My Spouse Always Blames Me – 5 Steps to A Blame-Free Relationship

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Blame makes us second-guess ourselves and our partner.

‘Am I good enough?’ ‘How did I mess up again?’

‘Does he still love me?’ ‘Why would she be so annoyed at me otherwise?’

We get the feeling. It’s not a nice place to be.

Instead of seeing the best in one another, you see the mistakes and faults.

Instead of bringing each other up, you’re getting triggered and more defensive.

This blaming cycle can end and we know exactly how. In fact, we have the five-step strategy to end the blame game and help you and your spouse feel more compassion, love and understanding again.

If you’re stuck in a marriage where you blame each other, you might you notice that:

  • Your husband or wife is blaming you for their unhappiness.
  • Your partner is blaming you for their actions whether that is cheating, drinking, or something else.
  • Your partner blames you for their feelings like depression or anxiety. 
  • You’re wondering why you’re always being blamed for everything.

If you find yourself in any of those situations, read on. You can turn this situation around. We have the solutions, you just need the commitment and courage to change. We’re here to support you so let’s get started and bring a healthier dynamic to your marriage.

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Why Does My Spouse Blame Me For Everything? 

Before we get to how to deal with blame in your relationship, we need to address why it’s happening in the first place.

Below is a list of potential reasons why your spouse is blaming you. Can you spot the common thread?

They have low self-esteem 

When people have low self-esteem, they’re unable to address conflict in a healthy way. They don’t believe they’re capable of handling a disagreement so they just blame you. 

They don’t want to take responsibility

It’s easier to blame someone, than to look at yourself and take responsibility for your own mistakes. This again can come from low self-esteem.

They resent you for something that has happened

Many people haven’t learned how to process emotions properly. They often suppress it. Because the issue and the accompanying emotions aren’t resolved, resentment builds up. This can lead to blame as an outlet for it. The blame can become a way of emotionally punishing you for the pain that they feel you have caused.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.– Carrie Fisher

They learned it from their parents

We’re deeply influenced by how we grow up. When we’re in a household that doesn’t know how to resolve conflict, we take this behavior on. If your spouse grew up with parents that were blaming each other, chances are he doesn’t know how to do it any differently. 

They’re unhappy in the relationship

Blame can be an expression for unhappiness in the relationship. When your partner’s needs aren’t met, they can resent you for it. The common thread is an inability to handle emotions properly. It amplifies the problem. 

There can be other reasons, like a narcissistic personality disorder, being overly controlling, and other mental issues. 

What kind of attitude will help you to resolve the blame in your relationship?

 

Be Compassionate And Take Action

 

Looking at the list above, you may realize that your spouse isn’t blaming you happily. They’re unhappy, distressed, and don’t know what to do with themselves. It’s an uncomfortable place to be in. Their only coping strategy is blame which actually hurts them too.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.– Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

Rather than seeing them for the problem, how about you have some compassion for your spouse? But be aware, compassion doesn’t mean to accept constant blame. It just means that you see their pain and you don’t allow it to continue for your and your partners sake.

Compassion isn’t just empathy where you feel the other person’s pain and do nothing about it.

Compassion means that you take action to remedy what’s causing you and your partner hurt. To act compassionately, we also have to look at your experience

Why Are You Tolerating The Blame?

As much as we can point fingers to your spouse for being unable to process their emotions, you have a part to play as well. I know it’d be wonderful if it was all on your spouse. But wait, isn’t that blame too? (only if my spouse would change…)

In any relationship, we teach people how they can treat us.– Jachym Jerie

If blame has become prevalent in your marriage, it’s a sign that you’ve allowed it in. To uncover your part of this dynamic, ask yourself:

  • What do I believe about myself that I allow my partner to blame me?
  • Am I afraid of conflict? 
  • If yes, why?
  • If no, why have I not addressed the issue until it was resolved?
  • How do I react when I’m being blamed? 
  • Do I blame my partner for blaming me?
  • How do I deal with my emotions when I’m being blamed?

Asking those questions is uncomfortable. You’re not hiding your own shortcomings anymore. You’re facing them head on which can be scary. But when you do gain clarity, you get to transform your relationship. You’ll no longer wonder why your spouse is blaming you for everything.

Imagine how it’d be to live in a relationship that’s filled with care, passion, and deep gratitude.

Imagine how you’d feel when you wake up and can’t wait to spend another day with your partner. That’s normal in an exceptional relationship, where love, intimacy and respect is the constant.

It’s possible to create an exceptional relationship even if you’re struggling and in a tough place at the moment. We had really tough times too, but we transformed our dynamic from blaming and bickering to the most beautiful and enriching relationship that we can dream of.

Use your current problem in your marriage, may it be constant blame, to bring your relationship to the next level. Conflicts don’t appear so we can brush them away for now. They’re here to propel us to more understanding and love.

Your current problem is the catalyst to transform your relationship into one that you’re overjoyed to have.– Natasha Koo

You’ve now taken a deep dive into you and your partner’s inner worlds. With this foundational knowledge, you‘re ready to let blame go from your relationship. Want to know the five practical steps to address and resolve blame? Read on to find out.


How to Stop The Blame Game in Your Marriage

Let’s admit it. It isn’t fun to always be blamed by your spouse for everything. 

If you want to build a future that lifts you both up then it is necessary to stop the blame game. Putting a stop to this pattern will not only bring you two closer together. It is the opportunity for you to establish the type of marriage that you want.

The very foundation of stopping blame is good communication. Like we mentioned above, compassion is also a crucial piece. Do you see how each step to the resolution of blame gets you that much closer to a healthier relationship?

Here are five steps you can implement today so that you can shift the blame dynamic in your marriage for good.

 

1. Recognize Where Blame is Happening in Your Relationship

It’s hard to change a behavior when you don’t know how and when it’s happening. So let’s first get clear on how you’re playing the blame game. 

  • What are the situations where you feel blamed?
  • What’s your spouse saying in that situation?
  • What’s your reaction at the moment?

By getting clear on those three questions, you’ll have a good understanding of how this pattern plays out. Be specific rather than general like: ‘my spouse blames me for everything.’ ‘Everything’ is too broad.

Example

Hanna feels blamed whenever her husband gets angry at her when he burns his toast. He puts it onto the pan and then leaves. When he comes back it’s burned. He didn’t ask Hanna to take care of the toast. He didn’t tell her that he’s making one, yet she’s the one at fault.

Situation: Toast making

What he is saying: My toast is burned again, why didn’t you look after it? Do I have to beg you so that you do things for me?

Her reaction: She gets defensive and angry at him which then escalates into a fight. 

When you map out situations like this, it’s easier for you to know how to address them. In the past, you might have felt that you get blamed all the time. But that isn’t necessarily true. By taking the first step, you’ll be much more aware of when and where blame occurs in your relationship. 

Now that you know what’s happening, let’s move onto the next step to a blame-free marriage.


2. Take Care of Your Reaction


Hanna gets defensive when Jack blames her for the burnt toast.
Her reaction isn’t helping the situation, it  makes it worse. Just like Hannah, you may have a reaction to your spouse’s blame.

That’s why we first need to address your response. If we take a look at the example of being defensive. Here’s how to reflect on your own reaction:

  • Why are you getting defensive? 
  • What are you thinking when you get defensive? 
  • What are you feeling when you get defensive?
  • How could you react in a different way that wouldn’t lead to an escalation?

When you take care of your side of the dynamic, you’ll be able to address the problem with your spouse. If both partners are lost in their drama, you get conflict.

Once you have resolved your side of the pattern, you then can move on to the next part.


3. Communicate Clearly and Calmly


The majority of misunderstandings come from a lack of clear communication.
The clearer you know what to communicate, the better you can get your message across. 

Here’s how Hanna could have handled the situation differently:

Jack: ‘My toast is burned again.’ 

Hanna: ‘Yeah, that sucks.’

Jack: ‘Why didn’t you take care of it?’

Hanna: ‘I didn’t know you were making toast.’

Jack: ‘Do I always have to beg you to take care of things for me?’

Hanna: ‘You seem to be really upset. Why don’t you sit down with me and we can talk about what you’d like for me to do for you. Maybe we can find a way to deal with this.’

Notice: She doesn’t defend herself even though Jack keeps on blaming her. Hanna notices that her husband is in distress and she offers to help him out. Chances are that Jack doesn’t feel loved in the relationship and the toast is just a symbol for his frustration. 

Of course, there are other ways that Hanna could’ve handled this situation. Let’s explore them in the next section.

4. Be Clear on Each Other’s Responsibility


Blame shifts responsibility from the one who is blaming to the one who is blamed.
The only way that behavior can persist is when you accept the shift of responsibility. So let’s go back to Hanna:

Jack: ‘My toast is burned again.’ 

Hanna: ‘Yes it is.’

Jack: ‘Why didn’t you take care of it?’

Hanna: ‘It’s not my responsibility. You put it on and left it there. I wasn’t even aware you were doing it.’

Jack: ‘Really? I also take care of the bills and other things without you being aware of it.’

Hanna: ‘Jack please talk nicely to me. I won’t accept being blamed for your actions. Why are you upset?’

The only way Hanna can communicate this way is when she’s clear within herself and doesn’t get blinded by her own drama. She knows exactly that:

  1. It’s not her fault.
  2. His behavior isn’t something she wants to have in the relationship.
  3. She has every right to stand her ground.

Your spouse doesn’t have the permission to treat you however they want. You have the power to address any behavior that isn’t acceptable for you. That’s why it’s so powerful to not only learn the steps that we have laid out for you but to actively take action and apply it. It’ll shift your perception from ‘my spouse blames me for everything’ to ‘we’re a team and we have each others back.’

Through your own experiences in its application, you’ll see how it works and what you can do differently. An exceptional relationship is for you to create. What’s next? Read on to find out the last of the five steps to stop the blame pattern in your marriage.

5. Set Boundaries

 
The clearer you are with your boundaries, the better you can respond when they’re being violated.

How do you communicate your boundaries? We’ve covered in detail how you can talk to your spouse about your marriage in this article. A relationship should be a space where you’re free to express yourself. It’s in that space that you can also express your boundaries.

To discover your boundaries, you have to get in touch with your emotions. The more clearly you feel yourself, the better you understand the signals from your emotions.

Boundaries aren’t just made up, they’re felt in your body.– Jachym Jerie

The more you can respect you and your partner’s personal boundaries, the healthier your relationship will become. Why? Because respecting each other’s boundaries means that you give each other the respect you both deserve. You both will know that it’s ok to say no.

With clear boundaries there’s no way for blame to find its way into your marriage. So spend some good quality time exploring them.

What a relief! Just when you think that there’s no ways out of the blaming dynamic, we give you the keys to transform the situation.

Here’s a recap: you now know the possible reasons why your spouse blames you. By seeing how the power lies in you, you can stop tolerating your partner’s blaming behavior with compassion. Best of all, you now have the five crucial steps to address the blame. It’s the best way to move toward a more loving, respectful and understanding marriage.

What can you do right now? Discover the underlying reason why you have allowed blame into the relationship with these questions to start:

  • What do I believe about myself that I allow my partner to blame me?
  • Am I afraid of conflict? 
  • How do I react when I’m being blamed? 
  • Do I blame my partner for blaming me?
  • How do I deal with my emotions when I’m being blamed?

Remember, the situation that you’re in isn’t the problem. What keeps marriage stuck and the issues worsen is when no one commits to making a change. So commit today and save your marriage. All you need to do is start with a compassionate reflection with the questions above.

You have some powerful tools at your disposal right from this article. If you’re new to this or find it difficult to apply all on your own, then reach out to us here and see if we can help.

One thing is for sure, as long as you implement our strategies and fully commit to the process, you will notice a change in your marriage. So ask yourself, what will you do today to create a life with more joy, love and connection?

Is your happiness worth postponing? We don’t think so.

Because you matter. You’re loveable and capable.

You deserve an exceptional relationship.

Get The Essential Guide


This 25-page FREE resource helps you to break the argument cycle. Stop fighting and have more connection and trust in your marriage again.

 

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