What Episode 27 Is About:
When the power dynamic is out of whack, it leads to husbands becoming distant, quiet, and disinterested in intimacy. In the worst case, it can even lead to resentment and divorce.
Know whether your idea of a perfect wife has turned into his worst nightmare- a controlling wife.
You can turn your relationship around before you break your husband completely. Find out what toxic behaviors might be jeopardizing your marriage by tuning in to this special mancave episode.
- How to know if you’re controlling your husband or not
- What are the various signs that you’re a controlling wife
Welcome back to another episode of The Awakened Wife Podcast. I am Jachym Jerie from your exceptional relationship.com. So what are we looking at today? Today we are diving into the signs that you are controlling wife? And how come we are doing this episode? Well, you are in a relationship and your husband may have mentioned to you that you’re controlling. And you may think, well, I am not so sure about that, is that really true? Or you may have a feeling that you’re a bit controlling? And you want to look at it and see, is it really true that this is the case. And so today, we’ll be looking at the various signs that you may exhibit from being controlling wife, I have had the pleasure myself to experience some of them through my wife as well. And so I’m very much aware of what the signs are that you’re controlling.
Now, in the next episode, we are actually going to look at why you are controlling, like what’s actually driving it because, like any behavior, it is not just negative, he may be negative in its impact. However, it probably has a positive intention. Most behaviors have a positive intention. However, the way we execute on the intention is leading to a negative outcome. And so when I say, you know, being controlling why if it has a negative connotation, it may feel like almost like criticism or something that needs bad that you’re doing. And while Yes, it’s true that it can negatively impact your relationship, there is also a positive intention behind it. And you can find a way to honor that intention without having a negative impact on the relationship. Okay. So without further ado, let’s dive into the signs that you’re controlling wife. The very first sign is that you believe that you know what’s best for your husband?
Now, you may think, well, well, I do you know, I know him, Well, I can see his bad behaviors, I know what’s best for him, I know if you would just change this or that he would be better. And so again, it can, it can this can look like Well, I have the best intentions. For my spouse, I know what’s best for him. However, it is also disempowering for your husband, because you’re basically saying, I know better than him, what’s good for him. So you are superior to him, You are the one who is leading his life and who has to interfere and intervene in his life so that he’s doing well. But here’s the thing, when you do that, and you have the idea, I know what’s best for him.
And you act on that you have created the power imbalance that’s usually there between parent and child. So he feels inferior, and you feel superior, and you’re his guardian, and you need to take care of him in you to tell him what he needs to do. So the idea, I know what’s best for my husband may look on the surface like, well, I care for him and I want to make sure that he does you know the best and that he is his best. And I tell him what to do that it is a positive thing to do. However, when you look at it closer it you have to be very careful with the idea and how you’re going to communicate them if you actually want to give input. Okay, so that’s the very first sign that you may be a controlling wife. Now let’s go to the second one, the second one can follow on to the first one, but it’s a standalone by itself as well.
And that is that you’re very quick to criticize your husband, oh, you’re doing this wrong. Oh, you’re doing that wrong. This is how you should wash the dishes. Or this is how you should hang the laundry. And why is this controlling? Well, because you have a very clear idea of how you want things to be done. And he’s not complying to those ideas and you have to tell him that he’s not doing it right and he has to change so he does it right. So you’re basically taking charge of the situation. Now if this is agreed upon, for example, I am perfectly aware that Natasha is much more Trouble in the household. She has a fantastic organizational brain. And I tell her look, you tell me what to do how to do it because you do it amazing. You have your systems, I like it. Let’s do it this way. That’s an agreement. And when she tells me, Look, I want to have this done. And that done, we can always discuss it still. But like, there is a clear way that we’re doing it that is not coming from a place that she just herself has decided, well, I just know what’s best in the household, and he has to follow what I’m doing.
You see, so having criticism and constantly criticizing him is definitely a sign of being controlling. Now, whether you’re controlling or not, is may still be a different question. However, for your husband, or your for your spouse, he will take it as being controlling, especially when you’re constantly on his back and telling him what to do and what not to do. Okay, so let’s move on to the next. The next one is that you feel the need to snoop around. Now, it almost seems like this is mainstream like you walked some talk show off some star or something. And they’re like, yeah, I totally Snoop in my partner’s phone. But that is actually a sign of distrust. And from the distrust comes the desire for control. So I don’t trust him signing to control that he’s not doing anything nasty, or shady, or something that I would disagree with.
And the problem with that is, is that the foundation of your relationship is in jeopardy because it is built on trust. And if you’re not trusting your husband, you’re better off communicating that to him. And working on building that trust together again, rather than going behind his back, trying to look whether he’s doing something bad or not. Now, again, the behavior of snooping can have a positive intention, like trying to protect yourself. And at the same time, it’s destructive, it’s destructive for your husband, he finds out that you’re snooping behind his back, you’re checking his phone, he’s going to feel disrespected, and this trusted, and that can be very hurtful for him. I actually had a client once who mentioned it to her husband that just done they’re not actually she got caught. And he it’s really put the relationship in jeopardy. Because he’s like, Wow, you really don’t trust me. And for a man, it’s really important to know that his woman trusts that she’s going to follow his lead, that she accepts him as his hero as her hero. How can you? How can he fill that role when you have to snoop around behind his back?
He can’t. Because you’re actually withdrawing. You’re withdrawing into control. Now with the snooping, the next one, which is in a similar direction, is the desire that you asked him to tell you absolutely everything about his day and where he was and what he did. Now wanting to be in the known what your spouse does, I think is very harmless. And totally acceptable. However, when it’s coming from this insecure place of I need to know so that I’m okay. And I need to know so that he’s, I have the control that he’s not going to do something out of bound. Then again, it’s coming back to control and that energy is going to carry into the relationship.
So when you’re questioning him about his day, and you’re doing it from this insecure place. He’s going to pick up on it, he’s going to be like, why are you asking all those questions? Like what’s going on? you asking why? Okay, so you went to lunch? Okay, with whom? And what did you talk about? And all of this, like, it is not that you ask it is how you ask when you’re coming from a place of being generally genuinely interested. When you’re genuinely interested. He has a very different quality to question than when it’s trying to test your husband like Okay, so what did you do? And so you can ask away, you can be curious, you can do all of that. It’s very harmless.
But do watch out. Where are you coming from? Are you coming from the place of trying to make sure that you’re safe trying to make sure that nothing is happening that would potentially hurt you because again, that is going to lead controlling to controlling behavior. And it’s definitely a sign that you may already be there. Now, the next one is an interesting one. And I was wondering whether I should bring it in to this conversation. But I do believe that there is an aspect of it, that’s useful. And that is that you’re always blaming your husband. Now, again, with blame, you can have blaming your spouse, and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with control. However, it can also be a way of emotionally manipulating your spouse, so you’re blaming him so that he’s going to take more responsibility. Right.
And then again, it becomes a controlling behavior towards him towards his emotions towards getting him into a certain mind, state, and an emotional state. That then is, you know, more malleable for you to get what you want. So I’m blaming him, he feels mad, and then I get what I want. See, so blame in itself, can be bought can be also you’re blaming him because you don’t want to take responsibility. And there’s not as much to do with control, but he can also tip towards being controlling. Which brings us to the next point, which is that you’re trying to manipulate him, okay, so you want something and your husband is resistant, and you find a way to get your way. That’s how that’s controlling behavior. Now, you may do it in various ways you can do it through going to a friend and telling your friend that she should talk to your husband, either directly, or that she should talk in front of your husband about what her husband is doing for her so that your husband is going to listen.
You see, again, that’s reasserting control in a sneaky way. You’re going around his back, trying to make it happen so that you have what you want. And that’s ultimately what control really is about, you want to have what you want, and you are doing whatever it takes to get it. So manipulating him in various ways, whether it’s behind his back through friends, whether it is through emotional blackmail, right, that you are actually throwing a tantrum, for example, so that he’s going to do what you want him to do, that behavior that you want him to do. That is all-controlling behavior. It’s all manipulation in a way. And especially with those emotional tantrums or emotional blackmail. It is all about the intention.
So let’s say he doesn’t do something and you feel hurt, and you’re expressing that hurt. You’re not emotionally blackmailing him, you’re not trying to make him do something, you are coming to him being vulnerable with an open heart and showing what his actions have stirred up in you. And that gives him feedback. But it is not coming from the place of I’m trying to control him. It is coming from a place of being open. It is coming from a place of sharing, it is of coming from a place of vulnerability, which takes courage. Okay, that’s very different than when you’re using your emotions, to make sure that he changes and that he’s doing something different. One of them, the one where you being vulnerable, you are actually just displaying what has happened to you the other one, you’re using your emotions to make a change happen in him. Okay, and people do that they amp up their emotion, just so that he is going to feel bad. And that’s a very different intention.
That’s a very different way of being together. Now the next one is quite obvious it is you’re trying to train him now on level, we are always training our surroundings to how they are supposed to react to us. And so it has actually, it’s actually hard not to do because your response is gonna elicit another response in your partner. So for example, you want your husband to do more things, and you’re praising these things because that’s what feels good to you. You may look at it, like, oh, I’m training him. And you are. But it is not coming from a place of, I have to control him. You see, when you’re showing appreciation and gratitude, from your heart for something that lights you up, you’re coming from an open space, and you’re showing was amazing, or when you’re displeased, and you’re coming from that, again, with no open heart and vulnerably showing that to him, you’re coming from a different place than where control originates from. Because when someone is controlling, they actually have a closed heart because they’re trying to protect themselves.
And so when you’re training your husband in quotes, from a closed heart space, you’re, you have to fake the appreciation, you have to pretend like you appreciate because you don’t really feel it when you’re closed hearted. And so that’s why sometimes it’s not as easy to be clear-cut with these kinds of signs because it often depends from what place you’re coming from. Or you can see a woman throwing an emotional tantrum in quotes. And she’s actually in a very open-hearted, vulnerable space. And that has nothing to do with being controlling. And you can see a woman using her emotions, to make sure that he’s doing something different, she’s actually coming from a closed heart space, and she’s trying to protect herself, you can see a woman appreciating her husband, we’re in flow with an open heart. And you can see a woman using appreciation so that he does more of what she wants, but it’s coming from a closed heart space.
They are, they may look on the surface like the same, but energetically, they are very different. And your husband picks up on that. We all pick up on that at some level, even if we are not consciously aware of it. And so if you really want to know, well, am I controlling or not controlling check where you’re coming from, that’s a lot more reliable than listening or reading all the various signs that make you into a controlling wife. Because the behaviors, and that’s literally what really the signs are are certain kinds of behaviors. They do not matter as much as from what place you’re coming from. So if you’re feeling yourself, very insecure, and from that space, you’re then taking action and taking you know, for example, checking his phone. That’s very different than when you’re coming from a place of I think something is not right. That’s your intuition. That says something is not right, I have to do something about it.
Now, I personally am still not fond of the idea of checking people’s phones. But I’m sure they will be a place in time for it as there is for most things. I personally would look for conversation with your spouse. But do you see that you need to feel into your body and need to be honest with yourself and see what’s driving your behavior? Is it driving because you want security? Is it driving? Because you need to have something a certain way? Is it coming from a closed heart space? Or is it coming from an open body and heart space? Where is it coming from? And it makes a world of difference to how that behavior is received? Depending on how or what place it’s coming from. Now back to the signs.
Well, there’s another one, which is interesting, and that is that you’re not actually hearing him out. You’re not giving him a chance. Now, why is that controlling behavior is controlling behavior because you are not going to change your position because you’re blocking out any information. My proof to be contradictory to what you believe. And so you are just sidestepping whatever opinion your husband has. And you’re sticking with what you think is right. So not hearing him out, is a way of maintaining control. Because information can change the way you see something. But if you don’t want to have your opinion changed, if you don’t want a way for, you just block out our opinions out and you block your husband out. Now, it’s also an effective way to shut down communication.
When you don’t hear someone out, you’re not together in it, which is something that’s needed for being controlling, it’s not about doing it together, it’s about doing it yourself. And so shutting down communication is a good way of staying in the place of it being about you and not about us. So notice, when are you shutting down conversations? When are you not hearing him out? That may be a sign of wanting to reassert control. And since we are on the topic of communication, and another way that this you can maintain control is to ignore or make fun of his point of view, saying, well, that’s just not true. Again, so you’re just discounting him? What will happen when you just discount him the same thing, you’re staying in control of the situation. And he’s not heard. He’s not understood, and he’s not part of a conversation, it’s just your way. So the way that you’re communicating, can say a lot about wanting control. And so ridicule, and not listening, ignoring, shutting down conversations, they are all fantastic tools for maintaining control and destroying the relationship in the long run, because a relationship is about us, and not about just me, and the control I want to have.
So just notice that when you are in conversation with your spouse, how is he? or How are you behaving in that situation? How much are you actually listening to him? And how much are you defending? How defensive Are you getting? And how much are you trying to correct him and tell him? Well, that’s not what I meant. Now, there’s a certain time to be, you know, letting the person know, I actually did not mean what you heard, I that’s not what I was saying at all. There’s a place for that. And if it’s coming from a place of being defensive, then it’s a different story, then you’re defending yourself and what are you defending, defending your control? So again, you can come back to what place are you coming from? defensiveness feels very different in your body than wanting to let your partner know Oh, actually, honey, I do not mean it this way. You see, that’s coming from a compassionate place to clear up a misunderstanding, while the other one comes from a defense and you can feel it in your body contracts. Your heart is being blocked. And so you are effectively reasserting control. And so this goes down further rabbit hole, which is another sign off of being controlling is your inability to forgive.
So, when you’re not forgiving someone, you may think that you’re punishing them. Or you’re not letting them get away so easily. Which again, what does it point to that control right there. But not forgiving is actually punishing yourself because you’re the one who’s carrying it around. You’re the one who is displeased and keeps being displeased and not forgiving. Again, if it’s coming from a place of I want him to feel sorry and I want to make that he makes up for that. He does, you know, bends backward for me. It really can be a way of Wanting control. Because you know, as long as you haven’t forgiven him, he’s going to do anything for you. So if you’re using that we’re back in control. Right?
Now, just to foreshadow a little bit for the next episode, the effects of control is quite devastating on a relationship because it keeps reasserting a power imbalance. Now there’s a healthy power imbalance that’s freely given. For example, I’m saying to Natasha, look, you tell me what to do in the household, please instruct me. You can say there’s a power imbalance right now when I say that she’s in control. However, it’s consensual. And it feels right. To me, it feels right to her. However, most of the time, controlling behavior, not most acts pretty much every time when is perceived as controlling behavior. It is not consensual. And that means your spouse or husband is going to feel disempowered. Because he feels that he needs he keeps being controlled by you.
So he’s your son, basically, he’s your boy. And so as the more he’s in his boy energy, the more you feel like you have to control how many becomes a vicious cycle. But more on that in the in in the following episodes as we dive deeper into this topic. Like always, if you want to find more about us, head over to your exceptional relationship comm if you are tired of being in a relationship, that’s dissatisfying where you feel neglected, where you feel like you’re not the priority anymore, where the sex has gone out the window and you’re arguing all the time, then head over to your exceptional relationship.com forward slash cherished. And you can look at what we have to offer you because we work with women like you to restore the relationship and make it better than the honeymoon, make it something that they love to wake up to say that they feel like they’re the luckiest girl on the planet to have this kind of relationship. If that’s an interest to you, then head over to that.
Now, if you’re curious, well, I got the signs, I got the distinction between close-heartedness and open-heartedness. I know about checking in with myself, but maybe you’re not quite sure about your communication and how this behavior has impacted your communication. Then you can head over to your exceptional relationship calm for slash, understand, where you can take a free quiz and you can look at where your where your communication is that what needs improvement in this area, it’s a fun little assessment that you can get and that will get you more clarity in your relationship and where your communication is currently at. With that, oh, as always, I forgot. As always, you can head over to your exceptional relationship.com forward slash 27. That’s the number 27. To access the show notes find the resources, find the transcript that I’ve mentioned in here. And with that, I do want to wrap it up. Thank you very much for your attention and I am looking forward to hearing from you. Take care.