My brows furrowed with annoyance. ‘Why does he always do that?’
We were in the middle of a business meeting and there my husband was, mid-sentence scratching his head.
My nose wrinkled and my eagle eyes zoomed into his little fidgets.
‘Why can’t he just sit still?’ I cried out silently. ‘Doesn’t he know that it looks bad?’
I glared at my husband with irritation as he fidgeted again. This time he rubbed behind his neck.
Annoyed beyond belief, I found myself fuming. All I could focus on was all the irritating things that my husband did.
My annoyance ruined all my focus and productivity. I ended up blaming him for my irritation. Why was it so frustrating for me? How come I was getting so irritated by my husband?
When you’re constantly annoyed you might be wondering:
- Is it normal for your husband to get on your nerves?
- Why does everything my husband does annoy me?
- How do I stop being irritated with my husband?
- Why am I getting annoyed so easily?
- What do you do with an annoying husband?
We’ll be looking at those questions one at a time so that you’ll leave this page equipped to take care of the situation.
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Is It Normal That My Husband Irritates Me?
Yes and no.
Everyone will experience irritation by what their spouse does. As time goes on it can even increase. It’s totally normal. It only becomes an issue when it becomes constant and leads to fighting with each other everyday. For example, you can’t stand how they:
- Brush their teeth
Basically you’re constantly irritated by your husband and you’re feeling better when he isn’t around. Now, that’s not healthy. You don’t have to follow the ‘normal’ trend where you get more annoyed by your spouse the longer you’re together. Read on to find out how to avoid it.
- You have unmet expectations in your marriage.
- You’re hurt by something your husband did and the irritation is just a symptom.
- You’re controlling and want things to be a certain way.
- You’re not respecting your boundaries and the irritation is trying to re-establish space between you and your husband.
Either way, it’s your responsibility to uncover what’s happening within you. Why? Because your spouse isn’t the one who feels irritated, you are.
Our feelings are always here for us to work with. Instead of lashing out at your husband, projecting your discomfort onto him, learn to be with yourself and those feelings.
It’s the only way you can shift from a relationship that’s going off path to a relationship that brings you and your partner closer together. That’s the whole point of the Exceptional Relationship Formula we created.
Your current dynamic is an opportunity to reverse your mistakes and avoid it in the future. Rather than watching your relationship fall apart, you get to understand what’s going on.
Imagine waking up everyday and falling in love with your husband again.
Imagine your love and connection growing stronger and deeper than ever.
How would you relate to your husband then?
To get you there, we have to resolve you being annoyed with your husband first.
What’s actually happening? Your husband didn’t pick up his socks and you’re just about to go and clean up after him. You’ll probably feel resentment and anger in the process. Don’t pick up the socks.
You keep being irritated by your husband because you aren’t addressing what the issue really is. Remember the four potential reasons why you’re irritated with your spouse from the previous section?
You won’t find the reason if you keep up the same behavioral pattern. This means that you stop:
- Cleaning up after your husband
- Criticizing him about his behavior
- Trying to avoid your feelings
The issue isn’t your spouse, the issue is the ways you relate to your feelings.– Jachym Jerie
When you stop criticizing him and taking care of everything, the trigger of your irritation is right in your face. You can’t avoid it anymore.
By lashing out at your husband and fighting with him, you’re venting and relieving your emotions in the short-term. But it doesn’t allow you to find out what’s really happening within you. In other words, as long as you keep the same patterns running and don’t implement our suggestions, you will be stuck feeling irritated and at odds with your spouse.
Who likes to feel irritated, angry, resentful or hurt? No one! These emotions are what we tend to avoid. We do everything in our power to get rid of them, like:
- Escaping into work
- Watching TV
- Food or alcohol
- Avoiding our spouse
- Criticism to vent our feelings (and then apologizing)
When you stop any coping behavior, you’re back to where you started. Why? Because you never actually addressed the problem. That’s why you keep having the same fight with your husband.
What should you do instead?
Whenever you avoid your feelings, you’re abandoning yourself. There’s a part of you that’s hurting and you’re trying your best to avoid it. What if you turned around and embraced them instead?
To run away from our emotions is to run away from life itself. Feeling emotions means that you’re simply being human.– Natasha Koo
The only way to resolve your irritation is to face it fully. Ask yourself this:
- How does it feel in my body?
- What are the sensations?
- What are the thoughts about the sensations?
- What are the thoughts about the situation?
Deeply exploring the feelings will lead you to realize what’s really going on. Isn’t understanding why you’re so irritated at one another why you’re here? That’s why we shouldn’t run away from what feels uncomfortable. This ‘flight’ and avoidance pattern is the very thing that keeps the toxic relationship dynamic in place.
To find out the true solution to resolving irritation with your partner, give yourself the time and space to dive into the questions above. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
If it gets too much, back off and come back to the reflection later. When you first started reading this article, you were only aware of your irritation. Now we’re looking at the underlying emotions plus diving deep to the thoughts and sensations involved too.
You might be screaming: Help?!
We get it. This can feel intimidating and scary to dive into emotions. I’m first to admit that certain topics just require someone else to hold the space for me. Someone who’s been there before, knows what I’m going through and can hold my hand and guide my way.
That’s why, if you feel like you need extra support for these exercises, click here to see how we can help.
What Do You Do With an Annoying Husband?
Do you realize that you are violent?
You may not feel violent because you aren’t hitting anyone. But consider this:
Your husband isn’t human anymore in your mind. He’s this annoying thing that you have to put up with. You’ve effectively reduced him to the label: ‘annoying husband who irritates me.’
Prejudice of any kind implies that you are identified with the thinking mind. It means you don’t see the other human being anymore, but only your own concept of that human being.
To reduce the aliveness of another human being to a concept is already a form of violence.
– Eckhart Tolle
That’s a dehumanization of your husband and it’s in my view the first act of violence. Violence starts way before we act. It starts by only seeing the label we put on people. We’re hypnotized by our own judgment. Once that’s happened, we then start acting on the label in subtle ways.
You start criticizing and nagging your husband. You feel justified in your way of talking to him and attempt to control his behavior. It’s your way of coping with the emotions that you feel in response to the way you perceive your husband and the situation.
But your perception is highly dependent on your thinking. So when you think of your husband as useless, lazy, annoying, your perception will be shaped by those thoughts.
How can you break free from this?
You start questioning the truth of the label ‘annoying husband.’
This process here can help.
When you see through the story the mind has made up about your husband, you fall back in love with the man you once met.
I used to disempower Jachym by seeing him less-than. I believed the thought that he was useless. Now it’s cringe-y even thinking about it. But back then, it was my reality.
So every suggestion that I made was condescending. Everything he did was met with criticism.
The worst part is that I didn’t even question my thinking. I accepted it was a fact: Jachym is useless. I would use every little mistake that he made to build my case.
Slowly my thinking and toxic behavior eroded at our marriage. I was destroying our connection with every sly remark, every wrinkle of my nose, every deep sigh of disappointment.
Back then, I thought that the problem was Jachym. I thought that he was the one who was irritating me. Clearly it’s his behavior that’s bothering me!
Little did I know that the problem was within me. I was thinking thoughts that weren’t even true. Slowly, I began to question those thoughts. I realized that I didn’t actually know Jachym as long as I believed that he was useless. I was dumb-ing him down!
If I believed that thought, I stripped away everything that Jachym actually is. I was seeing and treating him in a 1-dimensional way as long as I believed that he’s useless.
That’s why I had to inquire and question whether my thoughts were true. What did that do? It changed our relationship overnight.
Jachym turned out to be an amazing man who was so much more talented, strong and admirable than I’d thought. But he was only able to be the best husband that he can be the moment that I let my judgments go.
No one deserves to be stamped by our judgments and treated that way. No one wants to be belittled.
I made that mistake and it nearly broke our relationship. Avoid repeating my mistakes and learn what you should do instead.
Break Free From Feeling Irritated
We’ve covered a lot for you to consider and apply in your life. But maybe you’re not quite ready yet to dive as deep into your emotions as we’ve suggested. That’s why we’ve created five keys that can help you break free from the downward spiral of irritations and disconnection. Read on to find out how to stop feeling more and more annoyed at each other.
1. Change Perspectives
What are the good qualities of your husband? Maybe it’s been a while since you thought of him clearly in this light. You’ve become hypnotized by your thinking that he’s bad and annoying. Break the trance by writing down all you appreciate about him on a daily basis.
This will rekindle your love and appreciation for one another and strengthen your marriage.
2. Compliment Him
Where Attention goes Energy flows; Where Intention goes Energy flows!– James Redfield
By putting constant attention on what your husband is doing wrong, you’re reinforcing the negative cycle that you’re both stuck in. It’ll take a little time to reverse this. Start giving him compliments on what he does right. Do it daily. Find a good quality about him that you appreciate and tell him that.
In the same way that your negative attention increased the negative spiral, so can your positive attention create positive momentum.
3. Forgive Yourself And Your Husband
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.– Lewis B. Smedes
Neither you nor your husband are perfect. You both have habits that are unique to you. As time has passed, you’ve lost sight of why you love him and unconsciously slipped into violence. What happens when you forgive yourself for not seeing your husband as who he is anymore but just the label ‘annoying?’
Instead of holding things against him, what if you forgave him? How would it feel to not hold a grudge anymore?
That’s the power of forgiveness. You let the negative resistance go so that you can actually receive and give the love that you’ve always wanted. You’re capable of healing your marriage, all you have to do is let go in places that you find the hardest.
4. Notice The Irritation And Don’t Feed It
Just notice when you get irritated. When you do, stop. Don’t entertain those thoughts and feelings any further. Don’t add fuel to it by thinking about the past and what else he’s done or hasn’t done. Just notice the irritation for what it is: a passing sensation.
This will help to halt the negative spiral that eventually leads to more hurt and defensiveness in your marriage. If you want to avoid more mistakes, then practice this step in your marriage. The only way you can move forward is by learning from what hasn’t worked in the past. Take our advice to heart. You can do this and your relationship can flourish and be filled with love again.
Be Clear With Your Boundaries
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.– Brené Brown
You might think that you have to just accept everything that your husband does. That’s not the case at all. You have boundaries that you and he need to respect. Your constant irritation could be a symptom of not listening to yourself.
To remedy this, be truthful to yourself. Only then can you communicate when he overstepped your boundaries. It can be difficult to know your boundaries when you haven’t been paying attention.
Maybe your irritation is telling you that what you need is more space to find out what’s really true for you. Take your time. It’s well worth it.
- How we’re trying to cope in an unhealthy way
- The deeper emotions than irritation
- How we’ve dumbed our partner down to a source of annoyance
- How our thoughts have triggered unhelpful behavior in us.
When we’re feeling irritated towards someone else, it really isn’t a nice experience for you. That’s more reason to deal with this pattern, not just for your marriage, but for you!
You see, a relationship is a unit of the two of you. The happier you are yourself, the healthier and stronger your marriage will be. So what can you do today to make the biggest difference? Write down the five steps to dissolving irritation from above. Choose one day a week to practice each key step. You’ll notice a major change in your dynamic.
Things can easily be turned around and made a million times better than you could ever have expected. It all starts with you and the action that you take today.
Will you slip down the same irritation spiral or will you take one step closer to a strong and fulfilling marriage?
The choice is yours.
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