What if you desperately want support from your husband at home but you get none?
We get it, it feels awful when you aren’t working as a team. When you don’t seem to understand each other and you’re wondering, how to get your husband to help around the house.
Is there a way for you to find a peaceful resolution? The answer is yes. This article is exactly what you need if you’re in a situation where your:
- Husband gets angry when you ask him for help
- Husband refuses to help with housework
- Husband can’t find anything in the house
- Husband has to be reminded to do simple things
Or you find yourself wondering:
- Should a husband help with housework?
- How to get my husband to clean up after himself?
- How to get my husband to help with chores?
Read on because we’ll get you the answers to these questions and more.
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Because you’re approaching the subject from the wrong angle. Most likely, you clicked onto this page because you feel:
- Taken advantage of
- Not appreciated
- Like a house-maid
- Bitter and resentful
There’s nothing wrong with feeling these emotions. But if you take a closer look at the list above, the summary is that you’ve become a victim that’s powerless and helpless. Not only that, your husband is the evil guy and if only he’d change, you’d feel better.
This has to stop if you want change in your relationship. You don’t have to get rid of your expectations, but you do have to stop behaving like you’re the victim. It’s the only way that your husband will help around the house.
Believe me. I, as the husband, am cleaning, washing dishes and making sure that the place is at least somewhat tidy. And just to be clear, it didn’t used to be this way at all. Natasha used to nag, criticize, and blame me. It was a very unpleasant situation for both of us. But we made it through and so can you. So how did we turn things around? Read on to find out.
The Relationship Isn’t Just About You
When you decided to date and eventually marry your husband, you made a leap from just focusing on yourself to learning to be together as a couple. Most people fail to make that transition. Instead, what happens is that you’re busy trying to get your way while your husband wants his way. That’s called a power struggle.
Relationships are a natural conduit of love and joy. The only thing that hinders the flow of those qualities are fears.– Natasha & Jachym Jerie
You don’t want to be stuck in this relationship phase forever. Why repeat the same household conflicts? The good news is that you can move through it. To do so, you have to abandon the idea that it’s either yours or his way.
Instead, you want to find a new way that incorporates the best from both worlds. You want to find a collaborative way to do things as a couple. That’s how you get rid of having the same fights over and over again.
If you fail to adapt this mindset, the relationship is in for a rough ride. Not only that, it could become a more disruptive problem in the relationship that does more damage over time.
That’s why you have to drop the idea of getting your husband to help around the house. Do you hear how that statement is forceful and subtly manipulative? If you want more support, love and recognition then read on to find out what does help in the long-run.
You’ve probably gathered by now that wanting your husband to help around the house isn’t the problem. It’s all the emotional attachments and the meaning-making behind it that make it a struggle. So how can you move forward when there are already so many assumptions in place?
If you want to stop being in a power struggle, you have to become self-aware. This means you have to question the following:
- Why do I hold these views?
- Are these my views or my parents views?
- What’s the benefit of seeing things this way?
- What are the downfalls of my perspective?
Then you want to turn towards the very specific issue and examine your intentions:
- Why’s it so important for me to get my husband to help?
- What do I believe I’ll gain when he helps?
- Does his inaction really mean that he doesn’t care, love or support me?
And lastly, you want to look at how you’ve been showing up:
- How have I been communicating about this issue with my husband?
- Do I understand why he isn’t helping?
- What communication styles did I engage in that are destructive or unhelpful?
Do you see how a simple thing like house-hold chores can become a fantastic opportunity for growth in your marriage? That’s how people who have an Exceptional Relationship view conflict. They see it as a growth and bonding opportunity, rather than something that needs to be avoided.
If you want to join the ranks of couples who are in an Exceptional Relationship, you need to ask one more question:
Am I willing to find another alternative to do things that we both haven’t thought of yet which honors both of our needs?
If the answer is yes, you’re on your way to resolve the household chore issue once and for all. No more wishing ‘if only my husband would help more in the house.’
What's Your Husband's View?
You’re not going to find a new way of doing things if you don’t understand how your husband sees things. That’s why you want to sit down with him, and really listen. You want to understand how he sees housework, the role of man and wife and a lot more.
Instead you want to:
- Listen deeply
- Keep an open mind
- Ask questions to understand his view more clearly
How can you do that? By being at peace with yourself and your emotions. Note that peace doesn’t mean to suppress or deny your feelings. What you’re going through is valid. But so is your husband’s. That’s why it’s crucial that you listen to him and see if you can spot how he’s making sense of things.
To find an understanding, suspend your own belief for a moment so you can actually hear him. We are not advocating that you stop standing up for yourself or how you feel. What we’re suggesting is to stop communicating with the sole desire to get your way. By letting go of the strong beliefs and ideas that you have, you can create more space for understanding and compassion in that conversation.
Here’s an example from our lives:
Natasha kept insisting that I wring out the sponge after doing the dishes. ‘Really?!’ I thought to myself. I felt like I was already giving my best into the household chores, yet it still wasn’t enough. I was exasperated.
Then I heard her sigh heavily as she walked over to the sink. It sent me over the edge and instantly I felt judged, not appreciated and unloved. All from a fucking sponge!
Later that evening we sat down and through patience from Natasha I was finally able to hear her out. Why was it important for her for the sponge to be wrung out? As I listened to her, it made total sense. The more I listened, the more I thought, ‘Damn she’s right.’
So what did I do? I changed my ways. That’s how powerful listening can be.
If I, on the other hand, would have insisted on me being right, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn something new from my wife.
Just look at your husband: Is he stressed out of his brain when the dishes aren’t done right after dinner? No. Maybe you can learn something from your husband about things not having to be perfect.
Stop Being His Mom
Who has told your husband to clean up and to be tidy? His mom.
You’re not his mom, you’re his lover. But when you start treating him like a man-child that can’t take care of himself, you’re shifting the dynamic into a mother-son relationship. It’s not pleasant for either one of you. Not only that, you’re going to lose attraction for your husband because you see him as:
- A burden
- A child
That’s not an image you’ll be attracted to. It certainly wasn’t what attracted you to your husband when you first met. Instead, you want to shift your focus towards what you perceived when you fell in love.
- What were the characteristics that drew you to him?
- What did he do that you loved?
Look at that and see if you can still find these in your husband now. If not, it’s time to discuss with your husband how your relationship has gone off track and what you can do to steer it in a direction that you both would enjoy.
As long as the relationship is about you, it’ll be dissatisfying. Only when you willingly give yourself to love will you discover the incredible depth and beauty of union.– Natasha & Jachym Jerie
How else do you stop being his mom?
You get rid of any behavior that is mom-like. That means:
- Stop nagging
- Stop telling him what to do
- Stop doing things for him when you don’t want to do
- Stop using reward/punishment to change your partner
You want to become partners again. To be partners means that you have a shared vision for the relationship. You see each other’s strengths and you want to bring out the best in each other. You’re done playing power games with each other and instead, you’re clear on what you want to nurture in the relationship.
Rather than projecting a negative image onto your husband, you see him for who he is with all his perfections and imperfections. To be partners means that you’re both committed to the relationship and excited to see how good it can get.
An exceptional commitment leads to an Exceptional Relationship.– Natasha & Jachym Jerie
We get it. How did house chores and housework become such a big topic? When it comes to relationships, we don’t often foresee the challenges that we face. You probably never imagined to be in this position with your partner.
But the reality of an intimate relationship is that you will have your differences, disagreements and misunderstandings. The question is what will you do about it. Do you want to find a harmonious way forward where you both feel loved, appreciated and understood?
If you feel uncertain and scared to tackle this topic with your partner, don’t worry we can help. We personally were able to save our marriage because we reached out to professionals at the worst points of our relationship. Take the current issue that you’re facing as an opportunity to transform your relationship for the better.
You can do this.
If you don’t want to give up on the love and a life-time together, then start questioning your assumptions with the questions of this article or reach out to us for additional support.
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