How To Talk To Your Husband About Your Marriage

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It’s time, no more beating around the bush.

Let’s bring up the topic that you know needs to be addressed with your spouse. Your relationship depends on it.

Here’s how to talk to your husband about your marriage:

  • Create a talking routine
  • Establish healthy ground rules together
  • Understand your partner
  • Bring up difficult subjects
These four steps, when implemented correctly, can turn your marriage around. Even if you’ve avoided issues in the past, this guideline can re-open a fruitful and trusting dialogue with your partner.
 
Imagine creating such a healthy environment that you both feel comfortable to share deeply with one another. How can you maximize your relationship success with the four steps we’ve outlined? Read on to find out.
 
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Establish a Talking Routine

Work – Hobbies – Friends – Chores – Taxes – Social obligations – REPEAT

Where’s the relationship? Does it fit anywhere?

We’re all busy.

It’s easy to lose sight of our relationship when we’re working 10 hours a day, plus everything else we have to do.

But there’s a price to pay for that: you don’t connect deeply with each other anymore and everything becomes a routine. Who wants sex to feel like a routine and dinner dates like another rushed chore?

Good thing for you is that we have the way out:

Renew your commitment to each other. It’s not a rhetorical question: do you want to be together?

If yes, then you have to take care of each other. That includes making sure that you and your partner have talking time, so that both of you feel heard.

Did I hear a sigh? Busy bee, this isn’t another task on your to-do list. Creating a talking routine is a long-term marriage-saving strategy, here’s why…

The Benefits of Having a Talking Routine

 

Tears pooled in my eyes. My heart clenched in my chest. 

I felt like Natasha wasn’t paying any attention to me. I’m utterly abandoned!

She looked at me surprised and said: ‘Don’t you see how I take care of the household? Don’t you see how I’m making sure we have healthy food on the table? At least you could help some more.’

With a new project that took the majority of our time, our regular rhythm has been thrown out the window. ‘I don’t care!’ I exclaimed. ‘Why aren’t you spending more time with me? I want to feel your touch and spend time with you. Forget about the housework!’

Do you see how we had a total misunderstanding? She thought she was showing her love by taking care of the household. I was feeling neglected BECAUSE she put so much emphasis on the household; I just needed physical closeness.

If we had a talking routine then, we’d clear this up way before one of us felt neglected. That’s the magic of having a regular talking routine.

 

You don’t need to talk only when things get bad, you need to talk waaaaay before.

It clears up misunderstandings quickly and stops any conflict before it blows up. It also ensures that none of you has unmet needs.

It’s hard to talk to your partner if you haven’t established a couple’s culture where it’s normal to share your feelings, dreams, and difficulties. 

That’s why we recommend creating a routine in your relationship where you check in with each other on a regular basis. It can be as simple as once a week for half an hour or an hour.

This has been something that Natasha and I practice regularly for some time now. Let me tell you, it has absolutely done wonders. We ‘meet’ every Sunday to reflect on our week.

Oftentimes we’re able to clear the air for small disagreements that have popped up. We even use this precious opportunity to get closer to our shared vision.

There’s no doubt in our mind: this simple routine of open and deep dialogues is a foundational piece of our exceptional relationship. How can you implement this for your marriage? Here’s what you have to do…


How to Talk to Your Husband About Your Marriage: Ground Rules

Let me guess: you want to feel safe and supported.

Your husband also wants to have a relationship that thrives. If you want to create such a relationship, you’ll have to agree on ground rules when it comes to talking to each other.

Here are a few simple ones:

  • No name calling
  • No talking over each other
  • No criticizing each other’s character or personality
  • No snide remarks
  • No defensiveness

And ones with a positive focus on what you want to create:

  • Be completely transparent and honest
  • Give your best to understand your partner
  • Approach difficult subjects as a team
  • Be fully present with each other

If these ground rules feel like a good starting point, but you need some practical communication skills first then head over to this article.

By establishing these ground rules that you’re both happy with, you’re on your way to creating an amazing marriage. It’s possible for you, no matter where you’re at right now. Just these guidelines along with the key communication skills needed in healthy communication can make a huge difference. You’ll no longer wonder how you can talk to your husband about your marriage. 


Understand Your Husband

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.


Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Paradoxically, to be able to talk to your husband about your marriage, you need to listen to him first. Ask yourself:

  • How is this marriage for him?
  • What makes him feel loved?
  • How could I be a better wife for him?
  • What are his needs?

If you don’t know the answer to those questions, go and find out. Listen to understand him, not to reply to him. 

  • What are his complaints about? 
  • What does he need? 
  • Can you meet those needs to show your love for him?

When you meet his needs, he’ll feel more loved. In turn he’ll be more likely to reciprocate the love you’ve shown him. That’s when the time is ripe to voice what you’d like to have as well. 

 

Example:

‘You know how we used to take walks by the lake? I’d love it if we could do that on Wednesday night after your work.’

‘I just love when we wake up on the weekend and just snuggle together. Can we do this again this Sunday?’

‘I know you’re really busy at work, but could you spare ten minutes at night today to talk to me? It would really make my day. I just miss you so much.’

Why does it work?

  1. You’re not nagging, criticizing, or accusing him. 
  2. You’re specific on what kind of action you want from him.
  3. You’re not demanding, but rather requesting which gives him the option to say no.
  4. You’re showing how important it is to you. 
  5. You’re being vulnerable and showing your feelings for him. 

We understand that it’s difficult to be vulnerable when you have unresolved issues. But you can’t expect your marriage to change, if you show up the same way as you’ve been before. 

If you’re having difficulty to find the courage, simply ask yourself: 

‘Do I want to keep the marriage the way it is right now and be happy? Or do I want to live in an exceptional relationship that I love waking up to?’

Knowing what you want and what you don’t is the clarity that makes the whole process easier. Align your heart to what is true to you. Let your actions guide you to even more courage and fruitful actions that improve your marriage.

With this four-step process, you got this! Let’s now take the next step.


How to Talk to Your Husband About Difficult Subjects

You’ve built a solid foundation now. 

It’ll be a lot easier to approach difficult topics like recurring drama, fighting, or feeling ignored  when you’ve established: 

  1. A talking routine.
  2. A safe place in your marriage to express yourself.

Before you bring up a topic that’s difficult for both of you, you want to do some homework.

Reflecting on the following questions will help you be very clear on your own stance. It’ll also help you gauge how much you understand your husband’s position.

  • Why is this topic important to me?
  • If nothing changes on this topic, what are the implications for me?
  • What kind of change would I like to see?
  • What are the things I am unable to compromise on?
  • What are the things I can compromise on?

Now, also reflect on your husband’s position:

  • What does he want?
  • Why does he want that?
  • Why is it important to him to have this issue be resolved his way?
  • What are his values that are reflected in his way of seeing this problem?

You may not know the answer to those questions. If you don’t, then that’s a good starting point for the conversation.

The Benefits of Having a Talking Routine

 

Step 1: Make A Gentle Start.

 

Example:

  1. ‘You know we always fight about cleaning the house. I think it’s really impacting our relationship in a negative way. Would you be open to approaching this issue together?’
  2. ‘I love you deeply and I really care about our marriage. I feel like when we fight about your work hours, it drives us apart. How about we find a new way of approaching this subject?’

Notice how those two examples are:

  • Non-threatening
  • Completely open and transparent
  • Based on wanting to find a solution together and not push your way through

Finding your own variation will ensure that you get off to a good start. It’s much harder to turn a failing conversation around, than to start it in an agreeable way.

Look at it like a swing. If you push too hard, the swing will be all over the place and it’ll be hard to get it back under control. However, if you start gently, you can slowly increase the positive momentum. It also gives you time to calibrate to your partner’s current feelings and state of mind.

Step 2: Listen To Each Other

.

Why?

Because you both have to be able to speak your mind fully. If you need more help to ensure that your communication is grounded in connection and love, check out this article here.

Explore the following questions together:

  • What’s driving your point of view? 
  • Are their hidden dreams that you haven’t voiced?
  • Is this so important to you because it represents a big value of yours?

You really want to get in there beyond just the surface conflict. Be patient and curious.

Most of the time we take what our partner says personally. We always hear what it means for us. Oftentimes the misunderstanding grows before you get anywhere close to the real problem.

One way to mitigate this is to engage in the conversation like you’re talking about a friend’s problem, not yours. When you become more like an observer, like a scientist, you can just give yourself to the conversation first.

It’ll allow you to be more open to really hear your husband’s position. It’ll make talking to your husband about your marriage and any issues simpler. Listening in a neutral and curious way will help you find a resolution faster.  As counter-intuitive as it sounds, the less you take things personally, the easier you can tackle the issues that are closest to your heart.

We know, the conversation does have to do with you. It is very personal. You’ll get the opportunity to find out what all this means for you comes later, we promise.

But for now, give your fullest and best effort to establish an understanding and listen deeper than you have ever done in your marriage before. This guarantees the best result.

Remember the ground rules we put in place two sections ago? Revisit them. You want to make sure that you:

  • Don’t interrupt
  • Really listen to understand
  • First let both partners voice themselves fully before trying to find a solution

The last point is crucial. If only one person has spoken, you only have half the picture. You need both sides. After all, we’re in a relationship with our partner, not just ourselves right?

Step 3: Don’t Try To Find A Solution.

 

Take a break and reflect on what you’ve heard. Take time to write down your thoughts. Only when you’ve had adequate time to process it all (this can be a few days), then you can come back together. 

Share how your views have changed since you last spoke. Now, you can put your head together and propose some solutions. 

Remember, this is about both of you. If one person loses, you both lose. You might have to revisit this topic a few times before you come to a satisfying conclusion. 

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You might even consider seeking professional help. Some topics are just so difficult to discuss that a neutral third party can help immensely.

Even for Jachym and I, there were major issues within our relationship that we needed external help in order to fully fix. Sometimes problems run so deep and feel so sensitive that simply ‘being there for one another’ when those topics unravel isn’t enough.

Like the step you have already taken by diving deep into this article, taking these courageous steps for your marriage is crucial. Only when we face these issues head-on can we resolve them.

Sweeping topics under the carpet only wedges you a part. We understand just how tough this whole process can be. Talking to your husband about your marriage is one thing. What happens after that? It can feel terrifying and uncertain.

If you have implemented this four-step process, but feel like there’s more to uncover with your partner then don’t hesitate to reach out to us and see if we can help further. We’re with you 100%.

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