Want to stop blaming your partner? This one step can save your marriage and keep your relationship healthy for decades to come. We’ll walk you through the steps to eliminate blame from your relationship forever and explain why you should stop blaming your husband for your unhappiness.
You have a lot to be hopeful for. Many people don’t even realize they are blaming their spouse, but you do. This is your chance to understand why blame persists in your relationship and how to stop it from ruining the connection you have with your spouse. Ready to pivot to a healthier and more respectful way of being together? In this article, we’ll share all that and more.
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Why Should You Stop Blaming in a Relationship?
When we don’t understand why something is bad, we’re less likely to change it. So why is blame a problem in a relationship? To understand that, we need to first make a little detour and look at what a successful relationship really is.
What’s a Relationship?
Take a look at the word RelationSHIP. Within it is the word ‘ship.’
Why’s this important?
Because it demonstrates what a wonderful relationship is all about. A ship has a clear destination. It has a team that makes it work, and everything that happens on the ship impacts everyone else.
It’s the same with relationships. You’re sailing together into an unknown future. You never know what life throws at you, yet you try your best to support each other along the way. When you’re in a relationship, you’ve committed to being a unit where you take on the world together. Any challenges that you face can be taken on together. You have the possibility to create a space for each other where both feel heard, seen, validated, understood, and empowered.
Your ship could be a place that you enjoy, a place of meaning and love. Or it can become a nightmare that you want to wake up to, one where you dread being with your partner because all you do is blame, nag or bicker at each other. The choice is yours. You and your spouse are the captains of the ship and you get to decide where it goes.
Now that we see how relationships can be steered in the wrong or right direction, depending on what you do, let’s find out how blame plays a role in all this.
Blame breaks unity and brings in chaos.- Jachym Jerie
Whenever you blame your spouse, you separate out yourself. Instead of being a team, you become enemies. That’s like being on a ship where the captain tells the coal-shoveler to steer the ship better and the coal-shuffler tells the captain to shovel coal differently.
Neither the captain nor the coal-shoveler will do their job because they’re too busy blaming each other. Not only is their job not done, they’re both poisoning the relationship.
At the moment, it might be hard to realize whether you are blaming your partner or not. But you can learn to identify blame so that you snuff out the behavior before it hurts your relationship. How do you spot whether you’re blaming your husband or not? Keep reading to learn from our own personal examples of blame.
Examples of Blaming Others
I used to get aggravated at Jachym and he wouldn’t have a clue what happened. Oftentimes, I’d get hangry while being deeply engrossed in work. Before I know it, I’m scavenging around for a quick bite, but there isn’t an easy snack to have.
I’d then get annoyed at the fact that I have to prepare something for myself, wishing bitterly that Jachym could have foreseen my need and helped me out ahead of time. ‘How often do I prepare snacks for him throughout the day?’ I’d mutter to myself. ‘I never let him go hungry. Even when he doesn’t ask, I’m always there to help him prepare something healthy and delicious. I look out for him. He doesn’t even need to ask.’
This disappointment in Jachym and his lack of support would gnaw at me and I’d end up giving him attitude as I prepare and munch down my snack. This happened multiple times until we addressed it at one of our weekly relationship meetings.
It was then that I realized how high stress and my hunger don’t go well together. Not only that, in those moments I am in such discomfort that I start blaming Jachym for how I feel. He’s at fault if I go hungry, because he’s supposed to take care of me. He’s at fault if I’m too busy, because he should offload my stress and work. He’s at fault if there’s no snack ready, because he’s supposed to know and prepare my food preferences ahead of time.
When we broke it down to what it was that I was blaming him for, it didn’t make sense anymore. That’s the power of identifying blame in your relationship and seeing through the behavior. Once you understand what’s going on, you can better speak up and communicate what it is that you actually need in your relationship.
For me, the lesson was in taking care of myself and not outsourcing my physical needs to my husband. I am responsible for my own hunger! Why am I blaming Jachym for it? What’s the lesson that your current blame pattern is trying to show you?
A Relationship Beyond Blame!
Once I resolved this blaming behavior, our household became filled with a lot more respect and love. In fact, I learned that I can ask for help. Instead of trying to influence Jachym with a passing remark like: ‘Hmm… I sure could use a snack right now.’ I used proper communication without blame. I’d actually say to Jachym if I wanted his help: ‘Honey, I’m getting extremely hungry right now. Would it be possible for you to make me an open-faced sandwich? I’m feeling too tired to do the whole thing. Do you mind?’
With a request like that, it’s up to Jachym to help me out. It’s respectful, honest and gives an opportunity for each person to give and take in a healthy way. I no longer blame Jachym for how I feel. But I know that I can lean on him when I want a bit more support.
When there’s no blame, the same action brings us so much more love and enjoy. Jachym might take my request as an act of service to show me his love and care. We no longer rely on each other in a dysfunctional way, blaming each other for our negative emotions or sensations. Instead, we’re empowering each other for greater things. Our energy is freed up to create an Exceptional Relationship.
What if you’re trying to identify when you’re blaming your spouse, but realize that they’re constantly at fault? What can you do if you’re constantly blaming your partner for everything that’s wrong? Read on to find out how to change your dynamic to have less blame and more love.
Why Do I Blame My Partner For Everything?
Having an understanding of what a destructive communication pattern like blame does to a relationship is important. However, it’s also vital that you look at yourself and realize why you’re doing it.
As you can see here, there are different reasons people use blame. But in our view, it boils down to our insecurities. Why?
If you’re insecure about yourself, you want to look away from these sore spots. By definition, insecurities aren’t comfortable for you to face. So when your partner points out a mistake you made, you’re forced to realize your own imperfections. The act of pointing out the mistake is then taken as an interpretation of being told that you’re not good enough.
Most people are unaware of these psychological mechanisms that are happening within themselves. But when you spend some time truly observing your inner workings, you’ll soon see how knee-jerk reactions are really a defense mechanism to protect your self-image.
One of the ways to protect our self-image is to blame. It shifts the responsibility away from you and onto your partner. Protecting your self image is how you keep chronic blame going in your marriage.
Another reason why you’re blaming your partner could be that you have unprocessed emotions. You’re resenting your spouse for something they’ve done and that seeps out into the relationship through blame and passive-aggressiveness.
Whenever Jolie felt unloved and unsupported by her husband Kelvin, she’d start blaming him for all sorts of things. Suddenly the way he was hanging the clothes was wrong. The questions he asked were annoying her. Nothing he did was right. Why? Because she was resenting him for hurting her even if he didn’t know that.
Just like other types of dysfunctional behavior or communication styles, blame can hide the underlying conflict that’s causing friction and disconnection. Imagine if Jolie and Kelvin never got to the bottom of the blaming behavior. How many years will Jolie blame Kelvin and hold her resent against him?
When blame goes unchecked and unrecognized, it will erode at your love, respect and intimacy. That’s why taking onboard the learning of this article can literally save your marriage. Once you see how you’re blaming each other for how you feel and why you can end this disempowering pattern.
The only way Jolie was able to break this cycle was by becoming aware of her inner workings. She realized when she felt neglected and learned to communicate with Kelvin. Instead of blame tearing them apart, they found a way to meet each other’s needs and create a marriage that’s uplifting for both.
Now that we understand more of the psychology behind blame, let’s look at how you can reverse the blame game in your relationship. It’s 100% doable and all you need are three key elements to turn things around. Read on to find out how you can apply this to your relationship.
How to Eliminate Blame in Your Marriage – 3 Key Factors
Wouldn’t it be great if blame would go extinct in your relationship? That’s exactly what this section is about. Want blame to be gone for good in your marriage? You can permanently shift your way of relating so blame no longer exists. Read on to find out the three keys to make that happen.
Without knowing when you’re blaming, you can’t make a change. That’s why you want to sit down with your spouse and ask him to tell you where he feels you’re blaming him. I know this sounds uncomfortable and hard, but without it, you won’t be able to weed out this destructive communication pattern in the long-run.
You are a team after all. You can use your partner’s feedback because he might notice things that you don’t. Once you know where it occurs, you want to shift your awareness inward and notice what happens when you want to start blaming your partner. The clearer you are on what your psyche is doing before you start to blame the better.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.- Viktor E. Frankl
Become aware of that space between what your husband says and your reaction of wanting to blame him. What’s going on there? That’s how you reclaim your power.
2. Choosing Communication
When you say XYZ, I really get defensive.
What you just said felt quite hurtful, could you rephrase what you said so I can hear it better?
If you’re not ready or willing to do this, simply ask for a break or tell him that you’ll get back to him about this issue later. The most important point is that you keep choosing a more loving and kind response than blame.
An Exceptional Relationship takes an exceptional commitment..- Natasha & Jachym Jerie
It’s good to choose love over blame once, it’s better when you continuously commit to it. This means that you speak up when you fail to do so. Natasha and I regularly have relationship meetings where we check in with each other on how we’re doing. We recommend that you do the same. It’s in these meetings where it’s easiest to bring blame up when you’ve slipped back into an old way of communicating.
Commitments are best spoken out loud to your partner. Why? Because when you do, your partner can help you stay on track. However, some people feel threatened when a partner holds them accountable. Keep reading to find out how you can deal with that.
Also, commitment shows that you take responsibility and ownership for your reactions, behaviors, and life. It’s paramount that you step up because that’s the antidote to blame. After all, blame thrives on avoiding responsibility.
Accountability vs. Blame in Relationships
Some people confuse accountability for blame. That’s far from the truth. Accountability means that someone holds me to the promise I made myself. If I commit to Natasha that I’ll hang the laundry and then I don’t do it, she should tell me when I didn’t. Why? Because I didn’t uphold the commitment I made to her.
The issue with accountability within a marriage is that your spouse could be phrasing things in a way that’s counterproductive.
You should have put up the laundry! You said you would! Why are you never following through with what you say?!
This way of communicating isn’t helpful. It leads to the recipient feeling attacked and blamed. Instead, cultivate this:
I noticed that you didn’t hang the laundry today. What happened?
You told me a few days ago that you’ll hang up the laundry from now on. I noticed that you haven’t done it today. What has happened?
Do you see the difference between these approaches? One is an attack while the other is a simple reminder. If your spouse is communicating poorly to you, you have two choices:
- Increase your tolerance for bad communication.
- Tell them how you feel when they phrase things this way and ask them if they’d be willing to explore other ways of expressing their feelings.
Implement what we’ve shared here today and you’ll be well on your way to creating a relationship that’s deeply fulfilling and satisfying. In our Cherished Wife Program we take you by the hand so you’re not left alone with a task like this.
We walk you through how to stop negative communication patterns like blame and show you with what you can replace it with instead.
How to Stop Blaming My Husband For My Unhappiness in 3 Steps
When you and your partner got married, you probably promised to make each other happy. But over time, you realize that it’s a much harder job than you imagined.
When you first get together, you barely blame each other. In fact, the wonderful qualities seemed to outshine anything else. But as your relationship goes into ‘long-term mode’, little habits like nagging, bickering and blaming can pop up.
Not only that, you might feel righteous in your dissatisfaction and how it is contributed by your husband. He promised to make you happy for the rest of your life, didn’t he? So why isn’t he?
We have a reality check for you. Outsourcing your happiness to another human being and your circumstances is a sure-fire way to find misery. The clearer you see how misplaced the seeking of happiness is in your husband or any other external circumstances, the better. Why?
You buy a new car, phone, or house and we feel happy. But for how long? A minute? Two weeks? Two months? And how continuous is the experience of this kind of happiness? Just wait till the next issue comes up and you’ve forgotten about the new toy you just got.
Most people confuse pleasure for happiness. Yes, it’s nice to get a new gadget, but that temporary high isn’t happiness. Your short-lived highs are often temporary pleasure kicks and have little to do with happiness.
The External World Is Ever Changing
Trying to find happiness outside of you is like trying to build a castle on quick sand.- Jachym Jerie
Your partner may leave you. You could lose your job. Your health might falter. Your reputation might get destroyed. That’s reality. Why would you place your happiness on someone for things that are bound to disappear?
When you blame your husband for your unhappiness, you’re asking him to become a ‘thing’ that’s always there at your bidding and will do exactly what you want him to do at the right time in the right way. It’s a disaster. Not only that, you’ll still be unhappy. It’s not like all the kings and queens who had everything at their disposal were happy.
Now that you know this, what can you do to shift the blame on your spouse for your unhappiness to something productive and actually makes you happy? Here are our top three tips to get the deep satisfaction that you want without needing to depend on your partner.
1. Take Ownership of Your Life
When you blame your husband for your unhappiness, you’re saying: I can’t change my life. I can’t do anything about how unhappy I am. It’s all my husband’s fault and if he were different, I’d be happy. Do you see how you put yourself into gridlock with this?
Do this instead:
I am the creator of my life. I fully own what’s happening within it and I am committed to living my life in a way that honors my values. I know I sometimes feel helpless but I also acknowledge that I do have the power to choose new and fresh things in my life. I will from now on stop blaming my husband for my unhappiness and instead create it for myself.
Do you feel how different these attitudes are? Which one do you think is going to yield better results?
2. Learn to Be With Yourself
If you can’t sit in a room and be at peace with yourself without distracting yourself, how do you expect to be happy? Most people are busy using their phone, TV, work, sex, friends and other means to not be with themselves. But here’s the thing: you’re the one thing you always have. If you can’t be with yourself, nothing else will make you happy.
Strive to have a foundation of peace within yourself first so you can allow other activities and people to add upon it. Try to do it the other way around and all you get is a mess, where you blame the outside for your dissatisfaction.
3. Find Out Who You Really Are
The one thing that is always joyous and peaceful is who you really are. You are what you seek but if you’re too busy trying to find what you are outside of yourself, you’ll never find it.
You truly will stop blaming your husband for your unhappiness, when you find and rest within your true self. It takes persistence and courage to do that, but it’s so worthwhile. Nothing can transform your life as deeply as the knowledge of who you really are.
Not blaming your husband for your unhappiness will do a lot for your marriage. It may even be the key to weed out blame for good.
In our Cherished Wife Program, we help you do just that. Without blame poisoning your relationship, your husband will be much more drawn to you. Just imagine what a difference it would make to you if you see your husband with loving eyes again.
Remember that spark you first had? You can get that back and more. Most women just don’t know how to do it. They think they have to just talk it out. But did it work? No.
That’s why we take a much more holistic approach in our Cherished Wife Program. We show you exactly how you can:
- Get rid of negative communication patterns.
- Rewire your brain to see your husband with fresh new eyes.
- Create a life that inspires and replenishes you, rather than drain you.
- Draw out the best in your man.
- Feel special and cherished again, even if your marriage has gone stale.
If you want that, please head over here, to fill out our application form.
Have other questions that we didn’t cover so far? Want to get an even stronger grasp on how to stop blaming your partner? Here are the FAQs regarding blame:
Blame In Marriage FAQ
Why Should You Stop Blaming Others For How You Feel?
It might be tough to understand why blaming others isn’t a good thing when you feel strongly that it’s how you feel and what’s going on. That’s why understanding the mechanics and origin of blame is so important. It takes away from your perceived experience and gives you a bigger picture perspective as to what’s happening. Only then can you see the actual impact blame has on you and those around you.
You’re Disempowering Yourself
Whenever you blame others for how you feel, you’ve effectively given away your power. Why? Because you won’t be able to change anything unless the other person changes. That’s why you find yourself in a disempowered position. You become a helpless victim to the behaviors of others.
But your feelings are your responsibility. They’re happening within you, not the other person. You can have all the money, friends, luxury in the world and still be miserable. The key to finding love, happiness, and peace is by stopping the blame game and taking ownership of what’s happening.
You’re Disempowering Your Partner
“It’s never enough!” Natasha said distressed. She was trying to make me happy. But I wasn’t happy. No matter what Natasha did, it never reached me. By taking on the responsibility for making me happy, she put herself to an impossible task.
When you blame your partner for your feelings, you’re giving them an impossible task. They can try as hard as they want and never reach the target. Does that sound like an empowering relationship? One where you try to make each other happy and always fall short? It doesn’t to me.
Instead, it sounds like a relationship where both partners feel helpless and disempowered.
You have to stop blaming others for how you feel so that you regain the power you have given away. With that power, you get to reshape your life and walk free from being the victim. As we’ve shown above, a relationship that’s free of blame is simply amazing. Do you want that kind of relationship or do you want one where you keep dragging each other down?
Why’s Blame Toxic?
Nowadays you hear this a lot: ‘You’re in a toxic relationship. Your partner is toxic to you. What you’re doing is toxic for the relationship.’ But what do we actually mean by ‘toxic’?
In our view, blame is toxic because it doesn’t serve the relationship. If anything, it diminishes you and your partner. That’s not a nice marriage to be in. In that regard, we can define ‘toxic’ as behavioral patterns that do not contribute to a flourishing relationship.
What Are the Effects of Blame in a Relationship?
Blame can have various effects on the person being blamed like:
- Reducing self-esteem
- Believing that they’re responsible for things they’re not
- Becoming defensive and eventually stonewalling
- Feeling guilty
As you can see, blame really isn’t something you want to keep in your relationship. You’re hurting your relationship, your husband, and yourself.
Will Blame Destroy My Marriage?
If blame is the only thing that happens within your marriage, it probably won’t. However, it’ll severely hinder the relationship from becoming truly amazing. These ‘small’ side jabs really can drain the relationship, rather than nurture it.
Most of the time, blame is just one harmful communication pattern people have in their relationship. Most likely you have others like:
You really do want to weed out these ways of relating to each other because they’ve been identified to be strong predictors of divorce. No matter if you have blame in your marriage or other harmful communication patterns, the first step is understanding when and why you do it.
This article is a great starting point to stop any blaming that has crept up in your relationship. It might not seem easy at first to reverse a habit, but once you truly see the impact of your actions, you’ll be motivated to transform it.
Remember, you’re not alone. You can work alongside your spouse to give each other honest feedback and to keep each other on track. What is needed is your willingness and commitment to follow through. Take some time to really think about it, what kind of relationship would you like in your life? How would you like to feel?
The change you’re about to embark on is the starting of a healthier and longer-lasting love with your partner. Create a vision for the love that you deep down want to have. Put your heads together and make it happen. These are the same steps that Jachym and I took to create an Exceptional Relationship.
What’s one thing you will implement into your marriage today? Choose only one action to take, but get started right now.
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