‘Where did the time go?’ You wonder.
The whole evening has flown by and you feel like you and your husband are just getting started.
As he shares touching stories of his childhood.
And you double over in laughter as you retell what happened at work.
You haven’t felt this connected to your spouse in a long time. The evening is lively and fun. Your hearts are filled with love and appreciation as you share your deep thoughts over the dining table. If you’ve been longing for such connected and nourishing conversations with your spouse, then we’ve got you covered.
No longer do you have to wonder:
- Is it normal for couples to run out of things to talk about?
- How do I keep a conversation going with my husband?
- What are good topics to talk about with your husband?
- What do you do when your husband has nothing in common?
How do you achieve a deeply intimate connection with your partner? Read on to find out.
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6 Things to Do When You Have Nothing to Talk About With Your Husband
When you feel like there’s not much to say to one another, maybe you’ve run out ideas to talk to your husband about . If you’re wondering what questions you can ask to get the conversation started, check out this article here. But in many cases, not talking is just the surface issue.
Let’s dive deeper into what might have caused this silent dynamic and what you can do about it.
1. Neglecting The Marriage
We’re busy people.
You both have a job, hobbies, and friends. So where does the marriage fit? If you let a marriage go on its own course, you might realize years later that you and your partner aren’t on the same page anymore. Without dedicated attention and nurturing, the relationship might be left aside. Before you know it, you’ve become roommates instead of passionate lovers and life partners.
A marriage needs love and attention. To make this a bit more graspable, think of marriage this way:
When you enter a relationship, you and your spouse have the chance to become a new being which is greater than the sum of its parts. It’s a symbiosis between two organisms that make each other’s lives better. For this symbiosis to work, both have to do their part to give to each other.
Think of it this way: your marriage is a third entity that needs love and attention, just like you’d give to a child.
When you don’t nurture your relationship, it dies. But we aren’t aware of that when we first meet our soul mates. In those early days, we talked to each other for hours. We were exploring each other’s worlds and putting a lot of effort into building this new relationship.
But then we stop.
Routine kicks in and you start taking each other for granted. You think you know your partner and that they’re a fixed entity that doesn’t change. You start arguing over the same things and stop asking new questions. It doesn’t have to be this way.
What if you stopped your repetitive routine today and started creating the marriage of your dreams? How do you do that? Start by answering these questions:
- What kind of marriage do I want?
- How do I want to be treated in a marriage?
- How can I empower and serve my husband?
You can answer these questions by yourself and you can have your husband join in as well. You get to define and create a relationship that you love waking up to!
A relationship can be a place of deep healing or perpetual hurt.– Jachym Jerie
We’ve all been hurt. It’s part of being human.
But if you’re hurt to the point where you’re withdrawing from the relationship, it becomes a problem. If your relationship has become silent, one of you might have withdrawn because someone’s been hurt.
When you can’t express your feelings and don’t address the issues within your marriage, they start to stack up. You see this when you fight and you or your partner brings up old issues over and over again. Why do you think they bring it up? Because they haven’t been able to process it.
You might think that having nothing to talk about with your husband is a bad thing. It isn’t.
Whenever you find something that doesn’t quite work in your relationship, it’s an opportunity to come together to create something that’s more nourishing, fulfilling and meaningful.
Your marriage is malleable. It’s changed and shifted since the day you met!
That’s why this problem is pivotal for your lives in the best way possible. It’s a valuable chance to transform your relationship and heal these old wounds. You could be at the verge of an Exceptional Relationship that lasts a life-time. By healing your wounds and finding love, forgiveness and respect, you can secure a happier and long-lasting future together.
“You just have to compromise in a relationship.”
No you don’t.
Compromise can cut off all the passion in a marriage. Why?
When you compromise, you go against what you actually want. A past client told us once that he would try to understand his wife and then compromise. But all the while, he was in his head thinking about how his way should’ve been better and building up resentment towards his spouse.
That’s why compromising suffocates a marriage and zaps all the aliveness away. The uniqueness that once attracted you to each other is compromised away so that you can feel more comfortable around each other. Don’t settle and stop compromising.
What can you do instead?
Learn to disagree.
Say no and love each other anyways. Yes, when you enter a relationship you become a new being, but that being needs the uniqueness of both of you to survive.
Imagine not just meeting you and your partners’ needs and wants.
Imagine when you create a solution that is so aligned with both of you that it brings you closer together.
That’s exactly what happened when Jachym and I came across the Exceptional Relationship Formula. At the beginning, we kept compromising and trying to please each other. But it never seemed enough and it never made us happy. Then we learned that having an Exceptional Relationship is actually about creating together. Bending backwards and agreeing with things that don’t sit well with you isn’t love.
When you compromise you don’t allow your own need to be integrated into your marriage.
Instead of compromising, turn towards your partner and ask yourself: How can I serve him?
When we have to compromise, we don’t ask that question. What we’re really doing is asking ourselves: How can I get what I want from my spouse?
Compromising is actually a subtle and socially accepted way to manipulate your partner to do what you want.– Natasha Koo
When you stop thinking about yourself and start wanting to give to your partner, you gain more than you could ever give up.
4. Craving For More Excitement In Your Life
After a long day at work, Jane drove into the driveway of their picturesque home.
She was about to step out of her car and join her husband, Sam, at home when she paused to look at her calendar.
Janice sighed in disappointment.
‘How come my work and weekends are jam-packed, yet weekday evenings with Sam are so… boring, routine and predictable?’ She wondered.
Then it hit Janice like a lightning bolt: ‘We’re not like how we used to be. We used to seek adventure and new experiences together, exploring the world like it’s ours, but now..? All we do is work and Sam’s not like the fun-loving guy who I first met.’
Jane closed her eyes as a quiet knowing set in.
They bought their dream house and moved up their career ladders just like they wanted to but something wasn’t all there. Jane wasn’t satisfied and happy anymore. Something was missing.
Jane’s eyebrows knit together as she tried to figure it out. If only I wasn’t always the one initiating in our relationship. Plus, Sam’s not even helping much around the house. Like how many times do I have to tell him to put his stuff away after work?” Jane thought to herself.
Jane thinks that her husband is at fault for her boredom and dull life. But is it really true? Is it our spouse’s job to make us feel alive?
We disagree. If you’re not excited by your life, with or without your partner, you’re the one who has to change something, not your spouse. When you live an exciting and full life, you have plenty to share with your partner.
Here’s how you can turn things around:
1. Stop distracting yourself with mindless activities.
If you’re not busy, just sit and do nothing. Why? Because it allows you to make full contact with your emotions and own aliveness. You can only start changing things when you face what’s happening within you. Endless distractions prevent you from being honest with yourself.
You bring your attention always away from you and that creates a cycle where lots of desires, inspirations and emotions are numbed. For example, you might feel pain once you start to sit and be with yourself.
You might be wondering, why would feeling pain be a good thing? Because the emotion is trying to tell you something that you don’t know. How else would you realize that you’re dissatisfied, if you don’t notice your feelings? That’s why what you’re looking for is inherently in what you’re trying to avoid.
The moment you stop distracting yourself with mindless activities, you’ll be able to pay more attention to what you actually want. Whether it’s more excitement in your life or a deeper connection with your partner, you’ll be able to hear the inspiration that leads you to the right solution. Having nothing to say to your spouse will be a thing of the past.
2. Go outside of your comfort zone.
Want to improve your marriage and communication? Then consider this…
You have a perception of who you are. But you are so much more than you think you are. But by limiting yourself to predictable routines, you’re cutting out any new learning. What can you do to bring more excitement into your life and relationship?
Give new things a try. For example, if you’re into spirituality and you dislike fashion: start reading fashion magazines. Find one or two things that genuinely interest you in this area. The point isn’t to force yourself into a subject that you have no interest in. The goal here is to start exploring the world and yourself again. If you’re repeating the same week, month and year over and over again, no wonder things get stale!
Getting out of your comfort zone will help you to break away from routine and repetitiveness. But be aware that trying new things out can become another way of avoiding your feelings. Make sure that you’re sitting with yourself without distractions at least once a day.
3. Stop looking for your spouse to change
Want to change your relationship for the better? Then it might be a good idea to look at how you can restructure your life.
Think back to before you met your husband, what were some things you used to do that were exciting? Go back to them.
Spend less time with your spouse and when you do, be intentional about it. Most likely after being together for so long, you’re starting to take each other for granted. By reorienting your life, you can find fresh appreciation for each other.
There’s nothing wrong with you. Even when you don’t have anything to talk about with your spouse. You’re still capable of connection, love and intimacy.
The emotions that you want to relive are still there. You just have to stop depending on your partner to make that happen for you. You have to live with all of you. Then positive changes like more passion and fun will be a natural part of your life.
5. Stop Looking For Verbal Communication
You have nothing to talk about with your husband. What’s the issue behind that? What does that mean to you?
Do you not feel heard? Or do you have unmet expectations that you’d like to communicate? There’s a place for that. We recommend talking to your husband about your marriage to address these issues. But we also believe that as a society we’re obsessed with words.
What if you don’t have to talk to your husband to appreciate each other? There are plenty of people who are very bad with words. It doesn’t come naturally to them. If your husband is one of them, he probably has other ways of communicating with you that don’t use words.
Next time you’re with your husband, forget about words. See if you can spot his non-verbal communication. Here’s how we communicate without words:
- Body language
- Spending time together
- Giving each other gifts
- Eye contact
- Being physical with each other like intimacy or dancing
- Doing things for you like cooking, washing etc.
Get to know what your husband is communicating to you, even if it has nothing to do with words. Why?
Because understanding your spouse non-verbally can bring you closer together. We’re always communicating, even if that communication is saying: I don’t want to talk.
I’ve learned a great deal about expressing love in other ways through Natasha. We don’t speak the same love language. Natasha expresses her love through acts of service while mine is physical touch. By acknowledging our differences in how we communicate love, we were able to become more aligned as a couple and understand what the other person is trying to say.
6. The Beauty of Intentional Stillness
What if you don’t have to talk to feel connected? What if you can be immersed in your partner’s gaze without saying a word?
It’s possible and can deepen the relationship in ways that words could never do. Natasha and I intentionally spend time together in silence. Either sitting next to each other or just gazing into each other’s eyes. This time spent together is deeply nourishing and we both feel replenished after spending time together like this.
I know that originally, you wanted to know things that you could talk to your partner about. But isn’t the true intention behind that desire more connection? Imagine if you could connect beyond words.
If you want to give this a try you can do the following:
- Suggest to spend some time together.
- Explain that you’d like to experiment a bit with how you two are relating to each other.
- Spend ten minutes looking into each other’s eyes without talking
- Have one of you lay on your back and the other laying on top face to face. Then breath together. When one person inhales the other exhales. You’ll have to really feel each other in order to coordinate and find a breathing pattern that works for both.
These exercises can be done together or separately. Try it out for a week or two and have fun! You’d be surprised to see what happens when you make time for exercises that deepen your connection and communication..
When you first came to this article, you probably thought that communication is the main issue. By now, you’ve learned the six things that you can do to address the deeper problem.
You can heal past hurts, stop compromising and create more excitement in your life by letting go of old and stale routines. You have the power to reignite the love and connection with your spouse by expanding beyond verbal communication.
One thing that you can apply straight away is to start exploring stillness with your spouse today. Sometimes when words simply don’t work, a loving, compassionate look is more than enough to bring you back on the same page. Open up your hearts to each other again to rebuild your marriage.
Communication is an extension of your heart.
Your relationship is an extension of yourself.
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