Did you know that you don’t have to repeat the same fights with your partner?
I sure didn’t realize this simple fact…
Because for years, Jachym and I would bicker about the same stupid topic over and over again. Our conflict became so routine that I could’ve played a recording of it instead doing the actual arguing.
That might seem funny now. But at the time, I felt helpless.
I had my way of doing things and Jachym had his. We’d try to compromise. Yet every discussion left us feeling defeated and unhappy afterwards.
How could something so simple trip us up? We loved each other. So how come we can’t communicate and work out our differences? Why don’t we understand each other?
Most importantly, how come there’s always that same issue that would come up again and again?
I didn’t know the secret to ending recurring fights then. But now I do.
Jachym and I never fight anymore.
We rarely have arguments.
And if we do, it’s always a loving, growing experience that brings us closer together. That’s right! Not only do we find the solution to stubborn problems, we actually feel more connected than ever in the process.
You might be wondering:
- How do I stop fighting with my husband?
- Why do we fight about the same things?
- Why do we fight over nothing?
- How do you break an arguing cycle?
- How do you argue in a marriage?
By the end of this article, you’ll know how to get started to stop fighting with your husband.
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Can I Stop Fighting With My Husband?
Coming home to the same discussions. Arguments that lead nowhere. Blame that gets passed around.
It’s an endless cycle, isn’t it? After getting stuck on the same topics over and over again, you might be thinking: maybe we’re not compatible anymore. We know how frightening it is to come to that conclusion. You love each other and want to make it work.
But when you’re feeling frustrated and helpless, what else can you do? Everything you tried only led you back to the same problems. You’ve tried to:
- Talk about this issue with your husband,
- Apologize after you had the fight
- Better manage your emotions in an argument, and
- Work out your differences.
But all that effort didn’t bring you any closer together.
At this point, you’re probably wondering: is it even possible for you to stop fighting with your husband? The answer is:
Conflict vs. Fighting
Imagine rekindling your deep love and passion instead of fighting each other.
Imagine building a bright future together instead rehashing the past.
Imagine being held and loved instead repeating hurtful patterns that wedge you apart.
You can fall back in love with each other again.
How? First you have to see how fighting is an unproductive way of trying to resolve conflict within your marriage.
It’s totally normal that you and your husband aren’t always on the same page. For example,you both might have unmet expectations within your relationship. That might leave one or both of you feeling ignored and hurt which leads to more fighting.
That’s why it’s important to learn to communicate properly. A lot of conflict can drop away if you have the skills to effectively address these issues with your husband. The good news is that you can have disagreements and still love each other.
Yes! You can have your differences without having to fight over the problem.
That’s right, you can live peacefully together. Better yet, not only can you stop fighting with your husband, you can completely transform your relationship.
How can you get your marriage back on track? Read on to find out how to stop fighting about the same things and create an exceptional relationship and life together.
A relationship can either be a place of deep wounding or deep healing.- Natasha & Jachym Jerie
Why Do My Husband And I Keep Fighting Over The Same Thing?
‘Are you seriously going out again?!’
Helen looked at her husband, Gabe, bewildered. He just suggested that they hang out with a few friends over a drink this evening. In her mind, all she wanted was a quiet night in with him where they actually spend some quality time.
They argued about this every single week.
Gabe always wants to have an exciting night out surrounded by his friends.
Helen always wants an intimate, romantic time with Gabe alone.
Helen feels neglected whenever he chooses his friends and social engagements over her.
Gabe wants his freedom and fun but feels tied down by Helen’s request to always stay home together.
Does this sound familiar? You have your differences but can’t seem to meet in the middle. One of you gets your way, but the other only gives in just to ’drop the battle’.
You can be stuck in this pattern with any topic:
Why do you have stubborn issues like that?
- You have different lifestyles
- Your need for security and adventure are at opposite ends of the spectrum
- The issue is a symbol for something that’s really important to you
John Gottmann has identified that about 69% of problems in a relationship are perpetual. While this might sound disheartening, there’s hope. Read on to find out how you can resolve these sticky problems.
Perpetual Problems Are Learning Opportunities
Natasha loves a tidy house. I don’t care about it.
That used to be a major source of conflict for us. How did we resolve it? We stopped thinking that our way of seeing things is the right way. Instead we both listened to each other.
Guess what happened?
We both learned the value of the other person’s preference. I have learned to see how nice a clean home is and Natasha has learned that not having a tidy house all the time isn’t the end of the world.
Instead of focusing on how your partner doesn’t provide what you need, ask yourself this:
What can I learn from my spouse when I see the world their way?
If you’re set in your ways, there’s no growth nor deepening in your relationship. Now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s break down how you can step out of this endless cycle.
How Can I Stop Fighting With My Husband?
Here are the five steps that’ll help you address your fighting and break the spiral of perpetual hurt.
Step One: Map Out Where You’re Fighting.
June is always angry at her husband because he doesn’t help around the house. They argue about two things:
- He isn’t helping enough.
- He always works too long.
Now it’s your turn. Where do you fight with your spouse regularly? What triggers the fighting? Once you know those answers, move on to the next step.
Step Two: Understand Why It’s Important To You That You Get Your Way.
You might think that your fights will continue on forever as long as you don’t get your way.
After all, you have an idea of what the right thing is, right? Maybe there’s something that you think your partner needs to do. You’re convinced that it’s their behavior that needs to change.
But is that true? And most importantly, does this type of thinking work?
Let’s take a look.
You’re in a heated argument again. This time your spouse throws their hands up and says: ‘Fine! You’re right! We’ll just do it your way.’ And he does. He does exactly as you say.
But… is the problem over? Are you two both happy now?
Given our assumption earlier, you should be content. But most likely, you’re not. There’s something still bothering you. The fact that your partner did exactly as you said still doesn’t seem to be enough. So what’s really going on?
When you’re trying to make your partner do or behave in a certain way, it’s not just the behavioral change that you want. It’s the meaning behind their action that you’re actually striving for. Until you satisfy that need, the fight will perpetuate and only get worse.
That’s why you need clarity on what your request or demand actually means.. Unless you understand how you’re making meaning of the situation, you won’t be able to resolve the issue.
So how do you find out what it is that you’re looking for and stop the conflict cycle for good?
Take the previous example of June:
When June asks herself the question ‘why is this important to me?’ she realizes this:
When my husband doesn’t help, I feel like he doesn’t love me. I feel unappreciated and unloved.
When my husband works so long that he misses our dinner, I feel neglected, unimportant, and disrespected.
While June found her answer very quickly, it might take you a little bit longer. It’s a good idea to dig a bit deeper like this:
I want my husband to help.
Because I feel overworked.
Because I can’t do it all by myself.
If my husband would help, what does that mean about me and our relationship?
It would mean that he cares about me and that he loves me
The last statement shows you what this whole issue is really about. You know the implications of the action that you want him to take and also the meaning of inaction. In this example, it breaks down as:
“If he doesn’t help, it implies that he doesn’t care about me nor does he love me.”
Do you see how a mundane problem is much deeper than it seems? It’s not about the household at all. It’s about feeling loved, appreciated, and supported.
Step Three: Find Out About Your Husband’s World Views
It’s good to know how you see the issue. But you also have to know your husband’s side.
You can’t resolve an issue if you only know half of the story.– Jachym Jerie
It’s vital that both of you fully understand the deeper meaning of these differences.
Here’s how you can explore your husband’s side:
- What does he believe makes a good husband?
- Why does he want to have his way in this issue? What does it mean to him?
You want to go beyond just the surface answers and really find out his values, beliefs, and ideas about marriage and the topic at hand. How does this work in practice? Let’s go back to June.
Jeremy is June’s husband. He doesn’t want to clean the house because in his mind the woman is the one who takes care of those things. He thinks that he’d be less of a man if he’d help and that she’d desire him less.
He’s working late because he wants to be a good provider for June. He wants to make sure that she has a good life. It’s his responsibility to bring home enough money so that she can have a good life. When she criticizes him, he feels that she doesn’t appreciate him and all the work he’s doing for her.
Do you see the mismatch?
Both don’t feel appreciated. They have different views on what a husband should or shouldn’t do. Most likely they’ve picked those beliefs up through their parents or through the media.
It’s totally normal that we do that. But as long as you don’t dig deep to find out the meaning behind your request, you won’t be able to solve the recurring issues. As long as you don’t understand where your partner is coming from, you’ll never find true understanding and a resolution.
That is the reason you got stuck in the first place.
You can keep trying to change each other’s behaviors, but you’ll never find the peace and joy of being a team if you don’t understand what’s really going on.
Opening up the conversations to find a common understanding can help you to stop fighting about the same things.
What’s the point of winning an argument if it divides you further apart? What you need is to come together as a unit. You can get on the same page again. All you need is to reassess and reclaim the exceptional relationship and life that you two deserve. Read on to find out how.
You won’t get the life of your dreams if you keep following how other people live their life.– Jachym Jerie
Step Four: Come To An Agreement On A Shared Vision
If you’ve been stuck in repetitive fights, you might feel more like enemies than a united team. That’s why it’s essential that you work through your differences and reconnect.
How can you rekindle your connection and work together productively again?
The following questions get you and your husband on the same page. Make sure that you make each other feel heard as you reflect on those questions. Don’t judge each other or become defensive. If you feel judgment come up, take it as an invitation to dive even deeper into your partner’s world views.F
Here are the questions:
- What kind of relationship do you actually want?
- What values do you want to be represented in your relationship?
- How are you showing each other that you love your spouse?
- Are you willing to learn the other person’s perspectives and their way of showing love?
Do you see how answering those questions helps you to navigate in your relationship? You’ll have the foundation to address any issue because you’re on the same page.
It isn’t enough to resolve the current problem. What you need is the skill to face any relationship challenges that will come your way. You can get your marriage back on track. All you need is to come together for a shared vision. These questions will guide you to each other and a future that you both look forward to.
Step Five: Address The Issue With Fresh Eyes
You can only implement this step after you understand each other’s views. When you know what the issue represents for you and your partner, you’ll be more likely to find a lasting and peaceful resolution.
When June discussed with her husband the different views they held and why it was important to have things a certain way from their own perspectives, something magical happened:
They started to embrace their differences. Instead of clinging on to their positions, they suddenly realized how they can empower each other. They realized that they can foster more love and connection when they stop trying to have things their way.
A deep discussion ensued about how they can honor each other’s views and express their love for one another.
To address the stubborn issues differently, ask yourself:
- Now that I know what this situation means to my partner, how does that change my perspective?
- How can we honour each other’s needs without discarding our own?
- What’s possible for us when we see how we can empower and love the other partner?
Answering those questions can shift your relationship from a focus of ‘me, mine, I’ to ‘us.’ That’s when the relationship becomes magical. In fact, it’s one of the foundational pieces of an exceptional relationship.
You see, as long as a relationship is about you and what you want, it’ll stay dissatisfying. Why? Because we can always want more. Love isn’t about taking, getting and grabbing some more.
Love that is truly rewarding fulfills both of you.– Natasha Koo
The intention shifts from getting everything you want from the other person to creating the most rewarding relationship where both of you are deeply satisfied.
Why? Because you’re actively contributing, creating and giving from the depths of your heart.
You’re confident in yourself, in each other and your future.
You’re active creating a beautiful life together.
Having an exceptional relationship can be a complete transformation of your dynamic.
You go from constant conflict to deep love and connection.
You learn from past mistakes and grow even closer together.
Want this type of transformation in your relationship? The five-step process we’ve shared is exactly what you need. How can you get started right now?
Revisit step one and find out what your fights evolve around. Start by reflecting on the following questions: Where do you fight with your spouse regularly? What triggers the fighting?
Taking the time to understand what is happening will set you up to resolve the recurring arguments in your marriage.
Don’t waste any more time having the same fight with your partner.
Spend your precious life loving and cherishing each other instead.
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