Do opposites attract? How can you make your marriage work if we are so different? Those might be the questions you’re asking yourself once the honeymoon phase fades.
What seemed to be the most charming and intriguing traits in your partner quickly turned into doubtful problems:
Will you find a common ground together? Will your differences become a source of conflict?
In this article, we’ll be exploring all of these questions and more. When we first met, we were polar opposites. I was a happy-go-lucky optimist who wanted to save the world. While Jachym was a pessimistic stoic who thought the world was going to hell.
Never ever did we think that we would fit together. Never-mind travelling the world while creating our dream business like we do today.
Our secret was to find the balance between being our true and authentic selves and embracing our drastic differences. Read on to find out the mistakes to avoid when your partner is the opposite of you and what you can do to be a synergistic couple together.
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Birds of a feather flock together.
We prefer people who are similar to us, not different. What happens in a relationship and a marriage is that the differences stand out while the similarities are taken for granted.
For example, Natasha is tidy; I’m not. She’s extroverted; I’m introverted. She’s vegetarian; I’m not. She’s good with details; I’m not. I love uncertainty, she loves safety.
On the surface it can look like we’re opposites, but we also share many commonalities:
- We want to do good in the world.
- We love food.
- We have similar spending habits.
- We love traveling.
- We are into spirituality.
- We appreciate nature a lot.
- We both have active lifestyles.
- We value deep friendship over superficial ones.
- We are into self-improvement
When we refer to opposites in this article, we are referring to the experience of feeling that we are different.
Natasha and I wouldn’t say that we are similar because our differences stand out to us more. It’s more important to stay with your experience, than to be scientifically correct.
Why Do Opposites Attract Each Other?
The question is assuming that it’s true that opposites attract each other. However, there’s a lot of different causes that go into attraction like:
- Body language
- Perceived status
That’s why we can’t just collapse attraction and mating behavior into one statement like: Opposites attract each other. We are attracted to each other for many different reasons. Most of these aren’t known to us on a conscious level. Instead, we make up a story about why we like someone or not.
Most likely you’re finding yourself in a relationship already where you feel like you’re polar opposites. If you are, you’ll be asking yourself…
Can Polar Opposites Work In a Relationship?
Yes, absolutely. As mentioned above, Natasha and I are very different on many levels. When we first met, Natasha had a very positive world view, while I was very negative. This and many other differences didn’t get in the way. It actually enhanced our relationship.
In our experience, being polar opposites is a tremendously enriching relationship. You won’t have the same kind of growth and understanding if you were the same.
An exceptional relationship takes an exceptional commitment.- Natasha & Jachym Jerie
The question isn’t as about whether a relationship can work or not, the question is asking how will it work. For example, if you want kids and your partner doesn’t, you might want to seriously consider if you want to be with each other.
It’s not that you can’t be together. But one of you will have to change their outlook on this matter. What’s more important to you: having kids or being with this person? The good news is that desires like that can also be met through other means. We’ll cover that later in this article.
As much as it’s great to be in a relationship with someone who has a personality that’s polar opposite to you, you’ll eventually want to find common ground with them. In order to do that, it’s important to communicate with your partner. You want to explore questions like:
- What kind of relationship would we like to have?
- What values do we want to have represented in our relationship?
- What are our strengths and weaknesses?
Having these kinds of questions makes it easier to see where you do align in the relationship. It’ll also uncover differences that you might not want to reconcile. For example, he wants to have other sexual relations but you want to have a monogamous one. If neither of you wants to explore the other person’s position and you’re not open to find a third alternative together, the relationship is better broken off.
That said, there are plenty of differences that you can work with which will enhance the relationship greatly. Read on to find out how.
How Do You Make a Relationship Work When You Are Opposites?
You might be wondering: Are we too different to make it work?
No. Being different is good. In many cases, being opposites is actually the recipe for success. Why? Because you’ll complement each other and create a synergy together that’s unbeatable.
That’s what an Exceptional Relationship is all about. You want to go beyond ‘managing, coping, making it work.’ How can you be in an authentic and healthy relationship if you don’t embrace all your differences? Coming together and bringing out the best in each other despite your differences is the secret to being a power couple.
When you’re no longer conflicted in your relationship, all the energy that was tied up in conflict is now released. Just imagine what you could do together when you’re on the same page and truly value each other.
You’d be unstoppable.
How do you achieve this? There are four vital mindsets that support couples who are polar opposites.
Relationships are the building blocks of society, create change there and you’ll revolutionize the world.- Natasha & Jachym Jerie
Mindset #1: Your Partner And You Are Both Right
It’s so easy to believe that the way you do things is the right way. What if it isn’t? I don’t pack snacks for a trip. It’s too tedious. Natasha always brings water, napkins, and a variety of snacks with her. Here’s what I could do:
It’s a waste of time. It just creates more work. I like to just buy something. She just doesn’t get what it means to be more spontaneous.
Do you see how this narrative is insisting on me being right? Now let’s check out another possibility:
I don’t understand why she does it, but let’s just try it out. I’m sure she has her reasons to do things this way. What if I could learn something here?
Do you see how this opens you up? Guess what happened with us? I often carry a water bottle with me, and sometimes even a snack. Why? Because I saw her merit and I like it.
Does this mean that my approach was wrong? Nope. My way of doing it is faster. I don’t have to plan and it keeps my mind away from filling it with organizational things like this. Neither of us is wrong. We are both right. When we stay open to our partner, we can learn and grow so much together.
Mindset #2: Don’t Compromise
Compromise, compromise, compromise is a highly parroted statement in the relationship space. We don’t believe that it’s healthy or necessary. Why? Because you rob yourself and your partner from learning together.
When you compromise, you take the friction out of the relationship. With that you also lose the passion. You want to stay independent human beings who have their own preferences. That’s why you’re together in the first place: not to be with yourself, but someone else.
If you compromise your differences away, you end up not being attracted to each other anymore because you’re perceiving each other as being the same. You aren’t. Not only that, when you compromise, you cut off parts of you so that you are more agreeable with your partner. Don’t do that.
Being polar opposites is a gift. It allows you to form such a powerful unit that has so many facets to it. You can’t do that when you compromise. Instead, you want to embrace these differences and learn to work with them.
When Jachym and I first started working together, we were completely baffled. We got along just fine at home, but it felt like we spoke totally different languages when it came to work.
There were moments where we couldn’t understand each other at all. It made us so frustrated and we even questioned whether creating a business together was a good idea.
After many trials and errors, we realized that we process information differently. I always want to do things in an organized, dependable and efficient manner. There needs to be clarity, clear purpose and method to achieve a specific goal. While Jachym works in a completely different way.
He loves to dream, bring abstract ideas and innovation to the table. Implementation isn’t on his mind, but having long-term visions and strong philosophies that inform the business is his genius.
At first, I didn’t understand what he was even doing or what it was for. I always had my practical hat on and couldn’t think outside the box. He on the other hand, couldn’t understand why everything had to have a reason and clear procedure.
Once we realized each other’s differences, we began to appreciate the very thing that we ourselves didn’t have. Our weaknesses could be supported by our partner’s strengths. And in term, we create the greatest dream-team that we could ever ask for.
But first, we had to work out the differences. We had to get through the uncomfortable confusion and disconnect. Once we established a common ground, respect, appreciation, love and creativity flourished.
Mindset #3: What Can I Give?
The issue of being polar opposites in a marriage is that we think we aren’t getting what we need from our partner. For some reason, we believe that our partner should be the ‘jack of all trades.’ It’s all about us and getting what we need from our partner. When it doesn’t happen, being opposites can be the thing that we blame for our dissatisfaction in the relationship.
With this mindset shift, you can change that. Instead of asking yourself ‘what can I get from my partner?’ ask yourself ‘what can I give to them?’ This changes the dynamic completely. Now you’re looking to support your partner which allows your differences to become a strength for your marriage.
As long as the relationship is only about you, you’ll be miserable. Instead, start serving your partner..- Jachym Jerie
Mindset #4: How Can I Satisfy My Other Needs?
When you realize that your partner is limited in fulfilling all your desires, you can then explore how you can get your other needs met. It’s healthy and good to have a life on your own. The dynamic with your partner can give you only so much, the rest you can find in other places.
It’s good to have your own hobbies, friends, and alone time. That’s where you as an individual can grow and with that your relationship will grow too. Being opposite of your husband becomes a problem when he’s the only source for all your emotional needs.
You and your husband are independent human beings who choose to be together. It’s up to you to find out how you can nurture a good dynamic with your spouse that will both empower and strengthen you and your partner.
This often includes not expecting your partner to be everything for you.
There’s more to changing your relationship dynamic and creating an Exceptional Relationship. One where you feel wanted, desired, yet understood by your partner. That’s possible.
We’ve questioned our own relationship because we couldn’t see past our differences. We also wondered if we could make it work despite having such different views on certain topics. But we did find our way.
Not only that, we have the deepest appreciation and love, even more than the honeymoon phase. Why? Because we love each other for all that we are. We embrace and truly feel gratitude for how different we are. If this is the type of lasting and exceptional love that you want in your life, then reach out here to get help from us.
Now that we’ve explored what works, let’s look at what gets in the way of the relationship blossoming. Knowing what can break a relationship will help you avoid these destructive behaviors. We’re looking specifically at behaviors related to your husband being the opposite of you.
What Destroys A Relationship
Do opposites make good couples? Only if you don’t engage in the following behaviors. When we are met with our polar opposite, we often retract in fear. They’re so different. What they say often goes against how we see things. It can feel threatening.
That’s why we can resort to one or more of these destructive behaviors when we feel uncertain and don’t know what to do with the differences you have with your partner.
One typical response is to try to control them so that we become more ‘safe’ and life becomes more predictable. But trying to change your partner, is telling them that they’re not good enough as they are. You’re insinuating that they have to be different so that you’ll be happy. It’s a recipe for disaster.
It leads to you trying to control your partner, which will push him further away. Before you know, you are playing out a dysfunctional relationship pattern. Manipulation and power play becomes normal in your relationship.
That’s why you want to stay away from trying to change your partner. Instead, start looking at what you can learn from them.
Do you see how money/cottage has a different meaning for each party? Is it really about the money or the cottage? No. These are simply symbols for the underlying needs and values. When you see this for yourself, suddenly the doors open up to how else these needs can be met.
Feeling Responsible For Their Happiness
You can’t make someone happy. Happiness is your partner’s business. As long as you don’t see that, you’ll twist yourself to please them. This attitude will quickly lead to you violating your own boundaries which then leads to resentment and distrust.
You can do things your partner appreciates. We do it all the time. But we don’t do it out of obligation but out of love. We want to do it. When you believe you’re responsible for your partner’s happiness, you’ll feel obligated.
How would your relationship change if you didn’t feel obligated to make your partner happy? Really consider this.
Stop Being Yourself
We want to please each other, it’s a normal instinct. But this can lead to not being truthful to ourselves anymore. Whenever this happens, you are cutting a part of you off along with the energy that comes with it. You’re again diffusing being the opposite.
Instead, you want to be yourself fully. You want to acknowledge when you have your blind spots. When you’re in a relationship, your blind-spots will show up. It’s important that you address them.
I have changed many things about myself once I realized that the behavior was an unconscious pattern. I didn’t change it, so Natasha was more pleased with me. Instead, I changed it because I saw how it was dysfunctional for both of us. It wasn’t supporting the relationship, it was actually destructive.
I used to be very abrasive with Natasha whenever I really wanted something to go my way. Guess what? It worked. But at what expense? I hurt the relationship because I was putting my desire above hers. I didn’t respect the relationship and didn’t work as a team to find a way together. Instead, I was forcing my way. It wasn’t very nice, nor was it functional. I picked up this behavior from my family. Once I saw what it did to us, I had to change. It wasn’t coming from Natasha, but from myself.
When we are being our true selves in the relationship, it honours who we are, including our differences. It also means that we are being authentic to the growth process of realizing our blind spots and learning a better way of being. That’s why if you stop being yourself in your relationship, it will get harder and harder as you need to keep a persona that isn’t you.
Focusing On What’s Not Right
When you’ve married your opposite, you’ll find plenty of things that aren’t right at first sight. But looking at that prevents you from seeing what’s possible within your differences. Be mindful of the stories you spin about:
- Not being compatible
- Being too different to make it work
- Wishing for it to be different
Before you know it, you only see the negative in your relationship. It’s vital that you stop that and start looking at what’s good about being with someone who thinks and sees things differently than you.
I couldn’t do and live the life I have today without Natasha. Our differences are a true blessing.
One of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to relationships is that people think that differences are a bad thing. But they aren’t.
Although having differences with your partner can pose a challenge sometimes, it creates greater space for you to find a creative and respective way for the both of you.
You’re not with your partner so that he/she agrees with everything you say. You’re together to love, grow and to learn. And there’s no blessing greater than learning from who you love the most in the world.
You’ve probably learned by now that being opposites or not isn’t the main issue. What matters the most is how you approach conflicts and communication. Can you keep respecting and honouring each other even if your partner holds a different viewpoint? Can you work together when your differences seem greater than what you have in common?
As long as you are committed to the process, you can tap into your creative potential to become a synergistic couple. An Exceptional Relationship is at your fingers. But first, you have to stop repeating the four typical behaviors that destroy relationships and pivot to a healthier way of being together.
Learn to love each other.
Learn to appreciate your differences.
Learn to create the best life ever.
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