You want to be in-sync with your partner. Not just in life but also in the bedroom.
This balance can be tough to achieve for most marriages. In fact, wives come to us saying: my husband is obsessed with me sexually or my husband wants to have sex all the time.
So what should you do in this case? How do you deal with the pressure from your partner, yet stay true to yourself?
It isn’t easy if you don’t know how to handle a sexually demanding husband. You might even feel like you’re failing somehow for not being able to step up to the plate and fulfill his desires. If this is what you’ve been struggling with then we’ve got your back.
Keep reading to learn how to tell your husband that you don’t want to have sex and what you can do to make a man stop asking for sex. You don’t have to feel stressed anymore. We have the answers that you’re looking for.
Do You Make These Relationship Mistakes?
Get Your FREE Assessment!
- Discover TOXIC communication mistakes that ruin your marriage
- Get 4 SIMPLE steps to understand and fix your relationship
I Can’t Keep Up With Husband’s Sex Drive
You don’t want to disappoint him, yet you can’t keep up with his sexual demands?
It’s not uncommon for couples to have different levels of sexual desire. That’s not a problem. The issue starts when you don’t manage it correctly. But we’ll cover that later on.
Here’s the thing, your husband wants more sex than you. He may even want it multiple times a day. But since you aren’t in the mood all the time like him, you’re going to turn him down. Which can lead him to be upset.
That in turn, puts pressure on you to be more sexually active than you really want to be. So let’s first take a look at your husband’s sex drive and see if it’s functioning normally.
Sex can be a sacred act, but not if we just use it to get off.- Jachym Jerie
It depends.
You do want to be mindful of the fact that he could be a sex addict. You can check out this article here to find out what the criteria are. If he’s a sex addict, do seek professional help to deal with it. You don’t want to be an enabler of this behavior.
Now, keeping aside the possibility of him being a sex addict, wanting sex all the time isn’t normal. It actually is pretty dysfunctional. We’ve other things to do in life, and wanting it multiple times a day will interfere with your normal life.
Do be mindful that you have to define what ‘my husband wants sex all the time’ mean. Is it everyday? Is it multiple times a day? Is it never enough?
Sure, you can have sex everyday and it can be healthy. The question isn’t as much about what is ‘normal’ as it’s about what’s right for you.
Once a week, as this study shows.
Why this much? Because having more frequent sex than that didn’t increase the well-being of the couple. Now, before you run off to your husband, be aware that the amount of sex a person needs is highly individual.
After all, we can experience sexual frustration in which case our well-being and relationship satisfaction suffers. So back to the question: How often should you have sex with your husband?
Here’s my take on it: forget this question. The ‘should’ implies that there’s some universal rule. There isn’t. It also implies that you have to live up to some standard. You don’t. The question puts pressure on you.
So what to do instead?
Ask these questions:
- How often would I love to have sex with my husband?
- What would lead me to enjoy an increased amount of sexual experiences with my husband?
The first question is focused on you. The second question is focused on finding ways to increase the amount of sex you’d like to have while having it stay enjoyable. Only ask this question if you do want to increase the frequency. The last thing you want to do is to just do it for his sake.
Which brings us to the next point:
My Husband Feels Entitled to My Body
He may feel entitled and yet it’s not his.
You own your body and no one else does. You need to be very clear on that. If you aren’t, you’re going to ignore your body’s wisdom, violate your boundaries, and end up hating sex.
You’ve been gifted this body, it’s up to you if you want to look after it or not.
Your husband can only keep violating your boundaries if you allow it.- Natasha Koo
As long as you believe that you’re the one who has to have sex with him, you’ll put yourself under pressure. Yes, it’s true that you’re the only one who can give him sex if you’re in a monogamous relationship. But that doesn’t mean that you have to just do it for his satisfaction’s sake.
Why not?
Because then sex becomes a comodity. It’s not about love or about a deep connection anymore. It’s just about getting him off. To put it bluntly, you become a masturbation tool for him. It might feel satisfying for him, but it really isn’t. It’s a shadow of the pleasure that he can feel when sex becomes a way of experiencing unity.
Getting himself off with your body is a violation of the sacredness that the sexual act can be. It, for sure, is a violation of your body, unless you want such an experience. And the truth is that the man experiences much greater pleasure when he sees his woman in ecstasy.
Does a wife have the right to say no to sex?
It should be quite clear now that you have every right to say no. We encourage you to say no! You won’t be able to discover what sex can be if you don’t respect your boundaries. So take heart and learn to say no. We’ll cover that later in the article as well.
My Husband Gets Angry When I Won’t Sleep With Him
And how do you respond?
Do you feel guilty?
Do you cave in and just do it?
Anger is a powerful tool to get what you want. If you have an unhealthy response to anger, he’ll use it to get his way. He may not even be aware of it, since these patterns often form unconsciously. He got his way by being angry at other times in his life, so he uses it now.
He Could Be Deeply Hurt
Anger often isn’t the primary emotion. A lot of times what lies underneath it is hurt. Getting rejected by you can be quite painful for him. Why is that? Because sex means a lot more to him than just having a sexual act. For him, it might be a way of giving and receiving love. When you reject him, you’re rejecting his love and you’re rejecting to show him love.
Just imagine that you want to express your love to him by making him a nice dinner and he just rejects it. Hurts? Yes. Why wouldn’t it? It’s the same for him. But because sex doesn’t have the same meaning for you, you don’t understand his response.
I know it myself. Natasha would reject me because I have a higher sex drive. I’d revert to feeling like a 5 year old boy. It was excruciatingly painful. Even when she told me that she loves me and that she’s not rejecting me, I wasn’t able to come out of the hurt.
It took some serious work from my side to be able to see through this hurt.
Having said that, do not fall into the trap of trying to avoid his hurt by having sex with him. It won’t allow him to heal what needs to be healed.
Sex is ultimately neutral, but we can give all kinds of meaning to it.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
How Do You Tell Your Husband You Don’t Want to Have Sex?
You won’t be able to say no to sex with your husband if you’re not capable of handling your husband’s reaction. Let’s face it, he most likely won’t like it.
Own Your Emotional Response to His Reaction
No matter whether you see your husband angry or hurt, it won’t be something you enjoy witnessing. We’re not psychopaths, after all, and the wellbeing of our partner is important to us. But you have to be careful not to get swept up and be reactive yourself.
Bring awareness to how you feel when you see your husband hurt or angry. This awareness is what is needed to stop being reactive to his feelings and to start being responsive. The more awareness you have of your inner landscape, the more you can bring wholeness back into your relationship.
That’s one of our core focuses in our work with women.
Now that you’re not going to be thrown around by your husband’s response, let’s find out how you can say no to sex with your husband.
You can’t have a fulfilling sex life as long as you neglect your own pleasure.- Natasha Koo
How to Say No to the Sexual Advances of Your Husband
There’s no magical way of telling him you don’t want to have sex today. So the very first thing you have to do is to own what’s right for you.
If you don’t want sex, then you don’t want sex. Don’t try to cushion it and say maybe later, unless you’re actually willing to give it a try at another time in the day. Here’s an example of how you can phrase your truth:
Look, honey, I can feel the desire you have for me and I love it. (only say that if you actually do) But I just don’t want to have sex with you today. Sex with you is really precious to me and I don’t want to spoil it by just giving it to you even when I don’t want to.
Or
Look honey, I can feel the desire you have for me and I love it. I’m not really in the mood but I can still do other things for you, would you like that?
Or
I know you don’t like to hear this but I don’t want to sleep with you tonight. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your desire for me, I’m just not always ready for it. Please know that even when I say no to sex, I’m not saying no to you or the love you have for me. I know how much sex means to you and it pains me to not be able to meet your sexual needs right now. But I have to stay true to myself and what my body tells me.
All of these are examples you can take as inspiration to how you want to say it. But you do want to make sure that you’re:
- Not promising something in the future you’re not going to fulfill
- Staying true to yourself
- Compassionate towards him rather than thinking he’s just a desperate guy who wants sex
Please be aware that this way of saying no to sex doesn’t fix the problem! It simply allows you to gracefully turn him down. If he keeps insisting, you have to reinforce what you said with:
I’ve told you that I don’t want sex with you today. Please stop pressing the issue or I’ll have to leave the house for an hour. I don’t feel safe when you don’t listen to what my boundaries are.
Make sure that you have a consequence in place you actually are going to follow through. Do not use more withholding of sex as a consequence though.
Why?
Because you’re starting to exert power over him rather than reinforcing your boundaries.
If he still insists, you need to follow through with the action you said you’ll do. While you do these things, please make sure that you say them in a calm and neutral manner. Don’t raise your voice as it’ll escalate the situation.
Your man doesn’t like pestering you for sex. Why do you think he keeps asking for it?- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
How to Make a Man Stop Asking for Sex
My husband is too sexually demanding…
If you’re thinking that to yourself, keep reading. We’ve covered how to say no to your husband, and that will help. However, it may not solve the problem. You have to face the fact that you’ve different levels of desire.
He’s high desire while you’ve low desire at the moment. This may or may not change. It’s best to assume it won’t change. So how do you make your husband stop asking for sex all the time? You need to talk to him about it.
Don’t try to do that when he’s trying to seduce you. Do it outside of the bedroom in a more neutral context. We’ve covered a lot of communication tips in this section of our blog. Take a look to make sure you’re going to broach the topic in a good way.
For now, here’s an example of how you can do it:
You know that I love you very much? I really appreciate how you care for me. I love your jokes and how you make me laugh. I’m quite happy in our relationship and I’d like to keep making it better. I’ve noticed that we have a mismatch in sexual desire. I’m often not in the mood when you are and it must be really frustrating for you to be turned down.
I don’t want that. It hurts me to see how you feel when I don’t have sex with you. I’m afraid that this issue could become really bad for us and start destroying the goodness we do have.
I’m not sure what the solution is, but I want to find one with you. I want both of us to be happy. What do you think?
Here are some important pointers:
- She starts off positive. She doesn’t say, ‘we need to talk!’
- She reassures him that she loves him.
- She brings up what she has noticed.
- She empathizes with him and how he could feel.
- She tells him that she doesn’t have the solution but that she wants to find it with him.
Here’s the thing: your husband doesn’t like to ask you for sex 1000x times and get turned down. He’s just as unhappy about the issue as you are. No one wants to get rejected and no one wants to be pestered.
Of course he’s upset about the lack of intimacy. And you’re probably upset when your husband always touches you inappropriately. Acknowledge that this issue is something that you face together. You’re not enemies.
When you find your solution, that’s when he’ll stop asking for sex all the time.
Some Practical Tips to Handle a Sexually Demanding Husband
At the heart of handling any conflict is an open mind and an open heart. You do want to take your time to understand your husband. When you do, make sure you don’t take anything he says personally. It’s just his experience. Also, you can totally get what he’s saying and still not agree.
Here’s some ideas on how you can explore his view on sexuality:
- What does it mean to him?
- What does sex give him?
- How does he feel when he has great sex?
- How does he feel when he gets rejected?
- What does he believe he loses when he doesn’t have sex for a few days?
These are just a few of the questions you want to ask. Take your time to really listen and ask deeper questions.
A mismatch in sexual desire doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship.- Jachym Jerie
Potential Solutions
Once you’ve taken your time to listen, and you had a deep discussion on the topic without trying to find a quick solution, it’s time to look at what you could do. Your solution might not be here but they can serve as an inspiration.
1. Be Sexual With Him Without Intercourse
Our definition of sex is often very narrow. You can be sexual with each other without intercourse. You need to see what you’re ready to do. If it’s intercourse that you don’t like but you don’t mind giving him head, then that’s an option. Maybe you want to use your hand, or be there and tell him an exciting story while he pleasures himself .
There are many options on how you can be sexual with him, without having to have intercourse with him.
2. Rewrite the Way You Have Sex With Each Other
There’s an entire world out there that looks at sex very differently than what’s considered mainstream. It’s called tantra. There are techniques out there that allow him to have orgasms without ejaculation. You can have sex with him being inside you without moving. You can learn to circulate the energy between you.
Again, the possibilities are vast and you may find that these variations of sex are much deeper and more fulfilling.
3. Open Up Your Relationship
We’ve had an open relationship in the past. Not because of sexual incompatibility, but because we thought that love shouldn’t be possessive. Just to be clear, an open relationship means that both of you can go out and have sex with other people. Usually you don’t allow an emotional connection to develop. That would be a polyamorous relationship (we tried that too). What can we tell you about the experience?
It’s challenging and it can help avoid issues that otherwise you need to address. It takes clear boundaries and rules and even then you’ll still face situations you don’t know how to handle. It lends itself to chasing pleasurable experiences rather than deepening the current relationship.
So why do we still put it in here?
Because for some people, it might be a viable option. We believe that you’re better off facing the issue than to open up the relationship, though you may find that opening up the relationship could lead to an increase in sexual desire between the two of you.
There’s one more solution which we have dedicated another section to.
You haven’t unlocked your full sexual potential if you haven’t explored your body, yourself, and your femininity.- Natasha Koo
You decided you want to match your husband’s sex drive.
Is it possible?
Maybe.
There’s a chance that you’re not allowing your sexual energy to flow freely. So your desire for less sex is really a manifestation of being out of touch with your own sexuality. What can you do about it? Here are some tips:
1. Fall In Love With Being a Woman
How do you feel about being feminine? Does it evoke discomfort? So many women are at war with parts of their femininity. You can see that in the harsh judgment some women hold against others.
As a society we’ve fallen into the trap of glorifying the masculine. Many women aspire to embody more masculine traits like:
- Being goal-oriented
- Being decisive
- Exerting power to reach their goals
- Looking for challenges
It’s not wrong for a woman to be able to tap into these masculine traits. But if you neglect the feminine traits, it comes at a cost. Not only that, often women hide in the masculine because they dislike their feminine essence.
Not embracing your feminine will stunt the sexual desire you experience. Embracing it again has a high chance for your sex drive to increase. In our flagship coaching program The Cherished Wife, we help you to unlock your true potential as a woman. Just this one thing has a huge impact on your relationship. It decreases the amount of conflict and increases the passion and love you experience with your husband.
If you’re interested, head over here now.
2. Love Your Sensuality and Sexuality
We can’t have a higher sex drive if we don’t enjoy being in our body.
How does it feel when you move?
Do you enjoy the sensation of the wind on your skin?
These are all sensory experiences that we don’t pay attention to. The more you’re in your body and enjoying the aliveness of it, the more you’re in touch with your sexuality. It goes the same for sex:
How much do you actually enjoy the experience of letting yourself melt into the waves of pleasure?
Is sex something that can be profoundly rewarding or is it just something you have to do? The more you connect to it being an amazing experience, the more you want to have this experience.
3. Let Go of Negative Associations Towards Sex
What gets in the way of us fully embracing our sexuality is a lot of negative conditioning society puts on us. That’s especially true for women:
- Don’t dress like this because it’s slutty
- Don’t be too sexy because you’re going to get raped
- Sex is dirty
- Don’t touch yourself, it’s not ladylike
I mean it’s completely bonkers how much people have villainiized sex. As long as you believe it’s not ok to:
- Be fully expressive of your pleasure
- Show without inhibition how much you want to have sex
- Receive male attention
- Dress however you wish
- Be the object of desire
- Give yourself to a man fully without holding back
You’re not going to allow yourself to feel your sexual desires. Which then leads to a suppression of sexual energy and a decrease in your sex drive.
To make love to your husband can be deeply rewarding if you don’t feel like you have to do it.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
4. Explore Your Body
Are you comfortable being gentle with your body without having to perform?
Is it ok for you to just touch your body in a non sexual way and enjoy it? If not, you’re not really at ease in your body. We often treat our bodies as machines that need to perform. But they’re so much more.
You can explore your body to see what feels nice. You can also explore it to see where you’re uncomfortable being touched. The same goes for wearing revealing outfits. See where you’re being pushed out of your comfort zone and what the judgment is behind your discomfort.
5. Commit to Finding New Ways of Experiencing Pleasure
The more pleasurable and satisfying an experience is, the more we want to repeat it.
It’s the same for sex.
If you want to increase your sex drive, find new ways of experiencing pleasure. Most people have only unlocked a very limited amount of pleasure in their body. You can do a lot more. There are various kinds of orgasms you can experience. There are various ways of experiencing pleasure that are non-sexual.
If you really want to find a fulfilling sex life that’s good for you and your husband, you need to commit to going deeply into your sexuality and your body. There’s no other way.
This may mean that you need to stop having sex for a while because you’ve built up a negative association to it. You need to break that association and rewire your brain to like sex. You can only rewire it when you show yourself that you respect your boundaries.
For example, if you find thinking to yourself that:
- ‘My husband gropes me constantly and i hate it
- I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore
- Why does my husband always touch my breast?
- My husband is always touching me’
It’s a sign that you’re not respecting your boundaries and communicating them effectively. Your husband can only be touching you despite your disliking it if you fail to draw the appropriate consequences.
When it comes to finding the right balance between you and your husband sexually, it can be a learning process.
First you must get to know your boundaries. Then you need to speak up and be okay with uncomfortable conversations. Finally, the best sex life that awaits you is one where you tap into your own sensuality and desires.
With your partner’s high sex drive, you might’ve been prioritizing his needs and desires. But the best way to find a deeply fulfilling sexual union with your husband is to actually explore the sensual realm for yourself.
If this is all new to you or if you don’t know where to start, then work with us to Unleash Your Inner Goddess. You aren’t alone in this struggle and there is a way forward where you feel confident, carefree and at ease sexually. That’s why we’re here.
So many relationships need healing in the bedroom. Sex might’ve been fun and easygoing at the beginning of your relationship, but it can become a loaded topic with lots of sticky emotions and triggers involved. That’s why getting professional help can reset the sexual dynamic in your relationship and bring you and your partner back to a healthy sexual balance again.
Discover 3 DANGEROUS Mistakes Couples Make
Receive a FREE assessment to identify your relationship mistakes & how to avoid them.
