[EP22] Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Appreciate You

Transcript

Natasha: Welcome back to the twenty second episode of the Awakened Wife podcast, I’m Natasha Koo…

Jachym: And I’m Jachym Jerie and we are from YourExceptionalRelationship.com

Natasha: Today we’re going to cover the four signs that you are not appreciated in your relationship. Now everyone wants to feel appreciated, that’s for sure. And sometimes you might feel like, ok, my partner doesn’t appreciate me, maybe he doesn’t appreciate what I do. I feel like I should have more appreciation or you might be in the camp of, wow, I feel like I’m taken for granted. So there’s a huge sliding scale as to what you feel like. You should be feeling like the worthiness of you in his eyes and in this relationship. So we’re going to uncover more of that today. 

Jachym: And we’ll also uncover more on the following episodes on what to do with it. So we’ll have a whole little series around appreciation. And today we’ll just look at the science here. 

Natasha: Yeah, and Jachym and I are no strangers to this topic. Like from both sides. We both have felt like there were moments in our relationship where we’re just not appreciated by the other person. And it’s something that we’ve been able to resolve actually. Like right now, we feel appreciated by one another quite a bit, quite often. And I’d say there’s a lot of gratitude in our relationship. And also, um, we don’t feel like we’re taken for granted at all. I think that there’s actually a very strong mutual feeling of just recognizing the other person and appreciating the other person. So even though we did struggle with it in the past, know that, you know, you can work through this. Now, before we dive into the four signs that you’re not appreciated in your relationship, let’s kind of talk about what it really means, if you’re like a wife, unappreciated wife, or if you’re not appreciated by your spouse in your relationship. What does it mean to not feel appreciated? 

Jachym: Well, I think the question is, is somewhat, somewhat biased because you’re looking at, OK, what’s it mean to not be appreciated or to feel appreciated? Well, yeah, it’s a subjective feeling, right? That, that is what it comes down to is that you don’t feel like the other person cares. And it’s not just that you don’t, it’s not just a feeling. There’s a story to it, right, that your mind has a certain way of thinking about it. Well, I did the dishes, you didn’t say thank you, therefore, you don’t appreciate me. I’ve cleaned the house and you don’t say thank you, therefore you don’t appreciate me. So it is a very subjective view on what appreciation means, how appreciation should be expressed and at what moments it should be expressed. I mean, I know that, you know, somehow our in-laws, they really appreciate when you say thank you, when you say oh, it was really delicious, the lunch or dinner or whatever they cooked, and that’s really important to them, while for some other people, that’s not important. So, if we are walking into territory that’s not as clear cut, it’s fairly subjective to what someone will see as appreciation.

Natasha:  So this really touches on communication styles and also emotional needs and also expectations. So it’s a mishmash of a bunch of things. And a lot of the times we’re wanting to feel more appreciated. But it’s actually, um, it’s a feeling so it’s not just some recipe that’s going to work for every single couple. You actually kind of have to find your way around this now because, you know, you express yourself differently. Um, the types of things that you’re not feeling appreciated for are different depending on different couples so it really depends on your specific situation. 

But at the end of the day, I think when, when someone doesn’t feel appreciated, it’s as if they don’t feel valued and they don’t feel seen in a way. And I think that if someone doesn’t feel worthy or if someone doesn’t feel like they are truly recognized, um, and seen, then it can turn into a sort of hurt. And so, if this is left undressed, undressed, I mean, this issue (Jachym: Unaddressed), yes, if this issue persists, it could turn into some kind of resentment or bitterness towards your partner. And I know that, um, in certain, uh, relationships, uh, this can be an ongoing theme of conflict where someone feels like, well, you, you will never appreciate me or you’ve never appreciated me. And like you say, it turns into a much bigger thing. And there’s a huge story behind it as to also what it means. 

And, and when we were preparing for this episode today, we realized that quite a few people actually don’t just feel unappreciated. They actually feel like they are taken for granted. So they feel like their husbands’ taking them for granted or they’re taken for granted within their marriage. And I think that the difference between the two, where appreciation or feeling unappreciated is where you feel unseen and unworthy, taken for granted, go kind of further in that transactional, um, transactional engagement. Like you said, like I did this for you. You should acknowledge it, take it for granted. 

It’s almost like I’m, I’m expected even to do my part of the transaction and then I’m getting nothing in return. So this is a bit stronger. But there could be a feeling of like being used that there’s this expectation that you have to give and give and give. Not only are you unseen, not only do you feel unworthy because you’re not getting that recognition, um, but there’s that feeling like you have to perform, you have to keep giving. Yet, you’re just kind of feeling so sucking yourself dry. There’s not much left in you and you don’t know what you’re even doing it for, you know. So it’s almost like this equation where it’s completely out of whack and you feel quite depleted when you’re taken for granted.

Jachym: Yeah, I think take, being taken for granted, the important part is that you have to keep performing, that there’s an expectation now that you will provide or do something on a consistent basis and that the person is not going to see you anymore as this unique, fresh human being that you really are and that they see you as this box of things that’s going to provide X, Y, Z. That’s not very nice. So it’s actually almost a form of violence because they have reduced you into a tool that’s supposed to deliver something. And I think a lot of the acknowledgment, appreciation can already happen just by coming back to seeing the human in you. 

Natasha: Hmm, and I have to say that this topic, it does relate quite a bit to setting boundaries and what you personally consent yourself to do within your relationship. Because from what we’ve seen with the woman who you work with, a lot of them find themselves in situations where they are performing, where they are managing the household, where they are doing it all, and they don’t feel seen, they don’t feel appreciated, they don’t feel recognized. And at some point, it really pushes them to the point where they do feel like they’re taken for granted or they’ve now… we covered this whole episode about what if my husband treats me like his maid or his house cleaner or his mom, you know, like what if I turned into that for my partner? And that’s not necessarily what I signed up for when we got married, you know. 

So sometimes it can be the slippery slope of saying yes to things that over and over again that you might not actually want to do in the first place but you’re afraid to speak up. You don’t know what you want. You know, you had this disconnect within yourself. And before you know it, you know, it kind of crossed your own boundaries. And, and you find yourself in this place where you’re just doing everything because you feel like you should and you have to. And it’s not necessarily that, that equation where your partner’s making you or asking you or telling you to do something, you know, you have those expectations for yourself. And then, when there’s no feedback from the other person, you feel unappreciated. 

Jachym: Yeah, absolutely. So shall we dive into the science? 

Natasha: Yeah. So first, I want to say that this is quite a common thing that women struggle with, both the boundaries not being set, overdoing, overcommitting, having such high expectations for ourselves. And then when we don’t feel good because we don’t get the feedback from our partner, we turn to resentment. We feel unappreciated. We feel taken for granted. It’s almost like this cycle. And when we don’t feel like those things, we feel defeated. But then, on some sick level, we want to do it all over again to try to get the appreciation. So it’s a, is a loop. It’s a loop. (Jachym: Never ending.) Yeah, it’s a loop of trying to get that appreciation and that love, the approval, that recognition. And, um, I want to say that we really help women with this, when they join this program, um, our coaching program, the Cherished Wife program, because it’s such a cycle, it’s such a cycle. And it sounds like we’re doing it to ourselves, but like really, we’re just repeating a pattern probably of our moms, of our grandmothers, of our great grandmothers who literally felt like they had no choice but to upkeep those things. And they, they had no choice, and that was their duty and appreciated or not, they had to do that. So to rewrite that story, um, there’s a way to go about doing that. And there’s a lot of healing involved. And that’s, that’s also what we teach. 

Jachym: Yeah. I mean, there’s a, there’s a great deal of healing between the genders, but also ancestral healing that is necessary. And women, well, people in general carry it in their body. So, yeah, it goes very deep. And then I think will probably circle back to some of those points in later episodes about appreciation and, and what to do about it. So because it’s a very deep topic, we went quite, quite quickly. 

Natasha: Yeah. So if you feel like you really resonated with what I said and I feel like as a woman, the majority of us really do struggle with this still, even in this modern day. Like we’re very powerful people, we have our own job, we make, we make our own money, we have our places in society. But yet we still somehow fall into this trap, you know? So, if you identified with anything I said and you do want the help to get out of this cycle of overworking, of trying to get that recognition, once you’ve done everything and you’re so tired and then you do it again and you’re disappointed by your spouse again and you’re stuck in that cycle, then you can stop. And I really highly recommend that you reach out to us so that you can end the cycle and you can find more resources at the show notes, which is Your exceptional relationship dot com forward slash twenty two. So two-two the numbers and yeah, you can find us there. 

Jachym: Right. All right. So let’s get started. What are the signs if you are in this position and you feel not appreciated. It, uh, you may doubt, well maybe it’s just a pattern inside of me, maybe I’m crazy. So what are some of the signs that do indicate that he doesn’t appreciate you? Now, we do want to say that just because you have the signs doesn’t mean then you can be like, yeah, I’m right. Let me go blame him now. You see, you should be appreciating me more. Now, that’s not really, um, why we’re doing it for. It’s more that to put you at ease, that there are signs that, um, someone doesn’t appreciate you. He may not even be aware of that. That’s what’s happened because of the dynamic that Natasha has laid out as well. 

So it’s not one dimensional. It’s not like while he’s the bad guy who should be appreciating you, there’s stuff happening inside of you. There’s stuff happening inside of him. There’s stuff happened between of you. And you just want to identify what’s going on. Uh, so don’t take it as a, as a weapon, what we’re sharing today, ok? So the very first sign that he’s not appreciating you is that he’s only really communicating to you when he wants something from you. So let’s say, he comes home, he watches TV and reads newspapers on his computer. He doesn’t really interact too much with you unless he wants something from you, in which case he changes the tone or he starts communicating with you, starts sweet talking to you and you start being like, why is he so nice? And why is he, like, talking to me to, you know, like that? Well, of course, you know it, because he’s going to make a request. He’s going to ask you to do something for him. And that’s the only reason why he’s actually showing up in this way. So that is one fairly clear sign that there’s not really any appreciation coming from him. 

Natasha: Hmm. And, uh, the second one is that he rarely ever thanks you or shows gratitude, right? 

Jachym: Yeah, so I mean, appreciation, I do think it’s also cultural to a degree. I mean, I know my brother-in-law said people in China, for example, they don’t really say thank you when someone takes them out for a meal or when someone cooks, that’s kind of like just expected, which for me as a Westerner is like, what are you talking about? Are you crazy? Like, someone takes me out for a meal. Of course I’m going to say, say thank you. That’s just so much my expectation. 

Natasha: And when we were in India, actually, um, we attended our friend’s wedding and his dad was so tired of us thanking him because we were staying at their place and, uh, he was teaching us lots of stuff, showing us around. And we kept thanking him. He was so sick of it. He told us to stop, stop thanking him. 

Jachym: Right. That the dad of a friend, right? Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. So there can, there can be cultural things. So you do have to be aware of that, because just because he’s not saying thank you doesn’t mean that there’s no appreciation. But, if he’s coming from a background, cultural background where thank you is expected, then it can be a sign that he’s not appreciating you. But, then you also still have to take into account his family. What kind of family background is he coming from and is he coming from a family where thank you or gratitude was was written big or not. So, I mean, thank you is a small thing, but it really can do a lot for someone and hey, I’m not doing it for you can be a sign that he has fallen to you. I’m taking you for granted. And I just expect you to deliver your wifely duties, whatever they are. 

Natasha: Yeah. And I think that is something important to note, the fact that so many couples fall into this rut where in one way or another, they do take each other, both, each other for granted, their presence, what they do for each other, even who they are as people, you know. And, and that’s quite sad because that person you fell in love with, he’s still there, like those qualities that you so appreciate about him, it’s most likely still there. But you don’t quite see it in one another anymore, you know, and the relationship loses its spark over time or you feel like, you know, the relationship has become so, um, routine, and so many couples fall into this rut and they lose that passion. They lose their attraction. They lose that energy that makes the interaction so fruitful, you know, and, and that, that is like a… It’s, it happens to the majority of couples, that they lose that, I guess, perspective of who is actually in front of them, and they come home to the same person, yet it’s like they lose grasp of who’s actually there and what they can actually have. 

Jachym: Absolutely. Which brings us to the next point, which is he stops making you a priority. I mean, when someone really means something to you and is important to you, you’re going to express that in some way, whether that is through gifts, whether it is through planning special dates, whether it is through being really present when they’re talking or through saying thank you or showing you other ways that they are important to you. And I do believe that, you know, this appreciation thing is, part of it is the feeling that you’re special like or that you matter, which we mentioned at the beginning. And one way of showing that you matter and that the person is grateful, that he’s grateful for what you’re doing is through those gestures of love. 

Natasha: Mm hmm. And I think that. It’s so important to realize that you don’t have to go down this route, you know, where you do take each other for granted and where things become so stale and it’s the same old, same old, and you just perform like, I don’t know, whatever household stuff you do. And then you expect him to do his part, and then before you know it, you’re just like managing life together, and it’s no longer a partnership. You know, like you say, like you said, you want to feel special. You want to feel like actually, there’s someone here and we share something special and we’re still special to one another. And, when you probably met when you fell in love, you had that, right, so so what keeps that alive and what makes you every day still recognize the wonderful things that he does for you and for him to see, and not just see and not just to say thank you, but to truly feel how wonderful it is for you to, to be in each other’s lives. Not in this equation: I scratch your back, you scratch mine, now where you’re fine type of way, but something greater than that, something that actually brings you joy, versus like, oh, if only, like, my cup was a bit fuller, you know. 

And, and this is super crucial for us, um, because we know that each relationship has that potential, has that potential to really fill your belly and your heart and for it to feel so good. And, and because this whole episode, this feeling of not feeling appreciated, taken for granted, it’s so depleted. You know, it sounds like someone who’s been doing it for so, so, so long and, and something’s missing for so long. And it, like you said, there’s this dynamic that’s there. Now where is is this exchange? Where is this monkey –  I scratch your back, you scratch mine? But where is the love in that? Where’s that special connection? Like, where do you feel special in that? And how is he still that special person for you if you’re not able to recognize that that special thing within each other and in those small moments throughout the day, you know? And so, um, yeah, this is something that we, we walk our clients through because it is really hard to turn your relationship around when you feel unappreciated and you feel like you’re taken for granted. And it’s just one specific thing, it’s like a symptom of the fact that that connection probably is lost, that spark is lost, and you no longer feel special to one another, not just when you do things and you feel unappreciated. I mean, like in general, in general, the whole basis of the relationship, like, what has it become?

Jachym: Yeah, I think, you know, part of this rut comes really from habitual thing, like habitual ways of seeing your partner and yourself. So you get lost again in a thought construct and you don’t identify it as a thought construct. You think it’s reality, and this is how it is and this is how your partner is. And so, both people can be lost in this and then it becomes this rut. But, the good news is this because it’s a thought construct, you can see beyond it and you can tap again into this aliveness and freshness that can come in or that is present in every moment when you are not lost in your own ignorance about thinking, you know, your partner, you know yourself, you know, life and everything is just old, boring, same stuff. Well, that’s just a bunch of thoughts that are going crazy in your head and we don’t identify them. So, there’s there’s hope and there’s good news that you can turn those things around. But it takes a commitment, takes a commitment and a willingness to grow and to see beyond what you think you know, because you cannot really expect to for things to change when you’re staying in the known. You got to able to have the willingness to go into the unknown and see what you don’t know about your partner and what you don’t know about your relationship, and that is what can break the relationship free from this rut. 

Natasha: Hmm. And another way, if you want something a lot more tangible, is to head to our show notes where you can get the Irresistible Wife Blueprint, because there are three pillars that can keep your marriage strong, keep the spark alive and just keep him really engaged with you and keep remembering just how special you are and why he loves you in the first place. So if you feel like, you know that’s what you need, then head to the show notes, which is Your Exceptional Relationship dot com forward slash 22. The numbers, two, two. And also, for number three, the sign number three, um, making him treat you like a priority. Mm hmm. Yeah. Um, we have a whole episode. We covered this actually within our podcast, it’s episode 13. Um, uh, well, the the sign number three is that he’s not treating you as a priority. But we have a whole episode that explains how you can make him to treat you as a priority again, to prioritize you, to put you first, um, to make you feel special. So that’s Episode 13 of our Awakened Wife podcast, if you want to listen to that afterwards and see how you can kind of integrate our tips there. All right. So now next point is sign number four, which is he doesn’t check in to see how you’re doing. So it sounds like it’s all about him. 

Jachym: Yeah, exactly. It’s all about him. It’s, uh, there can be a certain self centeredness. And I think we all have a certain self centeredness, uh, in ourselves, which is I think it’s been quite necessary to survive as a, as an organism. You need to have a certain self centeredness. You need to feed yourself and to feed the body. You need to take care of yourself. But in a relationship, the self centeredness really can backfire. And so, if it’s all about him and if he doesn’t check in how you’re doing it again, you are back into this place where there is this taking for granted. And when you are back into this rut, which we have now described in much more detail, because he thinks he knows you. Right. And that whatever’s going on, it’s already clear or he has made up his mind about what it means and he’s not really willing to to listen. 

That is a sign that this freshness, if you look at appreciation more, is a feeling of freshness and appreciation of being together in a relationship like, that’s much more fundamental than just being appreciated if we’re doing a certain task. But actually the appreciation that he’s happy to be with you and that he’s grateful to be with you, that shows itself in a gesture like checking in – How are you doing today? Not like, oh yeah, how are you? And expecting the same answer that you’ve given him 10,000 times by now. No, we’re talking about a check in where he actually sits down and listens to you and says, how are you doing today? And you can feel that he actually means it. That is a way of showing appreciation for your, for the relationship because he’s concerned about your well-being, because he recognizes that you’re a team and that your well-being matters. 

Natasha: And that there’s genuine care and interest. Uh, I think for us, we really hone in on this, this specific point within our Cherished Wife Program when we go into the Unleash Your Inner Goddess pillar. It’s all about like, get tapping into those parts of yourself, where you are so soft and feminine and genuine and vulnerable that it pulls him in. You know, your husband wants to be there for you, he’ll he’ll see you and he’ll recognize that there is that place for him to step up and to show you his appreciation and to reassure you and to be there for you. And a lot of us, like I said at the beginning of this episode, we’re so stuck in this action taking, trying to get it all done mode, that we have forgotten or we’ve completely disconnected from this feminine part of ourselves, which is the very thing that keeps that spark alive, that draws him towards you naturally without you needing to ask him to thank you, or needing to, you know, ask him to recognize what you’re doing and to see you. 

Jachym: It’s not just that you can be disconnected, it’s that you can be connected. But at the same time, you’re busy guarding it. And how can something flow when you’re trying to guard it? I mean, guarding is is closing. So how is it going to flow out? It’s not, because you cut it off because you’re busy trying to keep it. But often what you’re trying to guard is a tender spot. This is something that’s hurt and you can’t guard that. You need to bring that to the light so that it can heal. And then, when you come in coming to the relationship from this place of, you know, what we might say is unleashing your goddess and you actually step into the relationship from a place of power. But it’s not a place of power that is masculine, which is which can be more like directive and pushing and all of that. But this power that’s inspiring and that draws the masculine in. I can tell you that is so underrated and not lived in our society at all. 

Natasha: And that’s why we have to teach it. Yeah. And so those are the four signs that your partner doesn’t appreciate you in your relationship. Now, there are a few more that we have identified which we don’t have time to cover today on this episode. But we will share a blog post, which we have written all about this. So, there’s a lot more detail to it. You can actually look at things that we probably didn’t even mention today, but is in that article. Just head over to the show notes to get access to that blog. Yeah. So as usual, is the number of the episode, 

Jachym: 22, two two.

Natasha:  Your exceptional relationship dot com forward slash two two. 

Jachym: Awesome. It was great having you. And we’ll be talking more about appreciation on the next episode. So we were much looking forward to it so that you can do something about it and not just identify it. 

Natasha: Yeah. And next time we’re going to be actually uncovering why. Right. We touched on the dynamic already that we can find ourselves in this rut, um, but why is the husband not motivated to appreciate or to recognize you? That is something I think that would be really useful for, for you to, you know, understand if you find yourself in this position. ‘Cause it’s not just about the dynamic. It’s also what he’s going through. So, yeah, stay tuned, and join us then. 

Jachym: Take care.