[EP2] 5 Ground Rules- How To Talk To Your Husband About Your Marriage

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What Episode 2 Is About:

What’s the difference between communication that breaks a marriage and communication that brings you and your partner closer together?

Stop the communication cycle where your husband gets defensive, unresponsive or dismissive every time you talk about your marriage.

Show-Notes:

  • The 5 ground rules for healthy communication
  • What makes your husband ‘get you’ vs. argue with you

Resources Mentioned:

Want more marriage saving practical tips and guide? Head over our Cherished Wife Program and secure your spot to become a Cherished Wife today.

You can also take our quiz below to check whether you have unconscious negative communication that we brought up in the episode.

Missed our previous podcast episode? Click here to learn how you can establish a talking routine and avoid common communication mistakes that wives make. 

Do You Make These Relationship Mistakes?


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Transcript:

Natasha: Hi, I’m Natasha. 

Jachym: And I’m Jachym. 

Natasha: Welcome back to another episode of the Awakened Wife podcast. Today, we’re going to revisit how can you talk to your husband about your marriage? But today, how you can actually do it successfully, get your point across so that he listens, he understands you, and actually gets somewhere. Because let’s be honest, when we bring up certain topics in our marriage or in our relationship, it could go in the wrong direction. It could lead to more arguments. It could lead to fights. He could stop start acting defensive. It could go awry. So how do we avoid that? And what could you do? And actually, we’re going to be covering five ground rules so that you can succeed in this conversation. 

Jachym: And at the end, I’m including a bonus ground rule. So listen, all the way to the end. 

Natasha: Today we’re going to be talking about how to talk to your husband or partner about your marriage so that you can actually get your point across- so that you can it can actually go somewhere, this conversation, because as you know, you know, communication is important in a relationship. And depending on how you speak to one another and depending on how the conversation goes, it can break your marriage, or it can actually benefit your marriage. There are two scenarios that or two directions that this whole thing can go in. 

Jachym: All right. Well, let’s get started. Yeah. 

Natasha: For us, I mean, I would say that even though we try to have really good communication within our relationship because at the very beginning, we had to do long distance for a long, long time. So we definitely talked a lot. 

Jachym: Right. 

Natasha: Um, but then when it came to certain topics or when it came to serious topics, sometimes it was quite difficult- I think especially difficult for me. You had less of a problem talking about, I guess, deep stuff reflecting on the relationship. Well, I had a harder time opening up, getting vulnerable, and having those discussions. So it was a skill we had to learn. How to actually work through issues together, not just have banter, not just to laugh and have a good time, and talk about what did you do today, but to actually bring up more serious issues or just to talk about what mattered to us. And I feel like growing up, this isn’t really taught, at least in my household when I grew up. Um. I guess communication was always this kind of casual thing. No one talked about their emotions. No one really talked about what really mattered to them. Um, there wasn’t any, I guess, ground rules in terms of what was healthy. It was like people spoke in a very unconscious way. So I think on this episode, um, it’s important that you know, we teach people who are wives how to communicate in this awakened and or in this mindful and conscious way. So that when you do talk to your partner about anything in your marriage, it can actually be a productive conversation. 

Jachym: Right. You set yourself up for success rather than failure. 

Natasha: Yeah, because here’s the thing: like for us too, there were times where we try to address issues, where we brought up topics, and we would walk away, really defeated. It’s as if you try to come together to address something, but you don’t have that understanding; you don’t have the connection. You feel like your partner doesn’t get you, and you’re all alone in this battle. Like it should be a conversation where you feel like you can get support from your partner. But communication can actually be very isolating if you don’t feel like you found an understanding together. 

Jachym: Right. And the flip side of that is, is that you can be extremely connected, understood, heard, and feeling like you are a team. 

Natasha: Yeah. And that’s a that’s the point. Exactly. Like, it doesn’t matter the content, how difficult of a topic it is, how tough of a topic. Um, how raw of a topic. You can still have that. And we’ve experienced that for ourselves. Like we’ve dived into some pretty tough things within our marriage like we had to take our own stuff, apologize, recognize things that we’ve done that’s not so nice. Like we’ve, we’ve dealt with different, like conversations that are not easy to have. But we walk away feeling OK and actually as a team and actually like there is a love no matter what it is that we’re talking about. And I think communication, when done right, when you have the right skills and you’ve have those tools, it can establish that kind of deep bond between two people. 

Jachym: Right. I mean, so far for the audience where we’re trying to get you to actually, you know, feel held, and loved, and understood by your husband. That you feel like you can let yourself go and open and flow. And that your husband is that strong man that you have initially met. Right. I mean, that is what we’re trying to help you with. And just so you know, every relationship does go through difficult periods, and there can be various difficult subjects, uh, that are challenging to discuss. That is totally normal. Uh, however, when you avoid those subjects, they become more difficult. And when you don’t address them properly, uh, they become more hurtful. And so they become like a taboo topic. But that actually doesn’t really help the relationship. And what we want to you to be able to do is to move through that discomfort, uh, so that you become stronger with your partner. That your husband, uh, and you become closer together, and you understand each other more and that there’s, you know, that soulmate connection is more deepened. 

Natasha: Yeah. And I think communication is a sticky point for a lot of wives or a lot of couples because once you get used to being a certain way, you like say there’s a dynamic where you feel like you’re always being proactive, but then he’s not. Or you bring up a subject, and he gets defensive. Right. You bring up something, you get shot down. And you do that enough times, and you feel like it’s just hopeless. And these communication patterns can arise, you know, and we used to have a certain pattern ourselves. Like you would try to dig deep to try to solve an issue or talk about our marriage or relationship. And I would just retreat. And that was like this dysfunctional dance that would happen. And if you repeat it enough times, you feel like, oh, that’s just the way it is. There’s no way out. 

But today, we want to really share some ground rules so that, you know, that change can be made. It doesn’t have to stay the same, and that we have actually shifted our communication style completely. You know, even if we failed in the past or it felt super difficult in the past, we’re not actually able to talk about pretty much anything within our relationship. And know that we have the skills to actually do it in a way where we get somewhere, and we feel like a team when we do it. And I think a lot of the times like communication can be so isolating like you’re trying to share your world with the other person. But just like our last podcast episode, actually, we talked about all the mistakes that you can make. And it’s true. Like if you do things in a way that doesn’t quite work, it can either demotivate your partner, it can push them away, they can just shut the person down. There are so many ways to actually communicate where it just leads you further and further apart. I mean, for us, it was more like I was retreating the more you kind of pushed for it. And there were times where I shut down because I couldn’t dive deeper and actually share vulnerability and connect to myself. Like everyone has their own mechanisms, uh, when it comes to conversations, like when they don’t feel safe and when the ground rules are not established. But I think once you do learn the ground rules when it comes to speaking to your partner, especially about speaking about your marriage, then then you have such a greater chance of actually getting your point across. Of actually being heard. Of actually finding understanding. 

Jachym: Hmm. All right. And just to be clear, those ground rules, they don’t have to be immediately agreed on by your husband or by the other half. They are ground rules that are for yourself first and foremost. And you sticking to these ground rules will shift the conversation by itself already. And then, you know, maybe at a later date, uh, you decide that you want to share them with your partner, and he agrees on it or whatever. Then they become mutual ground rules, but they actually ground rules for yourself that will help change the dynamic of the conversation because that is what we actually are doing with our Cherished Wife Program. We help women, uh, to shift the relationship because we always think, well, we have to go both have to go to to a coach or a counselor or something like that. It’s actually not true. Uh, one person can really fundamentally change how the relationship is unfolding and what direction it’s going in. And I think it’s important that we mention this so that people don’t feel like, ‘Oh, well, my husband is not up for this, so I can’t do anything.’ Yes, you can. 

Natasha: Yeah. And so, Jachym and I are always under the impression that when you heal something within you, no matter if you’ve had hurtful conversations, even if, you know, you’ve attempted this kind of conversation in the past with your partner, you either got into cold shoulder, or he got defensive or led to an argument or a fight, that doesn’t define your future, and that doesn’t define your marriage. In fact, you can actually heal from those experiences. It doesn’t have to be that painful past that you just look around with you for the rest of your life and for the rest of this relationship- you can actually heal from that. So we hope that on this episode, you actually get to experience that for yourself, that things don’t have to stay that way, and it doesn’t have to feel this way. And once you do heal within you, you can actually transform your relationship. And that’s what these ground rules are for. It’s to establish something new, something healthy, something that will actually be productive in your conversations- with your exchanges with your partner. 

And then when you do that, when you find yourself in a really strong, healthy place within your relationship, you’re actually supporting one another. You’re bringing out the best in each other instead of the worst. And so, in that case, you’ve revolutionized the world by actually showing up as your best self. By being this beautifully supported, supported, and awakened wife, where you’re able to do things in this lifetime, in this world that you couldn’t on your own because you’re, you know, supported, you’re loved, and you’re cherished by your soul mate. 

And it’s such a special experience. So this is kind of our journey together. So let’s get into it and talk about how we can actually establish the ground rules so that your communication, when you’re speaking to your husband, is productive, it’s healthy, and you actually get somewhere. 

Jachym: Hmm. Great. Awesome. So to start off, you always have to take ownership of what you’re doing and how you’re showing up. And this is how those ground rules are coming about; it is actually helping you to create change within you. But you can’t create that change if you’re busy blaming your husband for not being a certain way. OK, so we’re looking at you. We’re looking at how you are showing up. 

So the very first ground rule is being present. You can’t have connection. You can’t have a conversation if you’re not being present. So what’s that mean? Well, if you’re on your phone, you’re not being present. If you’re thinking about the dinner that you’re going to cook, you’re not being present. If you’re thinking about the past and what has happened, you’re not being present. When you are looking at certain beliefs that that are coming up or whatever, you’re not being present. You’re not being present with your partner. Being present is the absolute foundation for actually having a connective conversation and a fruitful conversation. And this may sound easy, but it is not necessarily easy for people to just be present because they are busy in their mind and trying to get somewhere and trying to do something. And by the way, this is a very sneaky one- trying to get somewhere, again, it’s not being present. Being present is actually accepting what’s here now. 

Natasha: Yeah. And and and this is the thing. It sounds simple, maybe ambiguous to some even being present. But this is what I meant when I said earlier that you can heal your past experiences. Because a lot of times you go into a conversation trying to bring up the same topic or trying to talk about your marriage again with your partner, and all you think about and all you feel, and all you anticipate is the last conversation which may have led to a fight, led to an argument that you guys walking away more distant than before. 

So being present also means that you have to heal that part of you who might have been hurt from that previous experience or that previous exchange. And I mean, this is no easy task. I’ll just let it go and be present. Now, we all recognize that how deeply, you know, you could feel hurt within the marriage if things are really not going well. And this is why this is something that we help the wives within our Cherished Wife Program – our signature coaching program. Because it is quite hard to stay present, be open to conversation, be in this moment, feel connected to your partner. If you felt deeply wounded, you know, when there are things that you can’t seem to forgive, that you can’t move on from it, it lingers. So those things that still need to be addressed or resolved or healed within you, those things need to be worked on in a way. So that it’s so much easier for you to be present and not hold onto the past, not hold onto those passenger areas, not repeat what happened, kind of like in your memory of those previous conversations. 

And so that’s one thing that we definitely help and coach people on so that they can actually show up like, ‘OK, this is a new conversation.’- this is how things can actually progress forward. It’s not by clinging onto the past. 

Jachym: All right. Which brings us to the second ground rule, which can’t happen if you don’t have the first one. You’re actually looking for connection right now. What does that mean? Well. We are all connected at all times, but you don’t experience that all the time, right? 

Sometimes, you feel disconnected. Sometimes you are in your head, all busy thinking and feeling attacked or blamed or whatever, and you are not present in this moment. Looking for a connection is allowing the connection to happen. It’s an opening up to the connection coming into the conversation. And looking for it is just being sensitive to it when it does show up. So it is not about pushing for connection. It’s not about trying to make the connection happen. It is. Or judging that the connection is not happening. It is noticing, ‘Oh, right now I have it in my head or my partners in their head, and I’m feeling more present. I’m connected.’. 

And why this is important is because when I’m present and you’re present, and we both feel connected, we’re going to have a productive conversation. When I’m in my head, in my own little nightmare, and you’re in your head, in your own little nightmare, what are we going to get is conflict, right? We’re going to get conflict. Now, if you were to be in your head and I’m present, I’m going to be compassionate to her. So I’ll see. I’ll be like, ‘Oh, you know, I see that you’re that you’re distressed.’ Or if you are present and I’m in my head, you’ll see, ‘Oh, he’s he’s distressed.’ Right? And then you can work with it. But if you’re not, if you don’t have these two things in place if you don’t notice what’s happening, then you’re not really going to have a productive conversation because it’s based on the fears that leaving the thoughts rather than in your heart, your heart doesn’t have the fears. 

Natasha: Yeah, and this can be quite a skill for a lot of wives to learn- this feeling for a connection, looking for a connection, establishing that connection with your partner. Because what’s the ultimate goal here? You know, it’s all about being able to successfully speak to your husband about your marriage. So sometimes, when we’re at work or if you’re in a management position or a leadership position, it’s just, you know, ‘Hey, it’s a meeting.’ Everyone sits down. You bring up the topic of the day. You address it. Yeah, you tackle it. You just bring it on to the table. You go for it. Right. There’s no need to like, oh, establish a connection in the meeting room and make sure, you know, like that doesn’t quite happen in a workplace. That’s not very normal in the workplace. So we’re so, you know, if you go to work for like an eight, 10 hours, you come home, you’re like still in that going, wow, you just going to, like, bring that topic up. You forget about the connection. You forget about being present. You forget about, you know, feeling actually something with your partner first. So this can be a skill that you slowly develop. And I think it’s something that we cover up as one of the pillars within our coaching program- is to Unleash Your Inner Goddess because you don’t need to push. You don’t need to throw that topic on. You don’t need to be like, ‘OK, today’s agenda here it is.’ Actually, there’s something way more important than just having this conversation successfully, getting your point across successfully, and that’s feeling connected to your partner again. Because truly, that is the goal, the ultimate goal. You want to feel understood. 

Yes, you want him to get you. Yes, you want to do it efficiently, successfully, whatever. You want this conversation to go well. But why? Because you want to feel understood. You want him to hear you and to see you. And without this connection, when all you’re focused on is getting your way or trying to get your point across, you lose that completely. So so for a lot of wives who have a very well-established career and feel quite confident and good in the workplace, that same strategy doesn’t work here when it comes to establishing that connection. When you value your point or whatever outcome you want to have us succeeding in this conversation or this exchange, if you hold that above the connection, then you could really run into this trouble. 

Jachym: Oh, yeah, absolutely. I totally agree. And so and with this connection, there’s another thing, another ground rule that comes with it- and that is emotional safety. And now this is especially important for your husband. OK? That you create a space where he is safe to be in. And what does that mean? Well, we covered in the previous episode negative communication patterns. Well, emotional safety cannot happen if you’re busy criticizing, blaming, nagging, bickering, shaming, ridiculing, or using contempt or some other form of passive-aggressiveness or something. 

You know. All of those are hurtful. All of those are like needles; they are not nice to be around. And so creating an emotional safe space means to let those communication patterns go and allowing yourself to love. 

Now, if you’re wondering whether you’re doing those kinds of communication patterns or not, we have created a little quiz. You can head over to yourexceptionalrelationship.com/understand, and you get a little quiz there, and you can see how your communication is going. But it is really vital that you create this kind of emotional safety in the conversation. Now, emotional safety also goes for you, but that is a different topic because that is looking at actually your own insecurities and making sure that you are accepting and loving towards yourself. Because just like you can blame your husband, you can blame yourself. So it goes both ways. But in terms of in the context of the conversation, you’re taking ownership of any kind of negativity, and you’re letting that go, and you are replacing it with more empowering and uplifting conversation styles. And we actually covered, I think it’s one of the pillars, Harmonious Love in our Cherished Wife Program, where we actually help women do that. Where they see, ‘OK, wow, I can actually change this. I can actually have a good communication style that’s actually going to be fruitful and useful.’

Natasha: Yeah, and actually, on the next podcast episode, we’ll be talking about emotions a lot more. Right, because a lot of the times, you know, wives are struggling with having these difficult topics or marriage topics with her husband because the emotion seems to get in the way. Someone’s getting triggered, someone’s getting emotional, or someone’s getting defensive. So what do you do in that situation? How do you work with your husband when he is clearly getting emotional? What do you do when you are getting triggered, or you find yourself having some kind of emotional response? Because a lot of the times just kind of spirals out of control. And this can make you very reactive. It can lead to conversation in a completely different direction that you never planned it to go, and hurtful things can be said. So actually, if you want to know more about how to address, you know, emotional topics, difficult topics that are can be quite triggering, that’s what we’re going to be bringing up. I guess not bring up, but we’ll be diving more into it on the next podcast episode. 

Jachym: And just to be clear as well, you know, you it’s hard to create an emotional safe space when you don’t have the connection because the connection is really a calibration, is a feeling of your partner and seeing where they’re at and seeing and seeing also where you’re at. So part of that is like, ‘Oh, I’m actually getting really irritated. Maybe it’s time to do something about this and, you know, rather and just let it go and have the whole frustrations pour out. Or it’s the same with the other person. But we’ll discuss that on on the other episode. So let’s go from the next one to the next point. 

Natasha: So number four, another, the fourth ground rule is to actually be actively and mindfully listening, especially to your partner. Because you can come, you know, we get it. You want to initiate this. You see things that could change in your relationship. You see topics to be brought up, things to be addressed, things to resolve. You know, we get it. You want to take action. You want to bring change about. You want to shift this relationship, transform this marriage. And he might not. So you might naturally have a lot of things to say. You want to bring it in a certain direction. 

So you know, your agenda or what you’re trying to achieve here might be so clear to you. You know, and there’s just this thing you want to just share with him and get him on board with. But what we often forget here is that you know, for this healthy conversation to go successfully, you got to listen too. It’s not just about you talking, getting your point across. You really got to listen to him. And this was something we had to learn so much. Like, we thought we listened well because we’ve been coaches for many years now. We’ve been in change workers for a long time. So we thought, ‘OK, we’re pretty good at listening to people. You know, we’re actively listening. We’re picking up on stuff’. 

But at some point, we’ve experienced this in totally different scenarios. Both you and I personally, is that sometimes the other person is speaking and you’re still stuck in your ways of the best way to do things. What you think is a good idea that you’re still stuck there, you’re barely hearing the other person. And when they bring up their point of view, you’re like, ‘Oh, OK, are you finished? So I can tell you what I think.’ You know? And in the past, it has led us to more power struggles. It became this tug of war of Jachym would share something. ‘OK, I’ll let you talk,’ ‘OK, my turn,’ ‘OK, well, I think this.’ It’s like, well, I think this so is this tug of war. I think this. I think this. I think this. I think this. And it doesn’t really go anywhere. It just gets pulled back and forth this rope, and like, it’s really hard to find a compromise at this point. It’s hard to work as a team because it’s like, who’s going to pull harder? I guess whoever speaks louder, whoever is stronger, whoever doesn’t back up or, you know, like that kind of thing. So it doesn’t help. And that kind of conversation, that’s where there is no listening. So actually, to succeed in talking to your partner about your marriage, you might actually have to do more listening than talking. 

Jachym: Absolutely. And I just want to clarify, we are not promoting active listening. That is because that’s a term used for. So you said X, Y, is that now you can do that. You can say something, and you repeat back what the other person said, and that’s called active listening. Um, we’re not promoting that necessarily. It can be a useful tool, but it also can take you out of the conversation because you’re trying to remember what the other person said so that you can repeat it back. Well, that’s not what we’re about. 

We are about presence, connection, calibration, providing a safe space, emotional safety. And then listening is actually listening with your heart. There’s nothing to do with the mind; it has to do with the heart. It’s it’s not listening for just the words that are being said. It’s listening for the energy, how that is being shared. It’s about opening yourself up and actually being allowing yourself being impacted by what the other person is sharing. That’s a very different kind of listening. We actually dive deep into that in Cherished Wife Program because many people are horrible listeners. I was a horrible listener myself, even though I thought I was a good listener. So if you think you’re a good listener, most likely there’s room for improvement because it really is a skill that can go deeper and deeper and deeper. 

And you’ll be amazed by what you can actually hear that’s not being said, just by the energy. Now, yes, of course, that can be also a projection, but just opening yourself up to that, it softens the entire conversation. 

Natasha: Yeah, and I do want to bring this up because so many of us women wish our husbands would step up. Wish they would take initiative. I wish they would be some kind of leader within our marriage. And we’re just, like, waiting for him. Come on. Like, do something for once. Like, stop waiting for me to do it all. You know, we feel so overwhelmed because we take on everything. We see all these problems. We want to address that, but we’re not bringing it up. And it’s like so much to deal with. But this this ground rule, actually listening to him. And like Jachym said, not just listening to his words in a very mechanical OK act of listening, what he says. Let me repeat it back kind of way. It’s like no, but deeply being present, connected, listening, being with him, hearing him, seeing him. This is so key. And we teach this within our coaching program, especially under the pillar of the Unleash Your Inner Goddess. Because we, as women, we like we have a tendency to just take control when we want something to change, we take control, we try to make that change happen, yet we still want our husband to step up. 

So by mindfully, deeply listening to your husband, this is where you actually give him a chance to step up. You can actually see him. Here’s an opportunity where you can actually acknowledge and experience his strength again, you know. You’re inviting him to be there for you. And this is what cherished and awakened wives do. You know, they give their husband a chance. So, yes, this whole episode today is about how to have this conversation about your marriage with your husband. But as you can see, we’re going so many layers deep because it’s more than that. It’s more than just doing that successfully. Because to us, an exceptional relationship is one where you’re so fulfilled, you’re so happy because you have found the one. You do have that soulmate connection, but you actually experience it. You experience the goodness of that versus, you know, the conflict in a power struggle of it. So, you know, by tapping and unleashing your inner goddess, you can let go a little bit. 

And by listening to him in a very energetic and deep way, you’re actually inviting him to show as a leader for you. So, yes, that requires a level of vulnerability, that requires letting go on some level because you’re not just blasting through the agenda like at your Monday meetings at work. It’s not that type of energy. We’re not used to that at home. You know, we’ve got to let that go at work. And so we have to teach that skill to women again. Because just by bringing that, your husband will be so much more attractive and so much more open to you. And everything you wish for, it’s almost on the other side of this. And it takes a level of vulnerability, and that’s why it’s a skill we teach. 

Jachym: Absolutely. Yeah. So the next point is the taking his perspective. That’s the next ground rule. And what we mean by that is that when something is not right, let’s say your husband brings something up and you feel judged. Right? So you’re ready to defend yourself. Well, when you’re ready to defend yourself, you’re not taking this perspective. Right now, there’s something I had to learn. Natasha, bring something up to me, and I get defensive. I’m like, ‘Oh, I didn’t mean it this way, blah, blah, blah.’ But the energy behind it is a defensive energy. Now, taking his perspective is putting this aside just for a moment and just, and it comes with listening. Because when I allow to listen and allow myself to be impacted by what you’re saying, I naturally can start taking the perspective like, ‘Yeah, you know, that actually feels really hurtful’ or ‘Yeah, that’s a very difficult place you’re in.’. 

And what gets in the way of taking the other person’s perspective is taking it personally. You think what they are sharing is about you and that you were doing something wrong. You don’t realize that what they are sharing is that is their world. It’s their perspective. It’s their experience. It’s not personal. They may project things on you and say, well, it’s your fault or whatever, but they still actually sharing their own unique perspective and experience. And by listening, you’re allowing to take that perspective. Now, you’re not going to take the perspective fully, nor will you ever fully understand the other person, because the other person, that’s their own world, literally. Right. 

But by attempting taking his perspective, another way you can say that is to is to put your own personal stuff to the side just for a moment. To actually be there for your partner and just really feeling to your partner. Right. And again, it opens the conversation, it softens the conversations, and then it allows something to emerge from this conversation that has nothing to do with holding down your fort, holding down that you’re right and the other person is wrong and blaming someone or any of that. It actually opens the conversation for something new to come through. But you can only come through when you actually allow yourself to understand. OK, so the way you’re talking to your husband is maybe harsh. Now, you may take this personally, right? Well, that’s your perspective. Well, to put that aside and actually feeling to his energy. OK, so this is how he feels. OK, what can we do with this? 

Natasha: Mhm. Yeah. And at the beginning of this episode, we talked about where I mentioned how there can be a great deal of healing. If you follow these ground rules, pretty much what your the steps you’re taking. Yes, you’re bettering your communication. You can have conversations that maybe led to arguments and fights in the past, so you can actually maybe make some work progress. But in fact, all these ground rules are really about healing, are really about reestablishing a level of respect both for yourself and for your partner. 

And the reason why we have this last ground rule, which is taking on his perspective and not taking everything that he’s saying personally, is because just like you are initiating this conversation because there’s something you want to say, you want to feel heard, you want to feel understood. What do you think he feels? He wants the same thing, actually. Just because, you know, you want to initiate this an exchange doesn’t mean that he feels differently in himself. When he when, you know, you actually have a safe environment. You actually established a safe, emotional space for him to feel hurt, for him to feel understood and seen by you. So in the end, you know, this is what you’re giving him. The very same ground rules that you’re kind of coming in for yourself, you’re extending that to him. 

Jachym: You start to live it and embody it. And then, you know, he will actually want to do the same because his cup is being filled, and he’s actually being heard. Right? 

Natasha: And this is one of the reasons why within our coaching programs, we don’t require both of you to work with us. Because, you know, you are one half of that marriage, and depending on what you do and how you react, his response will vary. You know, as long as you change your bit, you take responsibility for your bit, and you heal you, that part of you, and you start living that kindness, that respect, that part that you give to yourself, and you extend it to your partner. He’s given an opportunity to also change, to also step up, to choose a different reaction, to choose a different communication style. So, you know, we don’t need both of you to be as committed to change or to transforming your relationship. Like, if there’s one awakened wife, that’s more than enough to actually heal, to transform your relationship, and to revolutionize the world. 

Jachym: And usually someone takes the lead. I do want to give one last one as a little bonus, which is kind of a counterbalance to what we’ve shared- and that is stay true to yourself. OK, this is a really important ground rule because you’re listening, you’re taking a perspective. You’re being present. Uh, you can fall into the trap of not listening what’s actually true to you and not bringing that into the conversation, but that needs to be put into the conversation as well. Now, there’s a difference between spewing your insecurities into the conversation and projecting all kinds of things onto your husband versus feeling your soul truth, feeling your truth in your heart, and standing up for that and bring that to the table. I think this is really vital and it can easily be missed. If you just think about the other person and opening that space, you do need to be incongruity within yourself as well and bringing that unapologetically to the table, but not with a harsh or not harsh way or a demanding way or a this is the only way. 

But as part of the conversation. Because that’s the only way that you two can grow is through that kind of friction. It’s like I totally hear you. I understand you. I feel you. I’m with you in connection with you. I’m there with you. And this is also what I’m seeing. You bring that in a gentle way into the conversation, right? You don’t want to just like, bam, smash it in. You want to bring in a gentle way in, but you want to have it there while still having the other side as well. Because now the two sides are both in your awareness and something you can emerge from that if you don’t bring your side, it’s to one side. 

Natasha: Mm-hmm. And I think this is absolutely the reason why we actually give customized help to the woman who we coach. It’s not like, ‘OK, here’s a blueprint. You’re on your own. Good luck.’ It’s like, ‘OK, here’s the steps, or here are the ground rules. Here is the blueprint. Once you apply it, what do you notice?’ You know, ‘Are you ready for that yet?’ If not, if however many ground rules there are, you feel comfortable applying two or three for now. That’s good. We start with that. And then how did he react or how did you feel in that conversation? And then we kind of hold your hand within the Cherished Wife Program, and we guide you, you know, according to what you’re ready for. So, you know, it’s not like every single relationship has this cookie-cutter way of going about it. We have learned through our own mistakes and our own trials within our relationship what leads to complete disaster. Right. And what helps, like what is foundational pieces to communication, to a healthy marriage, to a lasting connection and love. You know, we have found those key things, and we’re ready, and we’re happy to share it with the woman who we coach. 

If you’re not ready to implement it all, you have that blueprint. You have the three pillars, but you do it step by step at your own pace where actually you do what’s right at the moment. Right. So even this, you know, sometimes, especially if you want to be an awakened wife like you want to do it all at once, you want the change to happen now. You want to do it all, but you have to respect yourself and see what you’re actually ready for. 

And sometimes it’s necessary to get that customized guidance or help because there’s no need to push yourself, you know, as a perfectionist to get it right from the beginning, which you apply every single step that we say or to be spiritually correct about this whole thing. You know, so you have to gauge, ‘What am I ready for?’ Right. And whatever you are ready for, it will still make a huge change and impact in your relationship. 

Jachym: Awesome, I think with that, we can come to a close. You know, in the next episode, we are going to deepen this topic about communication and especially how are you going to deal with emotions. Because I think you are two human beings with their own emotional world, and you have misunderstandings, and you have different ways of reacting, and emotions are part of this conversation. So how are you going to deal with it? What are you going to do when you’re getting very emotional? What are you doing when your husband is getting triggered and emotional? How are you handling those kinds of things? That is what we are looking at in the next episode. 

Natasha: Yeah, and for a lot of people, emotions seem to be the thing that kind of gets you into that conflict, gets you into that fight, gets you in trouble. It’s the thing a lot of people believe emotions kind of stand in the way between you and the solution, what you’re trying to solve in your conversations with your husband or about whatever problem that’s sticky. So we’ll bring some very interesting perspective on emotions that you may not have heard from other places because it might not be what you think. So stay tuned for that next episode. Meanwhile, if you want to check out the show notes, the transcript, the whole video files, and all that good stuff, just head over to yourexceptionalrelationship.com/2 for episode number two. You can get more information there. But otherwise, today, we’re really grateful that you’ve stayed tuned up until now. It means that you know you are committed. You are committed to making a change. You want to establish something healthier, something long-term. 

You want to salvage your relationship. You do see, I hopefully we have shown you that there are ways of going about having conversations- doing communication that heals, that builds your trust and your respect. And that there is hope going forward no matter how hurt you’ve been in the past from your marriage. So thanks for being here. And if you need more resources, you can always head over to yourexceptionalrelationship.com/understand. Just a double-check how your communication might be, take a little quiz, do it for fun, and you’ll gain a lot of insights from that. 

Jachym: Awesome. Take care. 

Natasha: All right. Talk to you next time. 

 

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