What Episode 6 Is About:
Tired of keeping up with a husband who just won’t listen?
Are you sick of repeating yourself and not getting through to him?
On this special man-cave episode, get an honest man’s perspective so you can stop the mind games. You can finally get yourself heard, listen in to find out how.
Stop trying to guess what makes a guy ‘tune out’ and learn what influences your man instead.
- What are the reasons why husbands refuse to listen to their wives
- What is the right course of action to get him to tune in to what you’re saying
- How to speak the language that husbands like and understand
Welcome to another episode of The Awakened Wife. Today, it is just me by myself, and we will dive into ‘Why do husbands not listen to their wives?’ What’s really going on? What’s going on his head? So stay tuned to find out all the different reasons. Some of those reasons are coming from my personal experience with my own wife, which is why she’s not here, just joking. The other reasons are coming from my experience with working with clients and, you know, understanding human psychology fairly in-depth. All right. Let’s get started.
Why is he not listening to you?
Number one, why he’s not listening to you is because he hasn’t made up his own mind. Right. It is actually a common topic between Natasha and I.
I’ve made up my mind. I know what to do. Why do I need to listen to her? I have my plan. I’m going to go, and I’m going to do it. Very simple. Why are you coming and telling me what to do? The funny thing is it works the other way as well. She has made up her mind, and I want to tell her what to do. She’s not going to listen. So when someone has made up their mind like myself, I’ve made up my mind. I’m good to go. I probably have put some thought into it, and I know it’s going to work, or at least I’m convinced it’s going to work while the other person like yourself or someone else might think it’s not going to work. And that’s why you’re objecting to it. Right?
But actually, when you are in this space of I’m going to go for it, you have crossed the action threshold, meaning you’re not in the consideration mode anymore. You’re not sitting back thinking, ‘Well, is this a good idea, or should I do this? What are the pros? What are the cons?’ You know, considering those things, you actually ready to go and take action. So one thing with this is, is that your timing is off. Basically, you’re trying to influence your husband in the moment where he has already made up his mind, and he’s going for it. And you speaking up is actually a nuisance to him or takes away his energy and his focus because he’s like, let’s go. Right, let’s go for it. He’s already his energies there, and he’s ready to hit it. And then you come and say, ‘Yeah, well, you know, we shouldn’t do this. You should do it differently.’
That’s a nuisance to him. And it distracts him from his goal orientation. And men do tend to have a very goal-oriented mind and a go-getter mind when they are about to go out and do something. Now, by the way, this is not just a men manly trait. It is a trait of the masculine energy. So any woman and we both always have masculine-feminine energy inside of us. So anyone who is stepping to their masculine side is going to be more like focused and let’s go and do it and less about, you know, ‘Let’s listen to each other’s opinion and let’s respect each other.’ Whatever it’s like, that has its time and place, but not one. I’m about to go and do shit. Don’t come to me and tell me, oh, no, don’t do this. It’s not going to work. It really isn’t going to work.
So that is number one. Number two, why do husbands not listen to their wives is because he has listened to you in the past, and it didn’t work out. So you may have had the experience of telling him what to do. He gave a consideration. He did it, and it didn’t work out. Now, if this happens once, it’s fine. If it happens several times, it’s not going to listen to you simply because he’s not putting the trust in what you’re saying. Now, if he’s a wise man, he’s not going to put trust in certain topics which you are not informed about, and in which case he really shouldn’t listen to you. But he’s if he’s not as wise, he might just think a lot of things you’re saying isn’t right. That’s another reason. This is not a pretty reason. I mean, who wants to be told that he’s not listening to you because you said the wrong things in the past, and he can put you on hold of thinking, ‘Well, maybe I should say something because I could be wrong.’
That’s actually not what I’m trying to say at all. It’s just that some people like to voice opinions all the time about what someone should or shouldn’t do. And sometimes that’s really out of place because you don’t know what’s really the right course of action.
And so it is wise to consider, ‘Am I actually knowledgeable about this? Is my opinion really valid’ or do I need to say, you know, ‘This is what I feel, but I don’t really know because I haven’t done it’ because everyone has an opinion. People can tell you how to raise a kid without having had a kid themselves. People can tell you about how to build a business without having built a business themselves. They have not been in the trenches. Now, that doesn’t mean that their opinion is invalid. Their opinion is, you know, it can be valuable input, but I’m very hesitant to listen to someone who hasn’t done it themselves. So if you are in the space where giving advice out to your husband, what he should do and he shouldn’t do, he might simply be in the place of that he doesn’t think that your advice is well-founded. That’s why he was not listening; that’s reason number two. Let’s go to reason number two, why your husband is not listening to you.
Number three is your tone of voice. Now, this relates to me. There are certain tones of voice that I know from Natasha where I’m like, not sure I want to listen because she’s coming from a place of being extremely annoyed and frustrated. And I don’t think it’s going to be a conversation that’s going to get us anywhere at this moment. And in this moment, I’m not inclined to listen to her. Now, when I have the emotional capacity, it’s actually great to listen and to be there for her and all of that because they can be something valuable for me.
But if I’m again if I’m in the mode of doing something and I hear a certain tone of voice, I’m going to be like, ‘Oh, well, that’s back off. This is not going to go very pretty.’ Now, under this third reason, there’s actually a bunch of reasons that the tone of voice is something that he got used to, meaning he has had a bunch of experiences with that tone of voice which were unpleasant to him. And actually, that’s the same thing with other things. Which brings us to the next reason, which is reason number four, which is that he knows topics that are hot buttons in your relationships that he has had conversations in the past about, and they always spiral out of control.
They always get emotional, he gets hurt, or you get hurt, and it doesn’t lead anywhere. He doesn’t want to listen to you in this moment when you’re going to this direction of this topic because he doesn’t want to get into the same pattern again. So number three and number four are related because they are actually pattern recognition that he has had negative experiences in the past with this pattern, whether it’s that topic, whether it’s that tone of voice or whether it’s the look or whatever it is that you’re doing your body language, it puts him on alert. Meaning the experience was not pleasant for him.
It wasn’t a nice experience to go through with you. And so he’s trying to avoid it. That’s why he’s not listening. Hmm. So, that is quite important because the emotions that you’re expressing and the way you’re expressing them and how you’re going about it has really a big impact on your husband. Because believe it or not, your husband wants to see you happy. He wants to see you satisfied. He wants to see you fulfilled and really blossom. That’s what a husband really, ultimately wants. So when you are having regular conversations that are in, quote, getting out of control, he’s going into places with you on a constant basis that are very pleasant, where he sees you distress or where he feels himself being blamed by you.
Neither of them are very nice, and both of them are going to lead to him trying to avoid what’s going on, you know, trying to avoid conversation, avoiding listening to you. All right, which brings us to the next reason why husbands are not listening to their wives.
Number five. Number five has to do with timing. For example, and I used to have that, I just finished a session with a person who was very deep. There was a lot of things they went on, and I’m processing the session. That’s just what my brain does. And Natasha, I meet Natasha and, you know, we be together, and my mind is going off, and it’s just processing the session, and what happened and all of that, and Natasha wouldn’t see that. In her mind, I was here, and I was ready to engage, but I wasn’t really present in this moment. And so she’s then throwing all those words at me because she is very excited to see me.
And and I’m like, ‘Whoa, hold on a second.’ Like, I try to actually then focus, which is really painful because I’m trying to focus on something bad, same time being pulled away. And back then, I didn’t have such a strong control over my mind as I have now, now might be different. But even then, you know, the natural tendency for me is to have some space to let the things just unravel and having to focus at this moment in time. I can do it now. But it’s still not necessarily super pleasant for me because my mind likes to decompress.
So then you’re coming at him with all those either requests or stories and all of that, and he’s like, ‘Oh, my God. Oh, my God.’ Like, ‘I’m overwhelmed.’ He’s not listening to you because he’s busy in his own mind. And that’s something that Natasha had to learn, that she actually pays attention where I’m at. Because here’s the thing: You can tell if someone is not present. You can feel it when you’re present with someone when you’re just busy just blasting out what you want to get off your chest when you are actually listening to them. You know it. You can feel when they’re not there, and so that is actually an invitation for you to be more present with your husband.
Actually feel, well, ‘Is he even here? Is you ready to be with me? Is he ready to hear all of those things or not?’ Because if he isn’t, he might be better off just not letting him have some time and then come back to him or telling him and being like,
‘Look, I see that you you’re busy processing some things. Maybe I can come back to you, or you can come to me. I’d like to, you know, talk to you and see how your day went and all that. But I want to give you some space right now. So, you know, come to me when you’re ready.’
It’s a respectful way of just letting him know that you have a need, you want to talk to him. But at the same time, you see that he’s not in the space, and you’re asking him to come when he actually has the capacity. OK, so this is quite a big one, why husbands aren’t listening.
Number six is that he has heard it many times, and he’s absolutely tired of it. He can’t hear it anymore. He doesn’t care, doesn’t give a shit if you’re frank about what you’re going to say because the same thing over and over and over and over again. So, again, this has to do with pattern recognition, right? That you two have started to create a certain dance of being together. And the way that it’s going, he knows what topic is coming up, and he knows that you’re going to have either go at him or you are just going to keep talking and talking and talking, and it’s not going to go anywhere. So that is why he’s going to withdraw; he’s not going to want to listen. All right?
Number seven, the reason, number seven, why husbands aren’t listening to their wives is because they feel attacked. So I’ve made up my mind of what to do, or I’m in the process of it, and you start questioning me, you start telling me what to do and what not to do. And if I’m invested, if I invested my identity into this project or into being able to do what I think is right without having to be questioned around it, I can feel insecure, and I can feel like my identity is under threat.
So you’re coming in, and you’re doing all those things maybe with good intentions, but the way he’s taking it is like, oh, it doesn’t feel very nice because for him it’s personal. For him, it’s personal- what’s going on here. What he’s about to do has to do with his confidence. It can have to do with his manliness or whatever, and you’re undercutting him. And you are asking him, ‘What’s going on?’ or ‘why are you doing that? You should do it this way or that way.’
And they can come before him a sign of distrust. You’re not trusting him that you think you know everything better than him. And then you can turn actually into a power struggle where he stops listening to you just to show you that he has his own mind and that he can be right, too. And you’re standing there saying, ‘I am right.’ and he’s saying there, ‘I am right. And I’m doing it this way.’
And he stops listening to altogether because he feels undermined by you. He feels like you don’t trust him. And it becomes like a sense of identity is gone. A sense of being your own capable, strong man is gone because you are undermining him, or you were telling him what to do in the right way to do it. So that is again, that’s actually quite a big one, this one. Because getting undermined is not a very nice feeling.
Now, of course, the big question is, is whether is it even right to put your identity or your manly hood into something, an activity? These days nothing about it, really. And there’s no activity necessarily that has an inherent meaning of being me or has to do with my identity or what it means to be a man. Really? Yes, there are expressions of the masculine energy that tend to go into certain ways, like goal orientation and all of that. But just because that is one possible expression doesn’t mean that the energy that’s lived inside of a man is taken away or destroyed or something like that just because you are not agreeing with him or you have certain behavior. Right? However, it does pay off noticing where he does put a lot of pride into it. It’s worth noticing where he does have some identity in it and to respect that. To respect it, because you can also teach you about being feminine.
Because in a relationship, you do want to tap into your feminine power. It’s something we cover in The Cherished Wife program is about bringing you back to your feminine essence and allowing yourself to really live that essence. And as we said, a woman and a man, both a feminine, masculine essence, they not it’s not like women have only a feminine essence. However, it does seem to me that people have a dominant essence. I have a dominant masculine essence, and Natasha has a more dominant feminine essence. And you can go out even when you have a feminine essence. There’s nothing wrong with being in a manager position, calling the shots, you know, and doing like all of this masculine stuff, basically with the masculine energy. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, it does need to be balanced
You need to give yourself time to actually rejuvenate and recuperate by allowing yourself to relax, to surrender, to open, to flow, right? To tap into those qualities of being a beautiful, feminine woman. And a lot of women don’t do that when they are in a romantic relationship. They actually step again into the masculine energy and almost being like a mother to their husband. And if you bring that mother energy into it, I’m definitely not going to listen because that’s like the rebel, you know, like, why would I why would you listen to it to your mom, who is kind of like domineering and on top of things, you’re your own man, your own you have your own capacity, your own strength.
There’s no need to go into that. And so. When you go into your mother, and she can go into his boy energy, it’s not a good dynamic to be in. And again, it can lead to kind of a being locked in a position where you don’t want to be. And so in The Cherished Wife program, what we do is we help you step out of that rather masculine energy or the mother energy and step into your feminine energy. Because in a way, and I know this is somewhat probably controversial, but you can look at the mother energy, especially when it comes to being with a man almost more masculine because you’re a caretaker, right? You are going to protect your child. You have to watch out for your child. Those protection and all of that can be looked at as more of a masculine energy expression.
And so, in a way, he’s then going into more of his feminine energy because he’s you’re taking care of everything, you know, everything better anyway, so he just goes along, right? He’s not there standing his ground and holding the space for you and embracing you, and letting you flow. For that, you have to step into your feminine essence. And so that means to let go of that mother energy. That means to let go of a controlling energy. Trying to control the masculine trait is not a feminine trait. Let go of the control. Let go of trying to control him. And that’s why in The Cherished Wife program, we have an entire section, which is called Unleash Your Inner Goddess, where we dive deep into, you know, some of the wounds that you have experienced because having experienced those wounds and not processing them leads to wanting to control- leads to insecurities. And those insecurities then are seeping into the relationship, and you start to feel like you can’t trust him because something happened to you in the past.
So you’re projecting the past onto him. And you’re projecting your hurt onto him. And so you need to untangle those things. You need to allow yourself to heal those and become more wholesome within your own self and then come from this place of wholesomeness and bring that beautiful feminine energy into it. And what happens when you do that is that both of you get to heal very deep parts of you because when both of you are stepping into that feminine and male essence, it feels very at home. It feels rejuvenating. If you’re strengthening, it feels empowering.
While the other one, if you find yourself in a relationship where you feel exhausted because you’re doing absolutely everything, while you are very much in a masculine energy and you’re not taking care of your feminine side. You’re not aligned to that beautiful woman to come really through you- that inner goddess.
All right. So there’s a lot really to this to this Cherished Wife program. There’s many moving parts, but it really is a very, very big topic that, ah, is underpinning a lot of relationship problems and a lot of the power struggles, and a lot of the conflict can come from a misalignment in your essence, basically.
I forgot where I was. I believe I was number seven. Let’s go to number eight. Why your husband is not listening to you anymore. Now, we have covered, you know, various topics from the pattern recognition, right? And him noticing certain patterns and kind of being branded or not feeling safe anymore. And that’s actually the last reason. The eighth reason why he doesn’t listen to you is because he doesn’t feel safe within the relationship. Now, if you have listened to your podcast or if you’re just tuning in the first time, you can go to the first, I believe, one, two, five, maybe episodes- we’re talking about communication.
Because creating a safe space where he can be himself and where he can trust you, that requires you to change the way you communicate and how you relate to him. So if you have communication patterns like nagging, bickering, blaming, criticizing, attacking him, shaming him, using guilt, all of those things, if you have any of those, it is creating a relationship space that is not safe because all of those communication patterns, they are aligned to fear and insecurities.
Why do you need to blame someone? Because you don’t want to take the responsibility yourself. Why do you don’t want to take the responsibility yourself? Because you’re afraid that you start blaming yourself. Blame is really rooted, deeply rooted in fear, and so are all the other ones. And he’s a little secret: When you are aligning your relationship to fear, you are slowly choking to death. A relationship blossoms through love by being a conduit of love.
So all of those patterns that are rooted in insecurities and fears, they need to go; they need to be addressed. You need to start aligning yourself to love. And when you start aligning yourself to love, then the relationship can blossom again. So you need to learn to actually talk and interact with your husband in an empowering way. So if you’re holding grudges the whole time, if you can’t forgive, if you like, make a mistake, and he knows he made a mistake, and he’s on it to actually go about and change something bad. And you were like standing behind him, giving him a lecture like he’s a little boy that needs to be corrected. What kind of message are you sending to him?
Do you really think he’s going to listen to you when he knows that there can be such a backlash in the relationship. That he’s not really safe to be himself. That if he were to open up or if he were to trust you and actually ask you for advice or to take your advice on which, again, is a sign of trust, then he needs to know that you are capable of creating a space of love.
Now, this is actually what we call in The Cherished Wife program, Harmonious Love. It’s one of the pillars, right? And Harmonious Love is a place where you actually thrive together. Because here’s the thing, those negative communication patterns, they may have some small payoff for you, so you nag him, and eventually, he does it. But next time you nag, you have to nag him more, so he does it. And then, at some point, it just doesn’t work anymore. And not only that, it actually takes away the intimacy; it takes away the connection. And so you actually pay a huge price for it. But it has some payoff, a very small payoff, really.
And when you align yourself to love when you create harmonious love, you step away from all of that, and you let all of that go. And for some people, that takes a little bit of learning to realize, ‘You know what? People actually thrive and do better and do more of the things that you want when you step away from being so in the negative emotions.’
You don’t have to have those negative emotions to to to drive the relationship. Actually, you can have the positive emotions, and you create a space of empowerment, of appreciation, of mutual love, of mutual respect, that he’s actually going to be very happy to take your ideas on board. He still may be doing, you know, things that he thinks is right, which he really needs to do. Because that is a sign of trusting himself and trusting his own judgment. You don’t want a man who comes and asks you for everything.
And asks you, ‘Oh, you know, how how do you want me to cook the potatoes?’ No, you don’t want a man like that. You want a man who’s able and capable to make his own decisions. But that means as well that when he makes a decision that you don’t agree with, you need to be OK with that. You need to learn to let those things go. And you need to learn to also see his point of view and why he’s doing what he’s doing. You don’t have to necessarily understand it all because you never really will, because he’s his own person. He’s in his own world. He’s never going to fully understand you. You’re never going to fully understand him. That’s an illusion, really. When you think you have to understand someone, you’ve bought into your ideas and thoughts about them. And now you think you get them.
You don’t. You don’t get them. You get your thoughts and your ideas. But you can have a map that is somewhat aligned with the person that’s very functional. So letting go and letting go when he does something that you don’t necessarily agree with, that can make a huge difference. Because again, that means he feels respected. He feels seen. He feels capable, and he knows that you see him this way. Because when he does make his own decision, you’re not, you know, behind his back beating him up.
Now, when he knows that you actually trust him, that you’re open, that he can do what he wants to do, and you’re giving him some input, or you’re asking for something, he’s going to be much more likely to open up to because he doesn’t feel like you’re coming from a place of correction, you know, coming from a place of making him do something. You’re not coming from a place belittling him or criticizing him- back to the harmonious love idea, right?
So you can see how those eight reasons, how they interplay with each other, and how within those reasons, there’s actually deeper reasons really going on. One of them being identification, another one being not being aligned to love and rather being aligned to fear and insecurities.
Right. So there’s so many different layers to it that we can go in and that we can take apart. But for today, that’s really it. In the next episode, Natasha will be back with me. We will be talking about ‘Why is my husband not affectionate anymore?’ So tune in if you’re interested in that. We are very happy to have you. If you are interested in the show notes, head over to YourExceptionalRelationship/6. That’s the number six. So put that in. If you want to check out the podcast, you can also go to AwakenedWife.com, where you can see all the episodes.
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