Jachym and I used to stay up until 3am talking to each other.
It was early on in our relationship and we couldn’t get enough of each other. Each conversation was like a treasure chest where we found valuable snippets of each other’s life, world views and aspirations.
There was never a dull moment and the words flowed like a natural river with endless inspiration, vigor and joy.
But it doesn’t always stay this way. Some people get used to each other and then stop exploring. If you’re finding yourself in this place then read on to find out how you can have deeper conversations again. After all, this research suggests that it’s important to have in your life.
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What’s A Meaningful Conversation With Your Husband?
We’re so hypnotized by our perspective, that we forget there are other ones.– Jachym Jerie
Before you try to have a meaningful conversation with your husband, you have to define what it really means to you. Is a meaningful conversation one where you talk about:
- Your childhood
- Your future together
- What you did today
Your husband might find a conversation about trucks meaningful, while you find shopping as a more meaningful topic. If you don’t understand what kind of conversation you want to have, it’ll be hard to steer it in the right direction. Maybe what you’re looking for is to feel heard.
So are you really looking for a meaningful conversation? Or is there something else you’re looking for?
Why Do You Want A Meaningful Conversation With Your Husband?
‘Wow!’ You said in awe and admiration. You’re left speechless, reminiscing in the sweet stillness between you two.
Your husband just told you a riveting story of his childhood. The last hour flew by as you travelled in time to see the world through his eyes. The room disappears as you marvel at the magic of life from your partner’s point of view. Deep appreciation wells up in your chest as you look into your husband’s eyes.
The words he said connected you to his every dream and wish. With each emotion embedded in your heart, you feel as one with him. You share an understanding smile across the table as you feel him squeeze your hand gently in his.
Wasn’t that how it was when you first met?
When you look at the scenario above, what is it that you’re really looking for? In most cases, people are looking for a deep connection with their spouse. Because they experienced it through deeply immersive conversations with their husband in the past. They think that having these again will give them the connection again.
Conversation and connection aren’t the same thing. You can experience one without the other.– Jachym Jerie
What if you could experience a deep connection with your spouse without needing to have a conversation?
Why Looking For A Meaningful Conversation With Your Husband Gets In The Way Of Connection
“Why isn’t he opening up to me?”
“This isn’t going anywhere.”
“I just don’t feel him.”
These are thoughts we can have while we’re in conversations with our spouse. Let me ask you this: Are these thoughts bringing you closer to your spouse or further away?
They’re bringing you further away. Why is that?
Because you’re not present with your husband anymore. You’re lost in your judgment about the conversation.
The more you look for a meaningful conversation the further true connection slides away.– Jachym Jerie
It might sound counterintuitive that the less you try, the deeper the connection you’ll have. I had to experience this myself first hand. Take this embarrassing example where I once pushed my friend too far for the sake of a ‘deeper conversation.’
We were sitting in the living room over a cup of tea when Sandy started sharing how her spiritual retreat went. She recently spent a week abroad with her spiritual teacher. As I listened, I felt a deep dissatisfaction and frustration.
Something wasn’t adding up, I thought. As Sandy continued the conversation, I interrupted her abruptly. ‘There must be something more’ I said. Sandy raised her eyebrows in surprise. ‘What do you mean?’ She asked.
‘Well, you can’t possibly have gone to that spiritual retreat for the beautiful nature. I mean, come on.’ I said, as I tried to fish for more information. Sandy’s face scrunched into a frown and she hesitantly said: ‘Well, maybe that’s just it. I went there just for nature.’
I looked at Sandy with annoyance as I didn’t get more out of the conversation. Only then did I notice that she had started to fidget in her chair. Then it hit me, I’d pushed her so far that she was starting to feel uncomfortable. I quickly backtracked and let the topic drop.
I learned that everyone has the right to share as much as they wish to. It isn’t up to me to judge whether their answer is good enough.
It’s not my place to push for more information and to get to the bottom of certain topics. If it was the connection that I was after, I would’ve listened to Sandy better instead of trying to fill the gaps in my mind of how the conversation should go.
How can you learn from my awkward exchange with my friend and avoid my mistakes in your relationship? Read on to find out.
How to Effortlessly Connect With Your Husband Now
If you want to experience connection, you have to be present to notice it.– Jachym Jerie
Here’s the number one reason why people don’t feel connected to their spouse:
They’re not present.
Ever tried to observe the beauty of the stars at night? If yes, where did you have to look? You had to look up. You can’t look down and see the stars. Now what happened when you looked up and started thinking about the last fight you had with someone?
Here’s my guess: You stopped appreciating the beauty that was in front of you. You drifted away. This even happens if you start thinking about the stars. To appreciate the beauty of anything, you have to be present.
It’s no different with your partner.
Rather than thinking that connection is something you have to get from your partner, what if it’s something you can always fall back into?
Connection is always here. But your experience of it is fluctuating.– Jachym Jerie
I know this sounds strange. Here you are trying to connect with your husband and I’m telling you that you don’t have to try. Give this exercise and go and experience it for yourself:
During the day notice when you feel connected. It doesn’t matter whether you feel connected with yourself, nature, your partner, your co-worker, your dog or something else. Just notice when connection occurs.
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:
- Did I make this feeling of connection happen?
- How did the feeling of connection occur?
- How did the experience of feeling connected stop?
Here’s what most people find:
You can’t force connection. It just happens.
What you’ll also notice is that you feel deeply connected and then less so. When you don’t do anything about it and only notice it, you’ll be in connection much more quickly than if you start thinking about how you lost it.
Do the exercise and see how your relationship shifts with your husband. You’ll become a connoisseur of connection rather than someone who has to chase it.
Why create connection with your husband artificially when you can do it effortlessly? If what you’ve tried in the past hasn’t worked, it’s time to take a different approach.
My Husband Isn’t Present So I Can’t Connect To Him
We all have times when we’re not present. You can be lost in thought about work, kids, the next vacation etc.
Does this mean that you can’t connect? No.
Connection can happen at any time. If your husband is lost in thought, just acknowledge it. Don’t try to change what he’s experiencing.
Your husband being lost in thought only becomes a problem when you start thinking about it.
That’s right. As long as one of you is present, it’s much easier to have an effortless connection. Whenever we drift off in our thoughts, there’s always a window of opportunity to come back to the present moment. That’s why having someone around who isn’t lost in thought can be really helpful.
“Oh, here we go again he just isn’t present.”
“Why isn’t he looking at me?”
These kinds of reactions aren’t helpful. They’re an indication that you also aren’t present anymore. If you’re struggling with these thoughts, look at what’s behind them.
Here are a few useful questions to ask:
- Why do I need my husband to be present?
- Why do I want him to acknowledge me right now?
- What does it mean about me when he is absent-minded?
As you reflect on these questions, you’ll discover how you’re making meaning out of your husband’s behavior. You’ll see that in most cases, the story boils down to wanting to feel good enough through your husband’s reassuring actions.
While we understand this desire, an exceptional relationship isn’t built on getting the feeling of ‘I’m good enough, I matter, I’m important etc.’ from your partner. They can assist you with it. But if you rely on them, you’re asking them to do the impossible.
Imagine that every single action you take is interpreted by your partner in two ways: it builds or breaks your spouse’s self-esteem. Every reaction you have will be taken as either reassuring or detrimental to their self-worth. Doesn’t that sound unreasonable and exhausting?
That’s why you can’t give that power to your spouse. You’ll only ever feel good enough when you stop believing that you aren’t. Doesn’t it make more sense now? If we were unconsciously trying to get a certain reaction from our partner, no wonder we didn’t feel connected!
Once you let go of your insecurities and feel at ease with yourself, that’s when an exceptional relationship can start to blossom.
How Does Connection Help With Meaningful Conversations?
When you feel connected to your partner, you have the prerequisites for amazing conversations. Why is that? Because you’ll be responsive to your husband.
When you’re present, you become very aware of how your spouse is doing. Rather than trying to force a topic onto them, you get to discover what both of you enjoy talking about.
We’ve written up 66 conversation starters that can help explore different topics. They’re not a fix or a replacement for disconnection. But they can be a great add-on to try out when you have run out of ideas yourself.
Please be aware that when you feel deeply connected with your spouse, you might have no desire to talk. Sometimes you just want to gaze into each other’s eyes and just enjoy being together. That’s totally ok and normal. You don’t have to talk to feel connected.
Natasha and I often have moments where we are just happy and content together. We don’t need to exchange words in order to share how we feel. Just a glance at each other already says everything.
This type of connection is invaluable. We’re able to share a peaceful and quiet stillness that’s innately perfect. We don’t feel the need to change each other. We don’t even want to change that very moment! It’s already perfect.
That’s why connection can be so effortless. The only thing that you need to do is to surrender control and allow yourself to enjoy the moment. Only then will you experience the fulfilling satisfaction that comes from being together as one.
Many couples fall into the trap of connection through ‘sameness’. You’re constantly looking for things you have in common and then sharing that interest. There isn’t anything wrong in having similarities, but connection isn’t about being the same together.
If you want to have a meaningful conversation with your partner, it’s time to acknowledge that words are only a small part of connection. The deep love and intimacy that we crave comes from an union that sometimes words can’t even describe.
If connecting more deeply with your spouse is what you’re after then ask yourself: why do you want a meaningful conversation? Take a few minutes to reflect on the questions we’ve given up. It can shift your whole relationship to a better direction.
Take action today to rekindle your connection and love. Enjoy being present with your spouse. Because that’s what sharing your life together is really about.
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