Lost the spark in your marriage?
Wondering how to Become Sexually Attracted to My Husband Again?
This article answers all those uncomfortable questions that’s been on your mind.
From ‘Is it normal to not be sexually attracted to your husband?’ to ‘Should I tell my husband that I’m not attracted to him?’, we’ve got the answers that you need.
Stop relying on advice from girlfriends or what you read in magazines. The advice and our tried and true blueprint will set you up for long-term success.
Click here to download our free Irresistible Wife Blueprint.
If you really want to rekindle the intimacy then keep reading for our top tips for wives who’ve lost attraction and sexual interest in their partners.
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I Love My Husband but I’m Not Sexually Attracted to Him
This whole relationship thing isn’t black and white. You can love your man, yet not feel any attraction towards him. It happens. But it doesn’t have to stay this way.
Is attraction something that’s completely out of our control? No.
But it does require work and changes in your relationship. Let’s dive into what you can do to change your relationship for the better.
The more we honor the differences in men and women, the more satisfying our relationship can become.- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
Is It Normal to Not Be Sexually Attracted to Your Husband?
If the answer is yes, would that change anything?
In my opinion, it doesn’t. Why? Because you have the power to shape your relationship rather than succumb to some made-up standard. Most people don’t put the work that’s necessary into their relationship. Is it any wonder that they fail? No.
That said, it’s not uncommon that sexual attraction fades over time. This is especially true if you don’t make the switch from seeking sexual excitement to the depth of connection you can experience during sex.
Why Am I Not Sexually Interested in My Husband
There are several reasons why wives stop finding their husbands attractive. Let’s look at a few of them.
1. Life Circumstances Have Become Demanding
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve lots going on in your job or whether you just became a mother. Leading a demanding life can put sex on the backburner. Your energy is simply tied up in other matters and sex becomes the last thing you think about.
2. Sex Never Has Been a Priority for You
Sure, when you first met you were on a hormonal high and totally into each other. But if sex hasn’t been something that had a high priority in your life, it’ll eventually return to this baseline you’ve had before. That said, it could also be that your husband isn’t satisfying you sexually and that’s why you stopped desiring him.
3. You Don’t Express Love Through Physical Touch
We all receive love through different modalities, one of them is physical touch. If your love language is for example, acts of service, you simply don’t realize how much love can be expressed through touching each other and sex.
4. Your Relationship Has Become Depolarized
Men and women have different polarities which makes them attracted to each other. But as you go on in your relationship, you spend more and more time together which leads to you depolarizing each other. You need to make a conscious choice to not merge with your partner but keep a healthy distance in which attraction still can happen.
When you’re merged, you won’t feel attraction because you feel as if you’re one. Sex needs a certain distance between the two of you.
5. Depth of Connection vs. Seeking Novelty
Our brain loves newness. But newness always wears off. Which is why sex can go out the window. But you don’t have to keep going on the hamster wheel of chasing the next pleasure high. Instead, you can discover that you can go deeper with your partner. This depth of connection is ultimately more rewarding and satisfying than the short lived pleasure you find when you start dating.
6. Hormonal Changes
You’ve just given birth. You take the pill. You’re going through menopause. Fact is: your hormone levels will change and with it your arousal levels. It’s normal that you go through phases where you don’t want to have sex with your husband. That doesn’t mean that you’re broken.
7. Negative Body Image
If you don’t find yourself attractive, you’re not going to want your husband to see you. So you hide yourself from him. Of course you’re not going to be sexually interested in him anymore. Your lack of sexual interest has to do with your perception of your own attractiveness. Your husband can tell you as much as he wants that you’re smoking hot. But if you don’t see it yourself, his words will never reach you.
You enjoying sex is the biggest turn-on for your husband.– Jachym Jerie
8. You’re Disconnected From Your Body
Sex is physical.
If you’ve disconnected yourself from your body, you won’t be in touch with your sexuality. You need to feel and love your body in order to be in the mood for sex. The more you can feel your body, the more you can sense how pleasurable it feels to be sexual. That then sets up a self-reinforcing cycle where you like to do it more because it feels good.
But without the connection to your body, this cycle can never happen.
9. You Have a Negative View Around Sex
Sex is stigmatized.
In one way, our society is hyper sexual. In another way, it’s repressing sexuality. Women don’t want to be viewed as ‘sluts.’ Do you see the judgment in that word? Do you believe that if you can’t be slutty, you really are going to allow yourself to experience the entire range of sexual energies you can tap into?
Of course not. You’re too afraid that you might lose control. You need to investigate your beliefs about sex so that you can find peace within yourself and celebrate your sexual nature. After all, without sex you nor anyone else would be here.
We can’t have deeply satisfying sex when we are at war with our gender.- Jachym Jerie
10. You’re at War With Your Femininity
Sex is where the gender differences are the clearest. When you don’t feel good about being a woman, it’s going to show in your sex life. Your lack of interest for sex, could really be just a way of avoiding facing your discomfort of being a woman.
This might sound ridiculous at first, however, we’ve found that many women have very negative associations to being female. They view it as a weakness. And hence, they’re at war with themselves. How can your sexual energy flow freely when you can’t even embrace your own gender?
If you’re struggling with this, we can help you. In our premium coaching program The Cherished Wife, we have dedicated an entire module to Unleashing Your Inner Goddess. We’ll get the roadblocks out of the way so that your sexual energy can flow freely again!
We’ve covered various reasons why you’re not attracted to your husband. But let’s look at another possibility:
I Don’t Find My Husband Attractive Anymore
When you first met him, he looked amazing. Now, he’s put on some weight and has gotten comfortable with his job. He’s lost his edge. You don’t find him attractive anymore. This absolutely can happen.
We all change as we age, it’s a normal thing. The challenge is to let your relationship evolve with you as you go through change. That means that you never really can settle for how things are now, you have to be open to things becoming different.
Why Am I so Turned off by My Husband
You aren’t just not attracted to your husband or don’t find him attractive, you’re actually turned off by him. That’s a different matter.
Here’s why you might be turned off by your husband:
1. Sex Was Never About You
When sex becomes a routine that’s soley focused on the man’s orgasm, it’s a total let down for the woman. Why would you want to have sex with him when you don’t really enjoy it? You eventually start associating sex to being a chore you have to do. Now, when you’re not honest with yourself about this, your body will simply start rebelling against his advances.
You’ve become turned off because you don’t want to just do it for his sake anymore.
2. He Was Pressuring You to Have Sex With Him
When your husband is pestering you everyday to have sex with him, it loses its appeal and mystery. You feel like you’re supposed to just roll over and let him have you. Where’s the romance and love in that? There is none. You’ve reduced sex to the physical act.
But sex is so much more than that. As a result, your body is going to start to say no to him. He touches you and you feel dread flooding through you. Or he looks at you a certain way and you know what he wants. But your body says no.
Because you haven’t respected your own boundaries. You’ve given in to his advances even though it felt really bad.
3. Unresolved Relationship Issues
Another reason why you don’t want to have sex with your husband is that you’re harboring resentment against him. That’s not fertile ground for being aroused. If anything, it’s pushing you away. Again, it’s your body saying no. Listen to it. You want to make a habit of respecting yourself rather than just pleasing your husband at your own peril.
Sex can be an expression of love, but we can’t tap into that when we’re all cross with each other. So resolve your conflicts for the sake of your sex life. Otherwise you might become a woman who gets trapped in a sexless marriage.
4. Trust Has Been Broken
If your husband has cheated on you, it’ll have a major impact on your sex life. It can have this very effect where you feel totally turned off by him. He’s broken your trust. But sex requires a lot of trust. Which is why your body is saying no to it. Until you’ve reestablish a foundation of trust in your relationship, your sex life will suffer from it.
We need to stay authentic if we want our marriage to last.- Natasha Koo
You clearly want to have sex, But you don’t want to have it with your husband.
While all of the above reasons can still apply, here’s one more:
He’s become your source of comfort.
Doesn’t sound bad, right?
Well, it isn’t unless that’s all you see in him. You see, in order for sexual attraction to work, you need to see him as a desirable and strong man. If you see him as a cuddly bear, you won’t be attracted to him. Instead, you’ll get all your emotional needs met by him, but not your sexual ones.
That’s why you’re attracted to everyone else but your husband.
Should I Tell My Husband I’m Not Attracted to Him?
We don’t believe in keeping your partner in the dark. He needs to know because it affects his entire life. He probably already feels that you’re not into him because you’re rejecting his sexual advances. So at least let him know where you’re at so that he can make the right decision for him.Maybe he can accommodate a relationship that might end up being sexless. Maybe this is too important for him that he needs to really think hard whether he wants to stay together. Either way, it’s not going to be an easy conversation.
However, keeping him in the dark will make things worse because he’ll feel deceived. Even if you’re doing it out of the intent of not hurting him. Ultimately you’ll hurt him more because the truth eventually comes out.
There’s another important reason why you need to tell him:
It opens up the chance for you to work it out. If you are willing, you can see what can be done to restore the attraction towards him. But if you aren’t, then you better tell him upfront.
If sex isn’t enjoyable, why would you want to do it?- Natasha and Jachym Jerie
How to Be Attracted to My Husband Again
You’ve taken the first step!
Wanting to feel attracted to your husband is the most vital one of them all. It opens the door to taking all the other steps. Without the willingness to do something about the lack of attraction to your husband, you’re not going to be able to implement any of the things we’re outlining here for you.
1. Stop Pressuring Yourself
Your husband is most likely upset because you’re not having sex with him as often as he’d like. And when you’re having sex, you simply aren’t as into it as you used to. Since you want our husband to be happy, this can put a lot of pressure onto you.
You feel like you owe him sex. But this very idea is probably what has gotten you into the trouble you’re in now. You see, the more you’re having sex out of obligation, the less you connect to the pleasure that it would give you.
Without the pleasure, you feel less inclined to do it again. Before you know it, you’re in a vicious cycle. That’s why you have to stop pressuring yourself and stop giving into pressure from your husband. If that’s not easy, we suggest you talk to him and let him know what you’re going through.
Simply tell him that you’re committed to finding the attraction again for him and that you’re working things out. Elicit his help so that he’s on board with the process.
2. Listen to Your Body and Respect Your Boundaries
As we’ve mentioned in the first step, you’ve probably crossed your boundaries when it comes to sex. You need to stop that immediately. Stop engaging in sex when you don’t want it. Yes, you can still see if you get in the mood, but you don’t want to force yourself.
Without the respect for your boundaries, your body won’t open up. Women need to feel safe in order to feel turned on. Violating your boundaries does the exact opposite: it instills distrust and fear.
Put your safety first and follow it up with actions. Listen to your body. Be honest with yourself. Learn to say no with compassion. Again, it’s best to let your husband know what you’re up to. You can show him that part of the problem was that you didn’t respect yourself and now have started to associate sex with being unsafe.
3. Find The Pleasure of Being Touched Without an Agenda
Sex is often scripted. Kissing, touching, maybe oral, intercourse then orgasm. You want to break this mold.
Because it comes with expectations. And these aren’t seen as safe by you anymore. Because it’s these habits that have instilled the negative experience regarding sex. What should you do instead?
Learn to regularly touch your husband and let him touch you without going for sex. You want to show yourself that it’s safe to be touched. That you can enjoy it without having to perform for him.
In short, you want to become the star of the show instead of his orgasm. If everything revolves around getting him off, you’re going to be left out. Instead, you want to take your time.
4. Be at Peace With Your Sexuality and Femininity
We’ve mentioned this before: you need to make peace with being a woman. What are the aspects of femininity that you hate in other women? Look at these and see if you can let go of this resistance.
It doesn’t mean that you have to become these women, but it does mean that you regain part of you that wasn’t allowed to be. This process is very important and very deep. We encourage you to get help with it as it’ll be faster and easier.
You also want to dive into your sexuality and the beliefs you hold around it. For example, a lot of women have rape fantasies. Having these fantasies can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Rather than backing up, you want to lean in and explore what’s driving them.
The more you can embrace all of you, the more at peace you are with your femininity. And the more the sexual energy can flow, the easier it is for your husband to dance with you.
A feminine woman holds more power than a woman who tries to be masculine.- Jachym Jerie
5. See Your Husband in a New Light
You won’t sleep with your husband if you see him as an incompetent weakling.
Why would you?
Women are drawn to strong and powerful men. That makes sense, as a man in power is more capable of guaranteeing the survival of their offspring. So when you don’t see your husband as a capable man, your attraction will be diminished.
How do you change the perception?
Start focusing on his strength and tell him what he does well. This in turn will boost his confidence and he’ll do other things better. You in turn keep pointing out all the great qualities he has. It becomes an upward spiral where he gains more confidence because of your encouragement. And believe me, so many underestimate the power they have to make or break the confidence of their man.
Because part of being a good man means that you’re able to make your woman happy. The more you can show him how much he’s fulfilling you, the more his confidence will rise.
The other thing you can do is to start questioning the thoughts you have about him. You see, you’ve created a story about your husband in which he’s not strong and desirable. This story is filtering your perception of him. The more you can clear out this story, the more you can meet the man himself.
6. Let Him Be Your Hero
You want to experience your man as strong and capable.
But you’ll only get that experience when you let him be your hero. Instead of doing everything yourself, start asking for his help and input. You’re carrying heavy groceries? Tell him: “These are too heavy for me, I can’t carry them please help me.”
It doesn’t matter if you would be able to carry them yourself, what does matter is that you’re stepping aside and letting him fill his role as a man.
You see, one of the major issues couples face today is gender equality. Not because it’s bad, but because we’ve associated equality with sameness. But we’re not the same! We’re different and if we don’t live in this difference, the attraction goes out the window.
It doesn’t mean that women have to stay at home. But it does mean that you allow your man to do what he’s built to do.
This is how you make yourself attracted to your husband again!
Here’s the honest truth:
A lot of relationships lose the magnetic spark of attraction over time.
Most couples settle for this lackluster dynamic even though it’s one of the leading causes of divorce.
So what can you do to heal the sexual connection between you and your husband?
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