[EP29] How to Stop Being a Controlling Wife

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What Episode 29 Is About:

As a wife, I only want what’s best for my husband. But in doing so, I found myself trying to run his life for him. 

Our marriage started to go downhill because of my control issues, but we managed to turn things around! Our love has never been deeper, our connection stronger. 

Want to learn from my mistakes and find out how you can move past the need to control everything? All you need to do is to listen to this episode.

We promise that things can change for the better.   

Show-Notes:

  • Why would you want to give up control in your marriage?
  • How to stop controlling my husband?
  • How to give up control in my marriage?

Resources Mentioned:

Transcript

 

Natasha: Welcome back to another episode of your Awakened Wife Podcast. I’m Natasha Koo.

Jachym: And I’m Jachym Jerie, and we are from your exceptional relationship.com. Today we are talking about how to stop being a controlling wife. So let’s dive into it and see how you can release the control and with it get happier and more fulfilled in your relationship.

Natasha: If you’re new to this podcast, you might want to know that in the previous episodes, we’ve covered this topic from different angles. So for example, in episode 27, we, uh, Jachym himself, he covered the 11 signs that you’re a controlling wife, because sometimes ‘How do we know? Are we just paranoid? Is it Are we really being controlling?’

So Episode 27, you can figure out the signs that you actually are being controlling in your marriage. And in the last episode, Episode 28, I got into the three reasons why we as women, we as wives become controlling in your relationship. And that’s something I personally went through, right. So yeah, I also share bits and bobs of what I went through and why I was also being controlling towards Jachym.

Now for today, we are definitely talking about how to actually stop this cycle of it. Because we know that it can be really destructive. Not only that, it really makes the husband want to spend less time with you want to but not want to be around you. And it creases, unnecessary friction when you could actually be enjoying each other and not being in this dynamic, right? It’s almost like a it’s like a power play where no one really wins. And you’re trying to get your way, but it doesn’t turn out that way. So let’s dive into how we can actually start controlling our husband. But first, there’s this really important question, isn’t it that you want to cover?

Jachym: Right? And that is like, why would you want to give up control in your marriage in the very first place? Isn’t control great? Aren’t we striving for control? Here’s the thing when you are in a marriage control is a double-edged sword. Meaning when you’re controlling everything, you only have your perspective, and you’re trying to impose your will on to the other person. And by definition, you then stop being a team, because it’s just about your will, and you stop listening to your husband or to each other and what’s actually best for the relationship rather than just what you want and what you think is best. Now, what we’ve also found is that when you are in this controlling state, ie, many women are stepping into their masculine side. 

And when you’re stepping into the masculine, he has to step into his feminine or is more drawn into the feminine side, which then often results into him turning more into a boy rather than a man. and that in turn, will then inspire you to be more controlling again, right, because he obviously doesn’t have his shit together. So why should I let go of control, it is absolutely necessary that I control. And when this happens, the attraction goes out the window. These days, no attraction anymore in the relationship. Because what your heart desires when you’re a person who has a feminine essence is that you can let go and that you are being pursued and that your man is there and takes leadership role and is providing a space for you where you can just be and express yourself and flow. And when you have to control you can’t go into that space. And so the relationship becomes stale, and it loses its Spark. And if you want to, you know, reclaim that spark letting go of control, it’s definitely a really vital step. Which brings me to an important point, if you are in a sparkless marriage, then head over to your exceptional relationship.com. And there you’ll see the irresistible wife blueprint, which helps you to give you an insight in how you can rekindle that spark.

Natasha: Yeah, because there’s really nothing wrong with wanting your partner or your relationship to be thriving, right, like you want a wonderful relationship, you want to enjoy each other, you want to bring out the best in each other, and the end result of what you want. There’s nothing wrong with it, you know, but it’s just that sometimes we get caught up in certain patterns or certain methods of trying to get your way such as being controlling, which we do over and over again, and it just doesn’t give you the right results right. 

So at some point, It will deteriorate your relationship or the morale between you and your partner to the point where, you know, someone’s just had enough, like, they’re just tired of being controlled and being spoken to that way and insane in that way. And so if you’re kind of getting into that slippery slope, and you can actually notice that Wait, the vibe of our marriage vibe of our relationship is no longer positive. We’re not sharing these beautiful connected moments anymore. And factor, you know, it’s unpleasant, you know, there are more arguments. And there’s still jabs everywhere. Like, well, why has Why have things kind of gone down this path and become like this. And sometimes we don’t realize that it’s the method, right? The method of communication and method of trying to make your marriage or make your partner into us into a certain way. And so know that, you know, we understand you like you might have to be very, very good intentions, you really might want to turn your relationship around. But if we don’t know exactly the right way of going about that, we can actually do a lot more damaged and, and good. 

And so I personally experienced that by being controlling within our marriage, you know, is felt like I really had good intentions, but it just didn’t quite work, right. And that’s the very reason why we also have our cherished wife program, because sometimes we’re so used to being controlling, we’re so used to just telling a partner what to do, because we think we know what the right way is that it’s hard to see any other way over-responding right in the moment, it’s just your go-to your go-to. So if you want to actually know how you can change this pattern, right? 

Take it from the roots, so that it doesn’t keep staying in your relationship and ruining the intimacy and a connection between you and your partner, then make sure to head over to your exceptional relationship.com for slash cherished, because we have a whole program where we really go through exactly what to do instead, yeah, because there’s way more efficient and way more pleasant way of getting things your way that doesn’t require to be controlling. So we’re just gonna dive into the different ways of how to stop doing that, of course, we go into so much more detail, and we give you so much more support within our coaching program. But let’s get into the tips to stop controlling this behavior.

Jachym: So in short, why would you want to give up control in your marriage because it leads to a happier you a happier husband and a happier relationship? That’s really in a nutshell, what it boils down to. Alright, so how do you stop controlling your husband? Well, the very first thing that I have become aware of that when it comes to control is that usually you’re there’s fear involved, right, you’re afraid of something. And so I would like to ask you a question. And the question is, What are you afraid of? 

When you’re becoming controlling, what are you afraid of? Sometimes that can be well, I’m afraid that something is not going to go the way I intended it to go. And I really need it to be this way. So let’s give an example you have a dinner that’s coming up, or you have invited friends and you want the dinner part to be perfect, and the way that you wanted it. And so you will become controlling because you don’t want it to go wrong and somehow look bad in front of your friends. Now, there is a validity in not wanting to look bad in front of your friends and have a good dinner that is pleasant and beautiful. Nothing wrong with that desire. However, what’s interlaced in that desire is the fear is a fear of looking bad, and a saying I can’t and must not look bad, in front of my friends and people and the dinner must go a certain way. 

And as soon as you are making a demand like this, you are your contract contracting, because everything all your energy is put into now making it a certain way. Right, and you’re not in flow anymore. With life, you’re not in flow anymore with your partner, you becoming more like a robot rather than a flowing dancer that dances together with life and your partner. And so when you want to let go of control, I encourage you to look at what is it that you’re afraid of. The more aware you become of what’s driving the control, the easier it is to let go of that inquiring tip and address it rather than being driven by it. So that’s the very first point

Natasha: In the previous episode, I also talked about how, you know, when you’re being controlling, there’s a certain way in which you view your partner, maybe he’s become useless, maybe you know the way and he needs to just follow you when he makes pancakes. And that’s exactly which pen to use, how much oil, the ratio of the egg and the flower and in the heat of the pet like everything, right? So like that, in the last episode, where identified that how you really view your husband or your partner, is a requirement for you to actually control him without seeing him in a way that where he needs you or where, you know, and he should be shown the way without seeing him in this manner. You won’t be controlling him. 

So in that sense, one way to stop controlling your husband is to really evaluate, we evaluate how, okay, how do I see him in my mind’s eye like within? within myself, when I think about my partner? Do I see him as someone powerful? The man who I fell in love with, with all these qualities that I actually value and adore and appreciate or even admire in him? Because if that is still true, why would you try to control someone who you admire who you still respect and value? Do you know what I mean? So a lot of relationships actually end up in this place where there’s controlling behavior, and they’re viewing their partner in a certain way. 

And so to, to kind of stop this negative cycle from getting even worse, is to really take a look at Okay, is it really true that my partner’s useless, most likely, you know, he’s functioning just fine in life. He’s really excelling at work. He’s, he has a great group of friends. He’s doing well. So what is it that makes you see him as someone who isn’t capable? Who isn’t? You know, so great anymore, right? So it’s really for you to take a look at and I mean, this can be very uncomfortable, because it might go against everything. There’s a whole case you’ve built up against him. And I know, I know what that feels like. Because I know when you’re human, I used to have unresolved conflicts, and problems if within our relationship. 

I saw him as such a problem and I blame him for so many things going wrong, that he just became this bad guy like this source of my, all the, like, negative issues in my life, like I could somehow stem them from him, like I was able to actually be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was at fault here. Like, obviously, he contributed in some way or another to this. But is it really, really, really true that your partner Your husband is playing that role in your life? And in what ways can we can you start to explore, okay, maybe he is doing something, right? Maybe he does know, maybe he is smart, maybe there is wisdom in him. And there’s a reason why you fell in love with him, you, you chose him. So can you we connect to that, that man who you fall in love with in the first place, because he’s still there. 

But you just might not see him in this manner anymore, your perspective of him might have changed. And of course, maybe there’s been some hurtful experiences that kind of led you to this conclusion. But there’s that man still there. And if you want to save your marriage, and you want to stop controlling him, then you do have to see him in a way where it’s not completely clouded by hurt and pain. And so that’s another way of actually stopped being the control of your partner is to change and to actually look at Okay, what is a more real perspective of my partner, that’s not tainted by just pure hurt.

Jachym: Think that’s really good, a really good point, and something to very much reflect on and to put an effort in to change your focus. So find the things that he’s doing well, and put your focus on that and not just put your focus on it mentally, but express it. So for example, he is good with his hands and he is great at fixing something at home, right you can express that you can tell him that. And when you as you put the focus on it, and you express it and you he feels the appreciation coming from you, he will become more into his power again, which then gives you more reason to appreciate more things and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And but it works both ways. 

So you only see the negative and you start pointing out all the next Good to hear from you tell him what he’s doing wrong and all of this. And before you know it, he becomes the useless man that you have in your, in your mind instead of the powerful man that he can be. And so simply switch focus and ask yourself, How do I see my husband? Be honest, write it down, and then take a look at it. And see if you can start changing that image. Because here’s the thing, the image of your husband is not your husband, it is just a story, an image that’s living within your mind and see you, you may have not even met your husband properly, because you’re too busy projecting your story of him onto him and finding evidence in his behavior to support your case. 

And so you really got to persist a little bit. Because we, we feel like you know how I see my wife or my partner, he is this way I know it, I know him inside out. And so we almost take this arrogance on where we were like, so stuck in our view and mistaking our view for reality, though, it actually is not reality, it’s just a view about reality. So this, this, this point really cannot be emphasized enough because it has such a big impact on our relationship. But let’s go to the next one, which is also really important. And it’s actually a really practical one, and that is to notice your body. 

Now, why would we say that? Because every way that you interact, brings a certain energy with it, and its energy impacts your body. So when you are in your controlling behavior, it has an impact on your body, most likely, you’re going to feel more contracted, and tense, and not very relaxed, and in flow, most likely, you feel a bit stressed. So notice how that feels in your body. How does that feel and then contrast it to when you’re in flow when you enjoy when you feel feminine and sexy and beautiful. How does that feel in your body.

Natasha: Because when you’re trying to control your partner, there’s definitely the thought that Oh, it shouldn’t be this way, it should be another way. And just that pure thought of it shouldn’t be this way, is direct resistance against reality, and what’s here in West before you right now. And when you bring such resistance into the moment, your body’s not going to like it is going to contract and it’s gonna feel stressful, it’s gonna feel like you need to take action in order for you, for you to feel okay, all of those things are going to show up within your body. Because it’s never nice to be in resistance against reality, or in resisting your partner and what they’re doing and what they’re saying and what, how they look and all of that. 

So paying attention to what you experienced within your body can actually let you know when you’re tensing up, and you’re bout to step in, take control and try to fix things and, you know, take on that role. So, this is almost like a precursor, because sometimes we realized too late, that Oh, I’ve set that again, I’ve just told him for the third time what to do today, or, you know, whatever it is the most we re is upon reflection that we realize, Oh, I did it again, I shouldn’t have. But if you are mindful and paying attention to your body, you’ll notice the contraction, you’ll notice attention building up before your before you speak it right before you become an act controlling towards your partner. 

So this is something that’s really highly undervalued by a lot of people because we’re so busy thinking about what we need to get done, how things should be, and what’s coming up next, that we don’t, we don’t slow down and we don’t pay attention to your body. But there’s so much wisdom there because it will show up way before you mentally you know, realize what you’ve done or what you said or what you’re trying to do.

Jachym: Now, the good news is that once you have the awareness of how your body starts changing and how you start contracting, you are back in control funnier, because before control was actually just driving you it’s almost an unconscious behavior and you almost didn’t have a choice because you were compelled to keep taking control because you’re driven by fear. And most of those behaviors they are actually not healthy. They don’t feel wholesome, they don’t feel good in your in your body. They don’t feel good in your mind if they’re not good for your emotions in your life. 

And yet you keep repeating them. And so bringing the awareness back into your body increases the awareness of what’s happening. And then you have a choice. You’re like, okay, I feel I’m tensing up, I feel I’m starting to contract. And I want to start bursting out and telling him what to do. Right? That moment, you can say stop, I’m going to choose a different reaction, I’m not going to say anything, I’m going to walk away from the situation, I’m going to go and take a few breaths, I’m going to relax. And I’m going to open to that contraction, I’m going to allow myself to feel all of those sensations that are happening within me. 

Now, that’s going to change and rewire how your nervous system is reacting to those stimuli. And to those situations where you are habitually controlling. And by being aware of it and choosing a different direction, and choosing a different way of interacting with your body with your partner, you are changing the destiny of the relationship because what we have seen is that a lot of relationships will eventually fail. Because both of you are deprived, he is deprived of feeling your beautiful radiance, your femininity, and you’re deprived of him being in a strong masculine power, that gives structure and that is just your rock. And he’s there. And so both of you are feeling deprived. And when you’re feeling deprived, what do you do, you eventually break apart and you find it somewhere else. Right? So that is so vital to keep in mind that control and being controlling the relationship really can damage the relationship.

Natasha: We’re also talking from experience, not just work with our clients, and what we’ve seen in other couples, we’ve gone through this whole thing ourselves, right? So I think it was quite early on in our relationship that I was already being quite controlling, wasn’t it? And it was something if you listen to the previous episode of mine, it’s literally something I picked up from my mom. Because I think in society, it’s this nagging wife, this person who’s constantly like, almost like pecking at her husband, like telling them what to do keep in line like that. 

Okay, it is gonna be really blunt, but pretty much like the husband becomes once one of the children to manage, right? Like, you see that you see that a lot, like a woman, is running the household doing all this stuff, okay? Okay, make sure the husband has his thing and the school lunches and, okay, don’t wear that T-shirt to work because I packed you spaghetti-like, like, the husband just slowly becomes a subject to be managed. And like the children, it’s like another person to show them the way of how things should be done. 

And that is really, really so unfortunate. And, and I think, for us in our relationship when I was being controlling. And as we face more and more issues within our relationship that we did not resolve, it just got worse, they just got worse. And the control started to become even more negative in that it had this flavor of like blame and bitterness and resentment. And it almost became this avenue in which I rented out my displays, my unfulfillment to my partner, you know, through all these little everyday things, and we’ve seen so many relationships deteriorate in this manner, first through a little bit of like, Oh, just, you know, guiding him, and over time to treating him like a child, you know, treating your partner like a child. 

And at that point, yes, you can save your marriage still, yes, you can turn things around. And that’s exactly why we have our coaching program. But the problem is that, at that point, it just feels so, so bad, you know, how you see your partner has changed. And, and you are so dependent on this way of being and speaking to your partner, that your perception has changed. And, and you are afraid of him being himself at this point, and you’ve completely forgotten who he was before. All of this has happened. Right? So that’s the reason why for our last tip, and it’s super practical, is we advise you to make a list of all the areas in which you try to keep this control.

Okay. If you were to ask me back then in my relationship, I could tell you it was everywhere because I was a perfectionist. I was so specific so particular so controlling So type A and everything there was not one thing in my life that I just went Oh yeah, it doesn’t matter. Whatever. Like My yoga poses needed to be deep enough in a certain way I needed to get there on time, I had to, you know, like, write my friends often enough and show up and be a good daughter be a good wife and the household needs to be this, the vegetables in the fridge can go bad, like, there was just so much on my plate that I was putting the pressure upon myself to perform at that there was not one area where I could actually relax. 

Now, all the tips we’ve given you today on how to stop being controlling wife actually allows you to step back so that your partner can step up for you. And as long as we clench so tightly on to what we believe to be right. And we push our partner so much every single day with what we say and what we think they should be doing. Instead, we are pushing them away, and further away to being the man that you actually want him to be. And so apply all these tips, right? And then you can actually see a massive difference between you and your partner, especially in your connection, your intimacy, and his desire to actually be with you, again.

Jachym: Now, I think is really important. What, what do you just said, because when you are getting into this controlling behavior, and you add perfectionism into it, you add nagging and blaming into it, it really becomes a very potent cocktail. Now, I do want to mention as well that it doesn’t mean that in all areas of your life, you shouldn’t say anything, he should always take the lead in absolutely everything. No, that’s not really the case. Like in our relationship, I know exactly that Natasha is perfect with the household, her brain is way more organized than mine. 

And she runs the household super smooth, and it really benefits the relationship. Now, if I will be like, Oh, well, you know, I need to step up as demand and I need to do all of that I would do us a disfavor, I would not I will not serve the relationship because I would do something pretending like I’m you know, I’m the big man and whatever and actually screw things up. Because I’m not as adept at doing it. And so letting your husband lead or even if your husband is listening to this, being a leader actually means that you are taking into account all the strengths that your team has, right. 

And so you have valuable skills that are useful for the relationship and that he can do. And it is useful for you to lead in that particular area because it is actually wholesome for both of you the differences that you will lead, you don’t try to control because trying to control as a contraction, try leading just means that look, Natasha is taking the lead in the household. She’s like, Look, these are the things that we need to get done. And then we do it. And she’s leading me as a team member who can contribute to that vision of the household, which is very different of like, do exactly this way in that way in, in this step and that step at this time, which is that that’s not leading, that’s micromanaging. Right. So if you do have areas where you know, you’re more adept at doing something, you have a better brain for it take on the role as a leader, rather than reverting into controlling.

Natasha: That is exactly why the moment you can stop being controlling wife, you and your partner can become a team again, you can really become a unit, a loving unit where you know that whatever you’re good at, he gives you the space to be and to do and to guide him. And whatever he’s amazing. Not only do you see it, but he can be that for you. And it created a space for you to relax, finally, and not have to do it all not have to perform not to have to do it all, and not have to do it for him by showing him what he needs to do. Right. 

So I hope that this episode has given you many practical tips, food for thought thinks to rethink we evaluate and to actually make a list of Okay, maybe it’s not only my relationship where I’m really type A where I really try to control and, and do everything and get everything right. And not just me but my team at work. Not just me but my partner, you know, and it’s okay, it’s a good starting point. If you find this very overwhelming because it’s become a pattern that you’ve just, you know, have leaned upon to try to get things your way for years now or for enough months that it just feels like you’ve had enough And you’re tired of being at odds with your partner you’re tired of, I don’t know, learning something here and there trying to apply it to your relationship, which is not seeing the results, then I really highly encourage you to head over to your exceptional relationship dot com forward slash cherished. And there, we actually break down exactly what we do and how we help woman like you to let go for once and let your man be there for you. 

And how you can stop being a controlling wife, and make him happy. He’s really, really, really happy again, not because you’ve given up but because you’ve provided a space for your partner to finally show up for you. And that space has no controlling on your side, there might be some guidance and leadership on your side to kind of get things going in the right direction for your marriage, but you’re not there to control him as a child as a thing to manage anymore. So we hope that you enjoy this episode if you want to get your hands onto the transcript and the show notes. As always, you can always head to your exceptional relationship dot com forward slash 29, just a numbers two nine. And then you can find all the details and any relevant links that we have mentioned there. Now for the next episode, I think Jachym has something for you that he’ll be I guess, sharing with you by himself.

Jachym: Right. In the next episode, we will be looking at what are the impacts on your husband or on a man when you are controlling and unpacking that maybe that will give you more motivation as well to really change this behavior and find your way again, into something that’s more wholesome for you and your partner.

Natasha: Because a lot of the times we as women, we want to, you know, do what we want and, and we just wish that our partner would open up and just tell us that he doesn’t like it. If he doesn’t like it, why doesn’t he just tell me? Well, if your partner’s not quite there, your communication is not quite there, then he’s not going to tell you honestly how your controlling behavior impacts him. So if you want to know maybe what’s happening in your guy’s head, how this could be impacting him what he might be going through, and what he might need from you. If you’re being so controlling, then make sure to tune in into our next episode. So until then.

Jachym: Take care. Bye-bye

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