Conversation starters for couples can be a lifesaver when you don’t know what to talk about with your spouse anymore.
Do you remember when you first met? You were both so in love and every conversation flowed effortlessly. There wasn’t ever enough time to connect over words. But as time passed, your conversations fell into a predictable routine:
‘How’s your day been? What did you eat for lunch? Did anything new happen at work?’
Or maybe it gets a bit more exciting:
‘What do you want for dinner? Do you want to watch Robo Cop X or Terminator VII?’
It doesn’t sound appealing does it? To avoid this conversation rut, we’ve written 66 conversation starters for married couples. Before we dive in, let’s find out how you can spice up your relationship effortlessly.
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How to Come Up With Conversation Starters
It’s good to have some inspiration on how to start a conversation with your spouse. But wouldn’t it be great if you could come up with them yourself?
Imagine never having a boring date night again.
Imagine when you look forward to the weekday evenings together.
Imagine having such fun conversations that you feel even closer together.
Just because you’re in a long-term relationship, it doesn’t mean that it has to feel like groundhog day all the time.
Here’s how you can have endless conversation ideas.
The biggest trap in a relationship is the belief that you know your partner.– Jachym Jerie
Your partner isn’t their habits. I know Natasha’s likes and dislikes. I also know what habits she has and how she structures her day. I know her humor, strengths, and weaknesses. I know her past and her dreams. So I might come to the conclusion that I know her.
I don’t know Natasha. To say that I know her means that she’s only the labels I’ve made up about her. So rather than saying that I know my partner, change your perspective and ask:
- What do I not know about my partner?
- How can I get to know my partner in a new way?
Do you see how that changes the way you think about your spouse? You go from being closed to open and curious. All it takes is a simple shift in perspective. And it can rekindle your passion and love for one another.
Here’s how this applies to standard questions.
Old: ‘How was your day?’
New: ‘What’s the funniest thing you experienced today?’
Old: ‘What did you eat for lunch?’
New: ‘What deep philosophical question did you contemplate today, while you were eating your sandwich?’
Old: ‘What did you do at work today?’
New: ‘What was your favorite moment that you experienced with a co-worker today?’
You ask the same question, you get the same answer. Want a different answer? Ask a different question.– Jachym Jerie
Do you see how each question brings in a new perspective? You know the answer to ‘How was your day?’ you’ve asked the question a 1000000 times. But do you know what could have amused your partner today? Probably not.
Even if your spouse doesn’t have an answer off the bat, it doesn’t mean that the conversation has ended. Quite the contrary! You’ve now brought up a topic that neither of you really talked about. Now you can exchange and understand each other even better.
Adulting is booooooring!
Everyone’s always so serious. Meet the deadline! Don’t waste time, do it more efficiently! Get to the point, I’m busy!
That’s how most people experience work and it’s the same thing day in and day out. When you get home from work, leave that kind of attitude at the office. If you bring seriousness into the relationship, it’ll go stale quicker than a piece of bread. When you lighten up and become playful, you can discover new sides to your partner.
Because you both are exploring. You’re playing and having fun. That’s when new ideas and ways of relating to each other come naturally.
Pretend that you’re a child and all you want to do is have fun. But because you’re a child, you have restrictions. You can’t go watch TV because the adults said no. Here’s what you have:
- A pillow
- A blanket
- A piece of paper
- A pen
- A shoe
Your friend (that’s your spouse) is coming over to play with you. What game will you play?
Think you can’t do it? Think again…
- I’m not creative. You just think you aren’t which is why you have nothing to talk about with your partner. Switch off your inner critic and have fun. Be a comical TV newscaster for 10 minutes and see what happens when you interview your partner for a ridiculous job.
- My partner won’t like it. Yes, and? Do it anyways and see if they join in as you’re having fun by yourself.
- I’m too old. No, you’ve closed off to having new experiences and you see that stagnation in your relationship. It has nothing to do with age.
How will this help with conversation starters?
Playing games like this loosens you up. You get to see the world from a fresh new perspective. That’s where new questions are discovered. If you want to stay the same and just have a few new questions to ask, you’ll run out of these as well and you’ll be back to feeling bored.
Just have a go at it and see what comes up. Have fun!
Learn to Really Listen
Ever read a book twice?
If you did, you might have had this experience:
First read: Good book.
Second read: wholly smokes, is this the same book I read two years ago? It’s life changing!
Or: They must have added this part here, it’s too good.
How come you can have those different experiences? Because you don’t take in all the information at once. It’s the same when it comes to your spouse.
They might have shared things in the past but you can still hear something new. You’ll most likely understand it differently now, both because you grow and change everyday and so does your partner. Because your partner isn’t a book, they’ll share it differently each time.
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.– Stephen R. Covey
You can learn more about listening and how to make your partner feel heard here. When you really listen, not just with your ears but your whole body, you get to experience your partner fresh again. That’s how you can find your own conversation starters. It reignites the curiosity you once had with your spouse.
Now that you know how to create more fun and joyful conversations yourself. Here is some inspiration with the 66 conversation starters:
66 Conversation Starters For Married Couples
- If you could travel to any time period of human history, which one would you choose?
- If you could be anyone in this world for one day, who would you be and why?
- Which body part do you like most about yourself?
- If you could relive today, what would you change?
- What’s the most heartfelt present you’ve ever gotten in your life?
- How do you show your love to people?
- What was your favorite movie while growing up?
- What time period in your life would you like to relive?
- If I’d turn you into an animal, which one would suit your personality the most?
- What do you appreciate about your/our culture the most?
- If you’d be elected president of the world, what changes would you implement?
- If you could change one thing about me with a snap of a finger, what would it be?
- What do you like about being a man/woman?
- What do you value most in life?
- What do you value about your friends?
- What do you value about yourself?
- If you could reinvent the human race, what would you do differently?
- What’s the funniest memory you have from your childhood?
- What’s your biggest strength?
- What’s your biggest weakness?
- How has your perspective changed about our relationship over the years?
- Why did you choose to stay with me all those years?
- If you could travel back in time and relive a shared moment with me, which moment would you choose?
- What do you consider to be beautiful?
- If you could change how your parents have raised you, what would you change?
- You have a choice: Someone offers you $ 100’000’000 but you’d immediately age 20 years OR you get to go back 15 years and take the knowledge you have now with you and live your life again… Which one do you choose and why?
- What does happiness mean to you?
- If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with your life?
- If you could change one trait about yourself, what would it be?
- What makes life enjoyable for you?
- What makes you feel alive and full of inspiration?
- Who has inspired you in the past?
- If I could fulfill one wish for you immediately, what would it be?
- What are the things you want to experience before you die?
- What were your childhood dreams?
- What’s your favorite thing I do for you?
- If you could have all your wishes fulfilled in an instant, would you want that? Why yes, why not?
- What’s marriage really about for you? (Yes, you can ask this even if you’ve been married for years.)
- What does it mean to you to be a husband/wife?
- Why did you choose the career you have?
- What are your biggest fears?
- What are your biggest regrets in life?
- How does a good life look to you?
- How do you feel in your body when you feel loved?
- Would you rather be poor and happy or rich and miserable?
- What food represents your personality the most?
- If you’d go crazy and throw overboard any thought about safety, what would you do?
- What can we do to improve our relationship?
- What would be a perfect day for you?
- What did you like the most when we first started dating?
- How was it for you to lose your virginity?
- If you’d be free of any insecurities, overthinking, or anything else that could be holding you back, what would you do with your life?
- What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve experienced in your life?
- Who do you admire?
- How was your first kiss?
- What do you think we will be like when we’re 80?
- What family traditions did you like?
- How long do you want to live for?
- If you could freeze your age at any point in your life, which age would you choose? You wouldn’t age physically anymore from then on, but you’ll still mature mentally.
- What motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
- Do you believe that there’s life after death?
- What was the most thrilling experience in your life?
- Do you like to be in charge or do you prefer that someone else is and why?
- Do you daydream at work sometimes?
- What gestures make you feel appreciated?
- What do I do that doesn’t make you feel appreciated?
These are the 66 conversation starters for married couples. Let’s cover what you need to be aware of when you use them.
Conversation Starters For Married Couples Tips
You want to become as self-sufficient as possible with these kinds of questions. But it’s good to have a list like the one above to get you started. So how do you implement these conversation starters into your marriage?
Conversation Starters Tip 1: Be Present
Here’s are a few ways to get distracted from the present moment:
- Checking your phone
- Thinking what to say next
- Thinking about work
- Looking around the room
These are things that are taking your attention away from your partner. If you have habits like these, break them. It’ll do more for your relationship than having the conversation starters we’ve given you.
Conversation Starters Tip 2: Enjoy Silence
The quieter you become the more you are able to hear.– Rumi
When we’re uncomfortable with silence, we desperately try to fill it. What we don’t realize is that all ideas arise out of stillness. Without silence, you won’t be able to hear the music. Here’s what not to do:
- Think about other things
- Wish your partner would start to speak
All of these thoughts are taking you away from truly being silent with your partner. Instead of looking for words from your partner, you start listening to their silence.
Verbal communication isn’t the only way to connect. Savor the silence. Use it as a precious time to stare into your spouse’s eyes. Take the moment to caress their hand. Connection is way easier than you think. Open up to your partner in more ways than words.
When you get really comfortable with being still together (without distracting yourself), conversations naturally emerge when they’re called for. Being still together can add a new layer of depth to your relationship. This enables you to enjoy each other’s company, no matter how much chatter there is.
Conversation Starters Tip 3: Continue Exploring
You asked a question like:
“Do you daydream at work sometimes?”
That’s a very short answer. What do you do about it? You follow up with another question that’s open ended:
“Yeah me too. What happens in your daydreams?”
This question is much more open ended and less likely to get a short answer. Most people would follow up with ‘What do you daydream about?’ there’s nothing wrong with doing that. But be aware that this could be answered again quite briefly. Why? Because it can be summarized to: Vacation.
‘What happens in your daydream’ is asking for a series of actions. That’s why the answer will be richer.
Here’s something that helps with exploring further:
Q: “What’s your favorite moment of today?”
A: “When I went to Starbucks and the lady smiled at me.”
You have so many options with this answer:
1. Ask about the lady.
What did you like about the lady? (if you have issues in your relationship with jealousy and this question could be taken the wrong way, don’t ask it)
2. Ask about Starbucks
What do you like about Starbucks?
3. Ask about the smile.
Did she have crooked teeth? (this is meant to be playful)
4. Ask about the event.
What did you like about this encounter? How did it make you feel?
Whenever someone gives you an answer, they’re giving you snippets of information. It’s up to you to decide which snippet you’d like to know more about.
Remember when we discussed the basics of the conversation starters at the beginning of this article? We mentioned ‘curiosity’ which you need if you want the conversation to continue.
Enjoy this exchange. You’re reliving your partner’s day as you understand their world and how they see things. Appreciate the differences and show your appreciation when you learn something new.
Conversation Starters Tip 4: Be Responsive
In order to be effective, be responsive. In order to be responsive, listen.– Sharon Wei
Having a connected conversation with your spouse is a two-way street. This means that you need to gadge how your spouse is doing.
- Are they lost in thought because of some work trouble?
- Are they feeling down?
- Are they relaxed and enjoying the conversation?
- Are they withdrawn?
Does this mean that you can’t talk to them? No. But you’ll adjust your energy.
Rather than bombarding them with questions, you might take it a bit slower. You’re being responsive to the energy they’re bringing to the conversation. When you’re aware like that, you’ll have a much more satisfying experience with your spouse.
The 66 conversation starters are a great conversation starter. But want to know the secret to keep the conversation flowing? Have a clear intention: What is that you want to create with your spouse? More fun, connection, intimacy or love?
Depending on what it is that you’re going for, that should be the direction that you take your conversations and interactions. You are capable of creating an exceptional relationship. All you have to do is open up to new experiences. Don’t worry about making mistakes or looking stupid as you initiate these conversations.
It’s all about what you and your spouse experience together. Have a great laugh and learn together. What matters most is your commitment to your relationship. Want to turn things around? Then pick one conversation starter and one tip to apply today.
Don’t wait for change to come.
Create the future that you want today.
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