Do you want to feel your man’s passion and strength? Do you want to be deeply desired and cherished by your husband like when you first met?
If your answer is HELL YES, then read on!
Some couples who used to be deeply in love come to us because they’ve become roommates. They are completely depolarized and no longer have any attraction towards each other anymore. They don’t sleep with each other anymore and they’ve simply become a household-managing unit.
It doesn’t have to end up this way. Your relationship can actually get more and more fulfilling over time instead of deteriorating. Many couples compromise until they don’t recognize themselves anymore. Don’t let that be you.
You can have an amazing relationship that ticks all the boxes. You can wake up feeling like the luckiest woman on the planet because you have such an amazing husband. How can you have your dream relationship? By understanding what makes relationships go stale.
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Gender Equality Is Killing Your Relationship
We are not the same.
Men will never have a womb and women won’t be impregnating other women with their sperm from their imaginary testicles. Nowadays we’re so busy equalizing everything that we take out any polarity between the genders. But that polarity is needed to have passionate and hot sex.
Imagine a magnet that has two opposing poles. What happens? They get drawn to each other. Now, depolarize that magnet. What happens now? Nothing. Just like in many long-term couples’ bedrooms.
Women believe that emancipation means to be more like men. In truth, emancipation means to embrace your femininity and use its strength the masculine is missing.– Jachym Jerie
You and your husband are unique human beings that have the opportunity to create together. When we try to be equal, we don’t respect that both parties have their strengths and weaknesses.
We don’t respect that the friction between you is actually a good thing. Because it allows you to find a greater solution that’s better than either one of your own.
When you try to neutralize genders, you get rid of all the magic too. You take away the very opportunity to find a synergy that’ll propel your lives forward. Let’s look at a simple biological function to drive home the point that we’re not equal.
Why Did Sex Become Political?
Sex isn’t politically correct. It doesn’t care whether you want to be seen as an equal or not.
Fact is, you and your husband aren’t the same. Both parties play a different role in mating and that’s good. Women are biologically wired to want a strong man. The act of sex in itself is showing how we are not the same.
The man has to penetrate the woman, not the other way around. Women often like to be dominated in the bedroom as you can see from books like 50 Shades of Grey becoming bestsellers. And there’s nothing wrong with being turned on by being submissive to your partner.
The issue is when we confuse equality of opportunity, which we are all for, with equality in all areas of our lives.
We are not saying that:
- women shouldn’t do certain jobs or
- women are less valuable than men.
No. That wouldn’t be true. What we are saying is that we do have biological differences which are important to acknowledge.
Men and women have evolved to complement each other. It’s by design. Try impregnating another man… it won’t work.
Both parties are needed and are equally valuable. Gender equality has become another ideal to live up and conform to. It does not celebrate uniqueness, instead it wants everyone to be the same.
It’s a recipe for disaster because it’s superimposed upon people and how they should behave. The same can be said for stereotyping gender roles and what it means to be a man or a woman but more on that later.
Let’s first explore how you might be trying to take away polarity and friction from your relationship.
The Clone Trap
“I wish my man would be as tidy as me”
“I wish my man would just talk to me about his emotions.”
“I wish my man would care more about our relationship.”
Do you really wish that?
Here’s what will happen:
You’ll end up with a clone of yours. When you wish your man to be like you, you’re devaluing and disregarding the qualities he does bring to the table. That’s a form of disempowerment. You’re basically saying:
How I see the world and how I act is the right and only way.
Even if you don’t think or say it, you’re still giving off this message. Why? Because you’re not willing to acknowledge your man’s strength and how it complements your way. All you do is show your husband that his way is inferior. If he’s like most human beings, he’ll have some identity wrapped up in what he does and hence he’ll receive the message: you’re inferior to me.
But why are you doing it? Are you afraid of conflict? If your man doesn’t behave how you want him to, how does that make you feel? Not the surface emotion of anger, annoyance, and frustration, but deep down what do you feel?
Uncover that and you’re on your way to having a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Trying to control your husband is emasculating him. Are you doing that and if so, how does it impact your relationship? Read on to find out.
Before we get started, let me explain what I mean by ‘emasculating’ your man. I’m using the word because we’re talking about men here. But it really applies to all human beings. When we try to exert power over and evalue someone else in some way, we’re disempowering them. In this case, you’re emasculating your man.
Below are three examples of how you might be doing that.
1. The Independence Trap
You might be saying to your partner:
“I don’t need you.”
Yes you do.
AND he needs you too.
In society today, we worship independence. Look at how ‘strong’ and ‘independent’ I am. I’m earning my own money and I don’t need you. I can just hop onto tinder and get the next hot piece of meat.
This attitude is harmful to you and your partner. Not only that, it’s also delusional. You’re not independent. Someone is bringing you your mail. Your food is grown by someone else; your devices are designed, built, and distributed by someone else. You are TOTALLY dependent. We all are. That’s how the human race has made it this far.
Rather than thinking that you’re independent, start thinking that you’re self-reliant. Meaning, you can rely on yourself to build up resources and use your own power to move forward in life. Yet you’re still nevertheless a part of a greater network that helps you move forward.
When you’re stuck in an ‘I’m so independent’ mindset, you’re keeping yourself from exploring the deeper layers of love and intimacy. You see, ‘I don’t need you’ is showing strength. It doesn’t work when you feel weak, helpless, and vulnerable. Yet these moments are exactly what can deeply heal you and your partner and bring you closer together.
In many cases the ‘I am so independent’ card is used for a powerplay in the relationship. If I don’t need you, I don’t have to listen to you. I can just insist that we do things my way. That’s disempowering, selfish, and very short sighted. In fact, that’s how many couples get stuck in over-compromising. When one partner constantly insists on their way, there is no longer a creative collaboration between the two. Rather, it becomes an unbalanced relationship where there is no synergy or teamwork.
You may not need your partner in the same way you need water and food. But you do need them if you want to have a healthy relationship and family-unit. Being and staying in an intimate relationship allows you to:
- Experience deep healing
- See your own limitations in your world view
- Learn what it means to go beyond being ‘me’ focused
- Experience how you can form a new unit that’s greater than its parts
Is your partner the only way you can experience and learn these things? No. But it does make it more likely for you to do so. You can’t explore these opportunities of growth if you keep insisting on your independence or don’t commit fully to your relationship. Here’s another way that you might be emasculating your man.
2. Being Controlling
Think about this: not only are you saying that you don’t need your partner, you also want him to do things your way.
‘No, don’t stack the dishes this way. No, we’re not going to eat Italian, we’re going for sushi. Why don’t you remember to put the toilet seat down?! Make sure to wear your navy socks with those pants. Don’t fold the laundry this way….’
When you’re so obsessed about how things have to be done, your man becomes a little puppet that needs to be trained. You do not see him as a strong and powerful man who’s your partner. No, he becomes this annoying and useless thing that can’t do anything right. Someone who can’t follow your directions.
If you see your man this way, is it any wonder that you’re not attracted to him anymore? Is it any wonder that he’s not attracted to you? You become a mom-figure and he becomes a boy. Both parties are unhappy and dissatisfied. In the process, the disconnection makes you both feel disempowered, misunderstood or unheard.
With this attitude you have not just degraded your man but you have degraded yourself. You’ve effectively robbed yourself of experiencing other sides of yourself. Such as the softening, surrendering and receptive aspects of yourself when you’re not in control and let go instead.
By trying to control him you don’t become his equal, you become his superior. The only way out is to stop being so controlling. We’ll show you how to stop the control-freak in you and learn to surrender more to your feminine qualities later in this article.
3. Expecting Him to Be A Certain Way
It’s time to question the unconscious bias and expectations that we have of our partner. This attitude of disempowering your man isn’t talked about. Why? Because it sidesteps the gender role conflict and instead brings back the humanness we all really want.
Here’s how we use stereotypes of how a masculine man should be:
Of course he shouldn’t be:
Looking at a man this way is emasculating in and of itself. Why?
Because a man is still human and being human means that we have all of the above qualities in us as well. By pigeon-holding a man into a one dimensional being that has to be driven by testosterone and should only exhibit certain qualities, we’re dehumanizing him. What if you allowed your man to be himself without expecting him to suppress his insecurities?
To be manly means to be at peace with all of you.– Jachym Jerie
When you can meet your man as he is in this moment, both of you can grow together as a team. You’re not trapped anymore in a fantasy of how your man should be. If you cling to your list of how your husband should be, you’ll soon be wishing for a more ‘manly’ man. Do you see how doing that is making him not good enough again?
It’s the same thing as trying to control him. It just takes on a different disguise. In the first scenario, he isn’t good enough because of how he washes the dishes. In the second scenario, he isn’t good enough because he’s sometimes unsure of what to do. It’s all the same dysfunctional pattern.
We’ve covered the different ways that you might be emasculating your man. All of them will eventually lead to a dull sex-life and a crumbling relationship. Now that you know what to avoid, let’s look at what you can do instead.
How to Empower Your Husband Instead
Trying to stop gender roles by enforcing women and men to behave in the same way doesn’t work. Stereotyping genders on how they should behave also doesn’t work.
What’s the solution?
Stop buying into what it means to be a man or a woman. Most of these ideas aren’t even yours!
You’re constantly bombarded with ideals about what a man is and what a woman is. All of these things are images that you have to both live up to. They’re enforced by a third party like the media. No matter the ideal, we’ve shown you how it all leads to disempowerment. Why? Because you will both fail to be that ‘perfect’ mate.
You’re not meant to be one-dimensional beings. You’re so much more than that. Here’s how you can stop this endless cycle of trying to live up to an unrealistic expectation. One that isn’t aligned with your truth in the first place.
Break The Shackles Of Performance
When you don’t have to be a sexy, feminine, strong superwoman, you get to be you.
That’s rare though.
Most people are busy performing on their imaginary stage, to an imaginary audience in an imaginary plot. What if you stopped trying to be someone else and simply embraced all of you? When you finally get to know your authentic self, your relationship can be a place of relaxation, experimentation and growth. Otherwise, you’re an actor, trying to get your part right. No wonder this misunderstanding can make relationships so difficult.
Here’s a little secret:
If you want to empower your husband, empower yourself first. Why? Because when you’re self-empowered, you won’t disempower your partner anymore. Instead, you’ll want to meet your real husband and not the imaginary person he should be.
How do you break the shackles of performance and empower yourself? Look at where you have the biggest tendencies to judge others. For example you might have this judgment about a work colleague:
‘She’s such a slut.’
So are you. Yes, you can be a slut too. Does it mean that you have to go out and behave like one? No. But not embracing this aspect of yourself is disempowering. Why? Because you’re not at peace with yourself. You’re conflicted within you.
The same applies for your partner. You want your husband to be a certain way because you haven’t embraced a certain aspect of yourself fully. If you dive deep, you’ll find that there are all parts of yourself that are so-called ‘bad’ and not allowed.
The judgment and suppression of these aspects of you drains your energy. You’re not allowed to feel pleasure, to be sexual, and to be sensual. Why? Because that’s ‘dirty’ and only ‘sluts’ have these desires. But at the same time, you do want to feel pleasure. Hence, you allow yourself to feel some but not too much.
Do you see how you’re trying to control and manage yourself? You’re trying to withhold a certain image of yourself.
Here’s what you can do Instead: embrace your inner slut. It’s okay to have these desires. It’s okay to have that potential inside of you. Embracing it does not mean acting it out.
In reality, you actually get to use and transform this dormant energy. When it was once wasted on resisting a natural part of you, now you can free up this energy. You end the fight against the internal conflict of who you think you should be vs. how you are naturally acting. Once you do, it can stop controlling you.
That’s how you empower yourself. When you do, judgments of others become meaningless. You have a deeper and stronger understanding of who you really are, not the labels that others or you have put on yourself. Expressing yourself no longer needs to fit a certain expectation.
Once you’ve started to really embrace all of you, it’s time to take it to the next level! Read on to find out how.
Creating An Exceptional Relationship
When you’ve quit the endless performing in your life, you get to meet life, yourself, and your partner as they are. That’s exciting. Why? Because you get to have an Exceptional Relationship! A relationship that’s built on being the real and honest you.
You can finally reveal your true self to yourself and your partner. Instead of trying to mold yourself into the relationship, the relationship is created to serve you and your partner.
Imagine a piano. It has all kinds of keys you can press. When you’re stuck in how you and your man are supposed to be, you’re only allowing one key to be pressed. When you stop that nonsense, you get to play the whole piano. We’ll call this metaphor the relationship-piano from now on.
If your man feels like ravishing you passionately, he can. If he feels like being sensitive, he can. If he’s weak and unsure, he can be that too. You become fluid in your expression of relating to each other, rather than being stuck in an imaginary prison of what a man or woman should be like.
As long as you have keys on your piano-relationship that you’re not allowed to play, you’re hindering the expression of love and joy in your relationship. Let’s look at the major driver that limits your expressions.
What prevents you from relating fully in your marriage is fear. You’re afraid of breaking the mold of who you think you are. You have a certain self-image and you have to adhere to that image. Because your identity is wrapped into it, you’re afraid to discover all the other sides you have.
However, if you want to have an Exceptional Relationship, it’s absolutely necessary that you address your fears. Why? Because if you don’t, they rule you and your relationship. It’s not pleasant for you nor your partner.
You either choose love or you choose your fears and insecurities, you can’t choose both.– Natasha & Jachym Jerie
Play The Forbidden Keys
When you’ve only allowed yourself to play two keys on your relationship-piano, it’s a good idea to start using some of the other keys.
Let me explain:
Let’s say you were extremely controlling in your relationship, and that’s the only key you were using. For the next time-period stop using that key. Whenever you find yourself being controlling, you stop. Then you go even further and do the opposite. Ask your partner to lead. Ask him to make decisions you’d usually want to make. Accept whatever the outcome is.
Why is it important to do that?
It opens up your range of experiences and you get to explore how life is when you don’t try to control anymore. You get to discover a new side that can enjoy being led. Does it mean that your man should always lead? Nope. Then you’re back into restraining your relationship instead of being fluid and open to each situation.
For now you’re simply practicing to allow yourself to be led. When you’ve learned how beautiful and enriching that is, you get to drop the practice mode and be more fluid in your approach.
For example, Natasha used to be very controlling. We reversed roles and I was taking charge. Nowadays we take charge in different situations as it makes sense to us. It’s not emasculating me as a man if I step aside and let Natasha lead. Contrary, it enriches the relationship and gives it much more depth.
We get it. It’s hard enough to be a great wife, employee, neighbour, daughter, sister and friend all at the same time. We’re constantly bombarded with ideas of the right way to think and the right things to do. But what if you were to step back from all the internal and external pressure?
What is your truth?
What’s the ideal relationship for you? What’s the dynamic you want with your partner? How would you support one another? How would you express your full feminine self? How would you allow your spouse to be his full masculine self?
We don’t want you to walk away from this article thinking that there’s another prescribed way that your relationship or life has to be. We’re here to show you that what you always wanted is your version of the most fulfilling love. It is for you to find out.
You’ll get to your answers the more you work out disagreements, misunderstandings and other ‘conflicts’ within your relationship. The challenges that you face in your marriage are jumping boards to growth and transformation.
Forget all the ‘should’s. Focus deep down on what feels right. Question the expectations that you’ve set for you and your partner. Stop comparison completely.
Make life your own.
Make your relationship your own.
Only then can you have an Exceptional Relationship.
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