowed to feel a certain way.
Yes, you can speak up.
Now that you know what you’re capable of, what’s the most powerful thing that you can do for your marriage today? Ask yourself: Why do you let your partner talk so much. Inquire into the self reflective questions to really understand how things have gotten to this point.
We get it, sometimes working on your marriage can feel like nitpicking at your own mistakes. But that isn’t the point at all. To resolve an issue, we can’t jump straight to the solution without understanding how the problem works in the first place. If we miss the crucial steps then it would only last temporarily like a band-aid.
The more you get to know yourself and your partner, the less likely you will run into the same problem in the future.– Natasha Koo
So this is actually the most effective and long-lasting solution for your marriage. If you want a quick fix, then the powerful tips we’ve given you won’t help. The process we’ve shown you is the blue-print of a loving, respectful and happy marriage. Don’t be afraid to set your standard of how your relationship should be.
We believe that every couple deserves to feel the fulfillment and satisfaction that an exceptional relationship brings. So take the first step and transform the running monologues to fruitful, enjoyable conversations with your spouse.
We believe in our method.
We believe in you.
You just have to believe in yourself.
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