[EP28] Why Am I Controlling In My Relationship

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What Episode 28 Is About:

For us wives, we often have this unconscious desire to control every single aspect of our husbands’ lives. I am guilty of placing myself in a position of superiority in our marriage wherein almost everything he did was wrong. 

I was unconsciously killing off the intimacy in our marriage. But the question that I found so hard to answer is, ‘Why am I controlling in my relationship?’

Join me as I explore the underlying reasons why women become controlling in their marriage. Ignite a healthier dynamic with your husband by making a shift from ‘I’ to ‘We’.  

Show-Notes:

  • Why am I controlling in my relationship?
  • Why controlling happens in relationships?
  • Why do I want to control my partner?
  • Effects of controlling in a relationship

Resources Mentioned:

Transcript

 

Welcome back to another episode of The Awakened Wife podcast. I’m Natasha Koo, and you’re lucky to be just with me today. On this episode, we’re actually going to be exploring, why am I being controlling in my relationship or why controlling happens within a marriage or relationships, make sure to listen to Episode 27, the man cave by him, wherein in the previous episode, he broke down the 11 signs that you’re controlling wife, because the first step is to actually realize, okay, is there some form of control, controlling behavior that I’m exhibiting or that’s happening within my marriage. And once you do kind of troubleshoot that and you realize, okay, there, there are some red flags, there are things I’ve missed, there’s controlling happening without me realizing it, then you can better understand this topic. So make sure if you didn’t listen to the previous episode, then you can, it’s Episode 27. 

Now for this episode, if you want to get the show notes, make sure to always head over to your exceptional relationship comm for slash 28. And the resources we I cover or mention, you can get there at the show notes along with this transcript. So for today, let’s dive into it. Why this controlling behavior happened within relationships, a lot of the times this is absolutely unconscious, we are unaware that we are doing this to our partner, or that it’s even happening. Now for me, I do have, I wouldn’t say a background, but, I relate to this topic. Why? Because I grew up in a household where the dynamic between my mom and dad, their dynamic was where my mom was highly, highly controlling. So there’s lots of, you know, I guess bickering and nagging and comments and criticism, like just lots of input constantly from my mom to my dad about how he should be what he should do and all that. So I actually grew up in this, I guess, family, or under the parenting where the female had this very overbearing energy over the male, but I guess the husband in this case, so I grew up with that. And it wasn’t necessarily a nice, okay for anyone to experience. 

And when I grew up in that kind of dynamic, I just thought, Well, my dad’s a bit passive, my mom, I guess this has to take the reins, someone’s gonna wear the pants and, and take the lead and do it all. But over time as an adult, only then did I realize that you know, being controlling doesn’t actually mean that there’s leadership, or that, you know, you have more power, not necessarily. So let’s break down the reasons why someone would want to kind of have control, either have more control over their relationship or be controlling within a relationship. Now, for this episode, I’m not really getting into such a topic that I mean, where you’re like, you know, abusing, or you’re controlling your partner to the point where, you know, they can make decisions for themselves, we’re talking about just this dynamic that happens often very, very often between couples, where one person in within this power dynamic seems to have the upper hand and seems to constantly give feedback to the other spouse. Now, now that you know how I grew up over in what kind of environment what kind of control the environment I grew up in. 

How that actually played out within my relationship with Jachym is that once we went and gone, got over the honeymoon phase, we had to do real life, right? We moved in, we got married and all that. So At which point, I started to become more and more controlling. And I didn’t realize this and at the beginning of this episode, I already mentioned that a lot of hide is controlling behavior is unknown to us. Right. And that’s what the reason why he actually recorded a previous episode where he bought under 11 science because we’re just so blind to it.

And I was too. Over time, I realized that I was contrary rolling in a way where I was trying to manage him, he’s my husband, I don’t know why, but I was managing him, I would tell him how to eat his toes. And what setting to put it on how to prepare our dining room table, how to fix this color, what he should say, when friends come over how to prepare things. So it was as if I wanted this grasp or every single aspect of his life. 

And I felt like I was in the right where I was in the position to actually tell him, whatever I wanted to, and that, from that place, I didn’t know it then. But I came from this righteous place where whatever he did was probably wrong. And whatever I wanted to say, would better his life or would, would improve his life and improve his situation. And, and I was there to guide him, right, I was there to contribute and give my feedback and tell him what to do and how to do it. But doesn’t that sound exhausting? Well, it absolutely was. Because for a man to feel like they’re being suffocated by a woman who may be their intention is to be nurturing, that is suffocating, that is really suffocating. And it demoralizes the man, it makes him feel like you don’t trust him and gives you this awful dynamic where you’re like, mother and son. And that’s the last thing that you want with your partner, isn’t it, especially if you want the intimacy and that love and that spark going, you don’t want that. 

So that’s the reason why I want to really break it down and tell you the reasons why I was, you know, being controlling without even realizing it. One, there are three reasons I want to share with you. But the number, the first one is that I am so used to being this high performer, this perfectionist that the moment I identified something I wanted, I just tried and tried to get it, you know, I go for it. Now, this mode of working is actually quite masculine with his energy in his direction and the projection into the world. But it doesn’t necessarily work with them, the dynamic between you and your partner necessarily within the home. Now, this is something that, you know, brought me great results and helped me perform and be efficient and productive at work and to organize my life and organize myself. 

But this mode of operating, where you’re just out there to get what you want, without really trying to keep the other person’s I guess opinion, feelings, emotions, you know, not giving room for any other person, but your goal that can really lead you to becoming very controlling, because you just want to do what you want, right? And you’ve already identified that you don’t want to consult someone else, you don’t want to listen to other people. So you’re just doing it. But when we’re so used to operating in this way, it’s quite harmful to the dynamic between you and your partner. It brings in this rigidity. And this toughness, right is very masculine energy that actually repels men away from you. And it makes your man not want to step up at all. Because you’ve taken that position of you know exactly what to do, and you don’t really need him. So what is he doing there? Other than the one who needs your feedback, right? So this mode of operating in the world, it’s very masculine type of energy, where Hey, it’s super useful, this go-getter energy, but if we’re stuck there and we don’t know how to turn it off, or move in a fluid, feminine, you know, like where you just are actually present. You’re listening you’re aware you’re being with your partner. Yes, you can still get things done but you know, you’re here to be with him not to get your way you know, then that is a much healthier way of going about it but so many of us women are really stuck and we don’t know how to turn it off. 

For so good. oriented, we want to be organized, we want to know what’s going on, we want to know the details, we want to be the one in charge, that this can come within the home, and actually go between you and your partner. So that’s the first reason why controlling behavior really happens within the relationship because you’re used to that used to doing this and operating this way in the world. Now, the second reason is that you know, deep down, the relationship has started to deteriorate. And you know, you and your partner may not be on the best terms. And unlike at the very beginning of the relationship, now, maybe there are some hurtful things done and whatever conflicts you might be having. You’re at a point where you’re finding it hard to trust and to lean on to your partner. 

Now, I know this for myself, too. Yeah. Because when I was being the most controlling, within our relationship within our marriage, that was the time where I really doubt it. Yeah, him. Why, because so much hurtful things had happened between us that were completely unresolved, that were just dangling there that that was, you know, the elephant in the room, things we didn’t know how to fix. And it was just lingering always, between us. And all of this gunk, all this negative stuff that was never addressed. And we tried to talk about it but was still there still stuck, you know, within our marriage. All this pent-up stuff got in between me and my partner between me and him. And because there were so many undigested emotions from all of that, to that, it kind of made me build a wall, you know, build up a wall, like, Yes, I love Yeah, him, yes, I trust him, but not fully, you know, because he’s hurt me before. Or we’ve done things that, you know, it’s just not nice to one another. 

And from there, you know, having not worked at out for many years. In fact, it led me to a place where I didn’t trust my husband fully, I didn’t want to trust him fully. Because we weren’t clear with one another. We tried to, you know, and this is until we were with a professional and really figured out our own way of how relationships can actually thrive and be healthy and be free of all this, you know, arguments and fights and topics that are sticky. Until we got to that point, we accumulated so many unpleasant interactions between the two of us, it could be the smallest thing like, you know, I make a passive-aggressive comment towards him, or it could be a little nag, a bear or, but you know, I’m starting to see him in a different light. When I went when I stuck in this place. I saw him as useless. I saw him as someone who to know what was going on someone who needed me to tell him what to do. And, you know, so if you look at your partner in this way, then, of course, you don’t want to fully trust them. And when you don’t trust someone fully, why, why why would you trust them to, you know, lead the relationship, for example. 

So then you take on the task, and you say, Okay, well, you know, since I can’t lean on you, and since you hurt me before, and since, you know, you’ve let me down in this way, I’m just gonna do it all. And that’s the second reason why women start to become controlling within the relationship in a way it’s as if all the past hurts, have pushed you to give up on your partner. Yeah. And when you give up on your partner, you don’t want to trust them. So who can you trust in a relationship then yourself. So you end up being that controlling person as you want it, bring in the reins, and you want to be the one on top to do it all so that you can try to control any future situation or interaction within your relationship so that you don’t get hurt again. Right? So you’re trying to get things right but all on your own, which is an extremely lonely process. So that’s the second reason that you know there’s been past hurts and past issues within your relationship accumulated to the point where it has really changed how you view your partner now. 

And now that you see him, as someone who hurts you or has done wrong, or who has disappointed you, or whatever it might be, or incapable, well, now, you’re pretty much going well, I can’t trust Him, can I, so I’m gonna have to do it all. And this just pulls you into that controlling energy, where you’re just, you know, probably from fear really trying to regain control. Not by it works. But you’re trying, right. Now, the third reason is, is interesting, because it’s an expansion of the one that I just talked about. It’s about the dynamic between you and your partner. So in a similar way, things have gone wrong, maybe subtly, or quite dramatically, within your marriage. And now, you’re finding it hard to be a team together. So first, I mean, the reason earlier, it’s really about how you are viewing your partner, right? And how you’re like, Well, why should I trust Him and His judgment and what he’s doing, it’s more about him, so you bring it back to you. Now, for this last reason. 

The third reason is because you and your partner at are at a point where you truly are no longer a team. Yeah, when you don’t operate as a team, you don’t share common vision for your relationship, you’re not bonded and united together within your marriage, due to whatever reason, right? It could be slow deterioration could be growing apart, it could be miscommunication, or unresolved conflict, whatever it might be, yeah, we’re lack of intimacy that’s built up over time, and that’s gotten frustrating, but ever it might be that has really negatively impacted you and your partner can’t get over it. So it’s hard for you to work together now. And when you don’t work and bond together as a team, the dynamic is truly I guess, disintegrated, you know, the dynamic is ruined to a point where, you know, you can’t depend on him, and you got to take control. 

So again, this is another reason where you’re trying to salvage things, right, they give you notice is that you know, these two last, these last two reasons, you’re trying to salvage your relationship by being controlling, but when in fact, you know, being controlling is almost like a symptom of things not going quite right in the relationship in the first place. And more than anything, it will perpetuate the negativity and the things that don’t necessarily work within your relationship. So this third reason, the year of why controlling happens in relationships and in marriages, is really because there’s so much stuff going on, that you can’t quite work out, that is hindering you and your partner from becoming a true team together. And I know a lot of you listening, you know, you don’t want to give up on your marriage, you don’t want to give up on your partner. 

But sometimes I feel like you’re not connected anymore, right? You’re not a team anymore. And this is something that we help women within our Cherished Wife Program, or our signature coaching program with because so many women have actually gotten to the point where they really don’t fully trust her husband anymore. And also they’re used to that masculine, you know, getting things done type of mode of operating at work and in life. And also, their relationship is at a point where, you know, they’re dynamic, it just almost feels impossible to bond at a team, it actually means that you understand one another, you’re here together and you’re facing in the same direction. Right? 

And that feels like a thing of yesterday or too many days ago, definitely not yesterday. So if you’re stuck in this place, then definitely know that, hey, this is the exact thing that we help people work through. Because these are these three, you know, I guess, reasons why people end up being controlling relationships. It’s, it’s, it’s across the board the same. There’s nothing special about what you’re going through because so many people go through it, and so many people don’t actually know the way out of it. Which we’re gonna be covering next episode on episode 29, how to stop being a controlling wife. But for now, know that these reasons are absolute universal. When we feel hurt when we feel let down when things don’t feel good anymore, we’ll do everything we can and know to try to fix things, whether it works or not. And a lot of times, you know, if things, if the strategy that you’re applying right now did work, then you know, your relationship and your marriage would be much better, right? Are we in a better place by now? 

But most likely, it’s not. So if you need, you know, extra help, know that this is exactly why we’re here. And so if you want to check out how we work, and what you absolutely get when you get coaching from us, then make sure to head over to your exceptional relationship.com for slash cherished. So now that I’ve covered the three reasons, you can actually with me move on to the question that I received this week regarding this topic, which is a really brilliant question, it affects what are the effects of controlling in a relationship or a marriage. Now, let me tell you, I went through this, okay, I saw how the more controlling I was being with him, the more it pushed him away, the more he wanted to just not be there to be with someone else who wasn’t being controlling for once. And I mean, who wants to be around someone who is controlling, you know, and if, if you haven’t realized by now, a lot of us control from a hurt place. You know, we’re trying to fix things, we’re trying to make things better, even though this isn’t the right way of going about it. 

But the effects is that it actually continues to hurt your partner. So whatever wasn’t going so well, to begin with, this mechanism. Sometimes it’s defensive, sometimes for our own protection, sometimes it’s because our of our fears, this pattern of being it really, really doesn’t pull your partner back towards you. More than anything, it really brings you in into two camps, it disconnects you, it does not turn your partner on. It makes them feel like, this is the last thing I want from my wife, you know, and where’s the trust? And where’s the love, and where’s the part where you believe in me, and where’s the part of you who fell in love with me. So it really takes you far, far away from that beautiful, nourishing, rich dynamic that you might have had when you first met. And those are the reasons why you know, you first wanted to get married and be together. 

Because when it comes to, you know, two people who are meant to be together or if you feel like, you know, your partner is your soulmate, but like, Why are things so awful? And why am I you know, controlling him day in day out and making all these comments and I can’t help myself. It’s, it’s a big difference, right? from how you were at the beginning to how you’re being now together. And that is going to impact how he feels towards you, and how he feels towards a relationship. From what I know, a lot of people do have a breaking point.

So for him, there literally was it was a breaking point for him, where he was so tired of me telling him what to do and of my controlling behavior that he had to have that very uncomfortable conversation with me about how my behavior was just so hurtful was so rude was so not okay. It took a lot out of him for a man to actually say that and to, for him to realize and put it together and to actually say it to me, you know? Now, here’s my advice is to not wait or get to that point where the controlling behavior literally breaks your partner down. And if you feel like they’re too tight to you know, hold stuff in has trouble voicing their emotions or getting into their emotions, they’re not the type to, you know, bring issues onto the table and have an open discussion about it, then it’s just being pent up within your partner until they can’t handle it anymore. 

Now, that is the ultimate effect of being controlling in the relationship, you’re literally putting this wedge in between you and your partner more and more until you push them away so far beyond what is comfortable for them and beyond their boundaries in their comfort zone that they literally want to leave. Right, they literally want to leave and they want to be with someone who does not control them. So that could be the actual, you know, effect that being controlling has on your relationship. And I mean, I was lucky enough that your image gave me that feedback, because maybe just like you, I was completely unaware of what I was doing and why. So I hope that in this episode, I was able to break down the three reasons. And man, are they really common. 

So don’t feel like, you know, you’re the only one struggling with this issue out there. Because it’s a pretty common sign when things start to go awry. And within your relationship, it’s it starts to show as a symptom, that, you know, there are some things to repair, and to make better within your marriage. So I hope that those three reasons gave you a bit more clarity, and could help you reflect upon your specific situation. And, yeah, I don’t want to sugarcoat it, effects of being controlling in a relationship is just absolutely demoralizing. For men. It’s terrible. It’s the last thing they want to have in their life. And if that’s what they’re coming home to, then, of course, you know, he will show up differently. 

He doesn’t want to be there, he won’t prioritize you, he won’t treat you the way that you want to be treated right? Now, the good thing is that, hey, there’s an absolute way to actually work on this and to get, just bring yourself out of, you know, this her in this fear and this mode of operating. I know for me, I did it for like years, I was being controlling towards him for years, right. But you can actually change all this. And you don’t have to do it. 

Because it’s really not nice. I know it’s really not nice. It’s, it feels tense, it makes me angry, it makes me irritated it. It’s, it feels stressful to be controlling. So if you don’t actually want to experience all that, if this is not for you, and you want to save your marriage from getting even worse, in terms of this dynamic, then please make sure to reach out to help I know that we can, you can join our program. If spots are available still. You can check that out at your exceptional relationship.com forge slash cherished. 

So those are my words to you today. Know that hey, yeah, this happens, this happens. Reason is make mistakes. Sometimes we get stuck in this, I guess dynamic and this way of being this way of communicating way of trying to fix and deal with things but they’re much better ways to actually go about repairing and loving one another again. 

So thanks for joining me today and make sure if you haven’t already, share this episode with those who you love who could really need it. And make sure to tune in to the episode before Episode 27 where Jachym broke down to 11 science why you are being a controlling wife. And on the next episode, make sure to tune in because we’re going to be covering how to stop being and controlling way. So thanks for joining me and I’ll talk to you soon.

 

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