You just can’t stand it anymore. You’ve been told off by your partner for the millionth time.
‘Aren’t we here to love one another? How’d we end up tearing each other down?’
Life has become unbearable. Every small mistake can turn into an avalanche of insults, criticism and nagging from your spouse.
‘Is it really necessary? How do I get my wife to stop nagging me?’ You think.
The good news is you don’t have to put up with the constant nagging.
Maybe you’ve been wondering, what can you do if your marriage has become a war zone where:
- Nothing you do is right and
- Everything you do gets criticized?
Good thing that you’ve found us and this article! There are four keys to transform a relationship from constant nagging to one with more love, appreciation and healthy communication. We’ll show you exactly how in clear and practical steps.
We’ve been in your spot exactly. We were once stuck in a dis-empowering pattern where nagging became the norm. Having gone through years of this dysfunctional pattern ourselves, we’ve not only resolved this problem but found our way to an exceptional relationship.
Now we don’t nag at each other and there’s more respect than ever. It’s a huge transformation that has brought us closer together and made us a better team. How can you do that for you and your partner? Read on to find out.
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What’s A Nagging Wife?
First let’s get clear on what we’re actually talking about. Nagging, as defined here, means to:
- continually fault find, complain, or petulant: a nagging parent.
So a nagging wife is someone who is continuously finding fault in your behavior and is complaining about it.
While this term is used for women, there are certainly husbands who can nag just as much. Most of the time we’d call them controlling, domineering or other names.
In both cases, it’s not nice to receive nagging nor is it nice to be the one doing it. It’s a dysfunctional behavior that has the potential to ruin your marriage. Like any pattern that’s playing out between two people, both you and your partner are responsible.
You may wish that your wife would just change. But she’ll only change that behavior if you change. The way you’re conducting yourself in this marriage has allowed the nagging to occur.
That’s actually not bad news. It means that you have a lot more control over your situation and relationship than you think. You’re not powerless to what your spouse does. In fact, you’re the co-creator of your marriage. As a creator, you can mold and shape your relationship into one that’s healthier, more connected and loving.
So what’s the first step to a marriage with less nagging and more fulfillment? Read on to find out.
Believe it or not, I used to nag at Jachym all the time.
I didn’t know it then, but my little remarks were really destroying our relationship. Without meaning to, I would put him down multiple times a day:
Seriously, I told you to put that away. Why can’t you remember anything?’
‘When I ask you to do the dishes, at least clean them right. This is pathetic.’
‘My god Jachym, why do you have to make such a mess? Ugh, clean up after yourself!’
I had specific expectations of how things should be done. Absentmindedly I extended those ideas to Jachym without his permission.
What ensued was a relationship dynamic that got more and more tense between us.
Jachym started to tiptoe around me just to not piss me off by the smallest mistake. In the meantime, I did little to actually communicate my needs and desires.
Worst of all, I started to see Jachym as useless. Once I believed this thought, it gave me even more nasty righteousness to nag at him.
Fact is, Jachym isn’t useless. He’s more than capable, but when I held him against this standard that was next to perfect, there was nowhere to go but failure for him. I had no right to make him do things my way and to put him down when he doesn’t.
By not being aware of my own actions, we were stuck in this dysfunctional nagging cycle for years. It was both dis-empowering and hurtful.
Once Jachym spoke up and we started to address this issue, only then did I realize how much I was hurting him. That’s why it’s so important for either party to step up and face this issue head-on. It isn’t only up to the person who’s nagging to change his/ her behavior. The person getting nagged at has just as much power to bring it up and to shift this dynamic.
By having an honest conversation and addressing this problem together, we’ve now built an exceptional relationship with so much love. If we can resolve this issue, so can you. All you have to do is follow the four key steps below.
If you implement it properly, not only will you resolve this current nagging problem but you’ll make great strides in your marriage. This one issue can persist and tear you two apart. It can also make you become a better team and get you that much closer to an exceptional relationship. The choice is yours.
How Do I Get my Wife to Stop Nagging me?
1. Stop Thinking About Yourself
Your wife is nagging you and you’re annoyed with it. It’s all about you and getting her to stop so that you feel at peace. That’s not a good way of looking at it. When you enter a relationship, you’re becoming a new being. The actions you take and the decisions you make have a direct impact on your wife.
It’s the other way around as well: what she does impacts you.
You’ll always struggle if the relationship is about you, your needs, and wants.– Jachym Jerie
If you only think about your own well-being, then you’re unfit for a relationship. A relationship is about ‘us’, not you against your partner. The more you can understand this point, the easier a relationship will get and the easier your communication will become.
So many couples lack the fundamental knowledge that they’re almost forming a new organism together. If they want to be happy together, they have to understand each other deeply.
Do you feel the difference? You’re not blaming your wife for nagging anymore . Rather, you see her behavior as a warning signal which it is. How’d your relationship change if you were to change the focus from ‘me’ to ‘us?’
Wait a second, why would you do that? Because it’s one of the most effective ways to bring love and compassion back into your relationship.
Why did you choose to be with your wife?
What attracted you to her that made you want to spend the rest of your life with her? When we get lost in relationship battles, we lose sight of why we’re together in the first place. Reconnecting to see the love between you and her is an antidote to resentment, anger, and blame. It’s also an antidote to your wife nagging you.
When you care for each other out of love, you’re freeing yourself from insecurities.– Jachym Jerie
To foster this love, we recommend writing down what you appreciate about your wife. Share with her something new that you love about her everyday . Forget about her nagging for now and just focus on her radiant beauty. It’ll do wonders for your relationship.
Wouldn’t it be even better if she joins in? Here’s how you can bring up the subject:
‘I feel like you’ve been unhappy in our relationship lately. It’s really important to me to have a marriage that we’re both happy with. I feel like we’re not fully going in the same direction.
We’re getting lost in disagreements and it doesn’t help neither you or me. I’d love for our marriage to be a place of trust and love. Would you be willing to work on this with me?’
By approaching your wife, declaring your intention, and inviting her to join, you’ve laid a foundation to reinvent your relationship in a way that’ll be fulfilling and exciting for both of you. It’ll make the question of ‘how do I get my wife to stop nagging me?’ an afterthought.
3. Take A Leadership Role to Stop Your Wife From Nagging
One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.– Arnold Glasow
A relationship works best when someone takes the lead. In our relationship, I take the lead for the overarching direction of our relationship and lives. Natasha takes the lead for the household such as cooking, shopping etc. Why do we do that? Because those are our natural strengths. When she leads, I take a supporting role. She’s not alone in this endeavor. We’re in it together.
Just like Arnold Glasow said, when you are in the leadership role, it’s your job to anticipate issues before they become an emergency. When no one leads in a marriage, no one notices the problems.
When there’s an emergency like nagging or constant fighting, there’s no one to take care of it. Both people just blame each other for the situation. Step up now, and you’ll save yourself from a lot of heartache later on.
What does this concretely mean for you?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.– Barbara De Angelis
Your job as a husband is to take care of your wife and her job is to take care of you. You naturally want to take care of each other when you reconnect to love. That’s what love naturally does. It reaches out to care. So you stop asking about ‘how do I get my wife to stop nagging me?’ and start wondering about how she’s feeling and what you can do for her.
To deepen this new way of thinking ask yourself:
- What are her needs?
- When does she feel desired and feminine?
- How does a good life look like for her?
- What’s her dream relationship like?
- What kind of husband does she want?
- What are her dreams and aspirations?
If you don’t know the answer, ask her. Have a deep conversation with your wife to really explore her world. She may not know the answers herself which is perfectly fine. You can always experiment together to find out more. It’s a vital step, if you want your wife to stop nagging at you.
This relationship isn’t all about her, it’s also about you. So you ask yourself:
- What are my needs?
- What kind of wife do I want?
- What are my dreams and aspirations?
- When do I feel desired and strong?
- What kind of relationship do I want?
Do you see how we’re going much deeper than trying to fix your nagging wife? The reason we do that is because your wife’s nagging is an expression of something not being quite right.
By sitting down with her, with the intention to build a relationship that’s wonderful for both of you, you’re going to gain so much more. This is the basis for creating an exceptional relationship. The little problems that you face with your spouse is an opportunity to get unstuck from petty issues. It’s a chance to reassess how your relationship currently is.
By going beyond the surface, you can create a much more fulfilling marriage. For example, you can get a clearer direction on the type of relationship and life that you want. Once you’re on track to an exceptional relationship, just stopping your wife from nagging at you is the last thing on your mind. There will be so many more exciting and deeply satisfying things that you want to create together.
Here’s an example of what kind of relationship you and she might want.
She: ‘I’d love to have a relationship where I feel like you care for me. I want to feel desired and feminine and not just the servant who has to do everything at home. I’d love to be in a relationship with you where I deeply feel like I can trust you. I want to feel loved and cherished by you. I want to feel the spark between you and me, the aliveness. I want to explore the world with you and fall in love with you over and over again.’
Him: ‘I’d love to have a relationship with you where I feel like a man. I want to feel like we’re a powerhouse together that can tackle anything. I’d love to feel your support and love. I’d love to feel your passion for me, like you desire me deeply. I want to take care of you and provide for you. I want to feel like you care for the relationship by surrendering to your femininity and being less controlling.’
A relationship without a common vision, is like a ship without a captain. All you get is unforeseen storms that might just sink the ship.– Jachym Jerie
Your dream relationship will be a lot longer and more thorough. It’ll give you an idea of where you two agree or disagree. With that information, you can find out your common goals and have an agreement on what your relationship is actually about. After that it’s time to address what’s not aligning with this vision.
For now, let’s address how you can get your wife to stop nagging you. Read on to find out the next step you can take to finally resolve this issue in your marriage.
4. Set Clear Boundaries
There’s no room for behavior that dis-empowers your shared vision. Going back to the example before:
- She wants to feel desired and feminine.
- He wants to feel strong and manly.
Your wife’s nagging is neither making her feel feminine nor desired. It’s also not making you feel strong and manly. The only thing it accomplishes is a mother-son relationship. That behavior has to stop. It’s hurting her and it’s hurting you.
To stop it, you have to clearly establish your boundaries. Here’s how you do it…
Map Out Where She Nags
To identify the pattern ask yourself:
- In which situations does this keep happening?
- What is she actually complaining about?
- Why is this such an important topic for her?
Janette always complains when her husband leaves dirty plates in the sink.
She’s saying: if you’d love me, you’d stop creating work for me. You don’t care about me, I’m like your servant.
This topic is important for her because the dishes in the sink aren’t just dishes. They are a symbol of care from her husband. It shows her that he loves her when he does acts of service.
Sophie is always interrupting and telling her husband what he’s doing wrong. Whether he’s driving, paying the bills, or washing the car. She has a very strong view on how things have to be done.
In this case you’ve two options:
- Find out why it’s important to her that you do things a certain way. See if her suggestions make sense to you. This requires an open mind.
- Assert your boundaries.
Let’s address the second point and how you can do it:
First, make sure that you and your wife have a talking routine. You can learn how to establish a healthy talking routine here.
Second, make sure both of you have talked about your shared vision for the marriage. It’ll make everything easier.
When those two things are in place, here’s how you can assert your boundaries and address this conflict.
‘There are some areas in our marriage where I don’t feel like we’re honouring our commitment to create an amazing relationship that we both want. One of them is when I’m driving with you. I get really stressed when you correct my driving. I have to split my attention and I feel like I’m more likely to make a mistake.
How can we address this issue together?
Why does it work?
- You’re bringing up your commitment to the relationship which both of you have agreed on.
- You’re stating the issue without blame or criticism.
- You’re telling her how her behavior is affecting you.
- You’re asking her to chime in for a resolution.
Doesn’t that feel much nicer, than being at each other’s throats?
The more you work on the foundation of your relationship which is:
The more successfully you’ll handle issues as they arise. With a solid foundation, you don’t have to keep on putting out fires. Follow what we’ve shared here and you’ll be able to have a wife who is deeply loving and committed to you vs. one who is constantly nagging at you.
Now you’re equipped with the four key steps to stop your partner from nagging at you. It might be unpleasant for you in your marriage right now, but it’s an opportunity for a better and more loving relationship.
We get it, it can be frustrating to be stuck in the same dysfunctional cycle for years. But as this pattern was created, so can you break it down completely. All it takes is your commitment and dedication to take the next steps.
What’s something you can do today to shift your dynamic? Put some time aside to pause and stop thinking about yourself in regards to this problem. Instead, ask yourself the following questions:
- How’s my partner?
- How does she feel?
- Why is she in distress?
This is a great start. Continue one step per week until the last and fourth step is complete.
Remember, you don’t need to wait for your spouse to change in order to make a change in your marriage. You’re a lot more powerful than you think. Sometimes we’re under the impression that our relationship ‘happens to us’. When in fact, we’re the creator of our marriage.
So take control of your life and your relationship, you can do this! All you have to do is take one step at a time.
Don’t let the past define you and your relationship.
Take action and create the marriage of your dreams today.
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