[EP16] 5 Powerful Signs Your Needs Aren’t Being Met

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What Episode 16 Is About:

Do you have a feeling that your relationship might be in trouble?

Maybe you’re stuck in disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Tune in to this episode to learn the 5 power signs that your emotional needs are not being met in your marriage.

Validate or debunk the pestering thought that ‘my husband doesn’t fulfill my needs!’

Show-Notes:

  • What happens when someone’s emotional needs aren’t met?
  • How to know whether your emotional needs are being met in your relationship or not?
  • What are the signs that your needs aren’t being met?

Resources Mentioned:

Transcript:

Natasha: Welcome back to another episode of the Awakened Wife podcast, I’m Natasha Koo—

Jachym: And I’m Jachym Jerie, and we are from Your Exceptional Relationship dot com.

Natasha: Today it is episode number 16. And we’re going to be talking about how to know whether and if your emotional needs are being met in your relationship.

Jachym: That’s right. So if you’re watching this and you’re wondering, well, are my needs being met or not being met? This episode is for you. Um, since you’re thinking about this, I assume that your relationship isn’t in the best place because otherwise, we wouldn’t be wondering about that. Someone who has the emotional and just, in general, their needs met is in a good space and they don’t usually think about the needs. So if you are feeling, you know, that something is not quite right, maybe you will be able to identify whether it’s your emotional needs or not.

Natasha: Mm-hmm. And let’s dive into it because needs are one thing. And I’m sure like those listening, you know, that you have the basic needs that you have. Now, we’re talking about relationships and marriage here. And I guess we’re kind of going towards the direction of feeling satisfied, feeling fulfilled, feeling like what you’re sharing with your partner is what you want.

And when you feel like your needs aren’t being met, it’s like something’s missing. It’s not quite right. The puzzle pieces don’t fit together. And especially when you put in that mix into the mix emotional needs, it goes deeper. So it’s not just about, you know, the time you spent together or the house you shared. It’s like emotionally it feels like something’s lacking. So let’s kind of get into that.

Jachym: Yeah. And I think it’s important that we have a little bit of a disclaimer here about needs- emotional needs. They are not as clear cut as, let’s say, you know, the physical needs like you, you need food, shelter, you need some drinking water like they are very obvious. Without those things, you really are not going to do well.

But they’re still real. I mean, I do know that there are some studies that were done on infants in the Second World War where they were like looking at what happens when they don’t receive love, which basically means like touching, affection, for example, and it really badly impacted them. So there is definitely something to this. But you can also kind of abuse it and put it on your partner where it’s like, well, you have to fulfill this need. This is my emotional need and you are not fulfilling it. And then you are very quickly in this kind of blame game, which doesn’t lead anywhere.

Natasha: Hmm. So if you’re in this place, first of all, thank you for listening. Thank you for recognizing that something doesn’t feel right because a lot of people spend a great deal of time in denial. Just thinking that nothing’s wrong, it’s OK. Doesn’t matter. I’ll put up with this. It’s no big deal. But if you don’t listen to that, it can get worse over time, not just your relationship with your partner, but with the relationship to yourself.

Because in a way, we don’t listen to that desire to actually feel OK, feel good, you know, be well, then you’re neglecting yourself. So, one, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you feel like you’re not quite getting what you need, whether within yourself, within your life, or within this relationship. That’s an OK place to be. And sometimes, um, sometimes we can blame ourselves. We can blame our partners. And neither of these things are useful in actually getting you to a better place, to actually getting your needs met, which we’re going to get into in the next episode so please if you haven’t subscribed, make sure you subscribe to this podcast wherever you’re listening.

We keep doing, you know, this series where one builds upon another. And some of these issues, you know, it’s complicated and there’s a lot of pieces to it. And we want to show you kind of as many aspects as we can on this podcast. So it’s important that you kind of follow through and listen to the coming episodes, too, because we’ll be showing you how, um, how-to, I guess, get your husband to meet those needs, right? Once you kind of get clear on them.

But today, we’re going to be coming from that place of if you are unsure if you feel like something’s not quite right, you’re getting more and more unhappy in your relationship, you’re starting to blame yourself, feel ashamed for it, even. You’re starting to blame your partner for not being there and not, you know, fulfilling those needs. Well, what are some signs?

Because we have a blog post that shows all 10 signs and more and more we break it down into much more detail. Yeah, if you want to read that blog post, skim through it. You can see that at our show notes at yourexceptionalrelationship.com/16, just a number one six for the show notes and all the resources we mentioned, will be there. Now, today, however, we will be only be covering five just because of a matter of time.

Jachym: Yes, exactly. And because we actually want to explain a little bit around the needs and not just rattle through a list. So it’s going to be more useful. Right. OK, so let’s get started, and let’s look at the first sign. The first sign is that you’re feeling neglected. OK, so having your needs met, it feels filling, right? You feel full inside, you feel happy inside. It feels good.

Like just imagine you’re very hungry and you eat a delicious meal. That meal, first of all, it’s very nice because you have been wanting it. So, for example, one of your needs is physical touch and you’ve been deprived of touch then being touched, you know, you can really soak it up because you really need it. So feeling neglected can be a good sign that there’s something up with having your needs not met in some way in this relationship. So that’s one of the big ones.

Natasha: And it’s OK to feel neglected. I mean, not that it’s OK to be neglected by your partner or completely abandoned, but this feeling because is probably quite uncomfortable for you. You know, he probably entered this relationship where you went into this marriage thinking we’re going to be a team, we’re so strong together, we bring out the best in each other like we’re going to we’re going to do this.

And then one day today, maybe you feel neglected and you feel abandoned and you feel like you’re pushed aside and you’re almost like nobody to him. That hurts, you know. So I just want to acknowledge that this can be in very uncomfortable place. But just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean that you can’t resolve this, that there’s no way forward; there absolutely is.

Jachym: Yeah, and we’ll probably go into more detail in the next episode about this. But, you know, your husband might not even know exactly what your needs are. You may have a mismatch in what you think is important and the value you place in some of those things. So you can feel you feel depleted because he may be putting his effort into something else that he thinks is important for the relationship. So it’s not always clear-cut. It’s not like. But we can take it very personally. Right. Or you can take it quickly, very personally, thinking that it’s me.

There’s something wrong with me and my husband doesn’t care. And he’s X, Y, Z. Right. And then this entire story. But all of those things they come back to. Your emotions and what you’re feeling inside, right? All right, let’s go to to the second sign of having your needs or a sign of your needs not being met, that the second sign is that you are resenting. You’re feeling resentful towards your husband.

Now, resentment can show itself in various ways. It’s not always obvious. Uh, you just may start to dislike him. You may start to not like what he’s doing, how he’s dressing, what how he’s cutting the carrots, um, or other ways. Right. This resentment that isn’t always obvious, especially if you have the self-image that you are a good wife, that you are doing things right and that you are easy to get along with, then this kind of resentment is often suppressed and it seeps out into the relationship. But if you’re honest with yourself and you actually stay with yourself for a bit, you’re going to feel it.

Natasha: Mm-hmm. And sometimes this resentment creeps up over time. It can be extremely strong where you pretty much hate his guts now and he’s at fault for everything, clearly. Uh, or it can build up slowly. Now, sometimes this resentment comes up because there can be a lot of thinking. Hmm. Um, when you feel like he should be doing something, he should be acting a certain way. He should be being a certain way for you in this relationship.

Jachym: And he isn’t.

Natasha: Yeah. And he doesn’t perform, he doesn’t do those things for you, and you get let down and those expectations are still there. But he falls short every time. And if that happens again and again and again and it kind of are in this spiral of disappointment where you feel like, you know, first Jachym said sign number one, you neglect it.

So, you know, at this point in itself where you start to resent him, it kind of builds like all these signs builds upon one another. At the moment you feel one, it kind of makes the other one stronger, too, because maybe you feel like, well, he should be spending more time with me. I feel neglected. He should be here. You know, I’m missing this and that. Well, then if he’s not and he does that so many times, the resentment can then also build up.

Jachym: And I think this is a really good point because you’re saying he should be X, Y, Z. So the word should is a good way of gauging what’s happening in your relationship. How much should are you putting on your partner? Those shoulds are often unmet expectations or unmet needs, which, well, they are a bit different, but they overlap as well. And this should one is not being met often then leads to resentment. And actually, it’s interesting because the resentment often has blame tied in it as well, that you’re blaming your husband for not living up to that should. And therefore, I’m feeling this way.

Natasha: And a lot of relationships fall into this trap because you are being with each other in a transactional way. Which is not something that we promote or stand for or teach the women who work with us when they’re on this transformative journey in their marriage because there’s something so much more magical. There’s so much more potential, so much more you can gain from your marriage than just I scratch his back and now he has to scratch mine. I’m fulfilling this need of his so he better meet this need of mine.

When you are in that scorekeeping mode and each action he does needs to be then I guess, equalized by your part of effort or time, it’s not a very loving, fulfilling place to come from. But resentment and this kind of feeling that you have, it might be like, Jachym mentioned created by first all these things that you think he should be doing, unmet needs or expectations, but also it can come from the fact that your relationship is built on these transactional exchanges, um, where there is scorekeeping. So that also locks you in place within this resentment.

Jachym: All right. Let’s move on to the third sign, which is actually the most obvious sign because it’s when you want to break up, you want a divorce, you had enough, and it’s not like you’re just over it. Now, of course, there can be many things that are happening when someone wants a divorce. But one thing is for sure, the needs are most likely not being met because you’re unhappy in the relationship. And as we have said, having your needs met in the way that you understand it and you can receive it usually makes you happy and fulfilled. So if your needs are being met, you’re less likely to divorce. So it is for sure a sign that there’s something wrong in the relationship, in the marriage. And it also can be a sign that your needs aren’t met.

Natasha: And one I guess one symptom of wanting to split up is also I guess you start to see other people as being more capable maybe than your partner for fulfilling those needs. And that’s that can be a very scary thing, especially when you believe that you found the one and that you are compatible and he’s not giving you what you want or need. And then I guess you become more curious outwardly, which is not something you signed up for because you’re probably very committed to your partner. But those thoughts might come up. And that’s that can be a very scary thing to face.

Jachym: There’s actually something quite interesting that is, you can have phases or moments where you want to break up, which can be a point off, like how you’re coping with conflict or difficulties in the relationship. So let’s say you’re having a difficult talk that’s been repetitive and you walk away and you’re like, have those thoughts coming up. Well, maybe I just need to walk away. Maybe it’s not worth it. And all of these kind of things. That doesn’t necessarily mean, one, that you have to break up.

And two that it is a sign that your need isn’t met necessarily; could also be that it’s just simply an avoidance from conflict, which is just I’m just going to walk away. So we bring it up here because so we have a little bit of more of a nuanced view about it. Just because your mind is telling you, well, maybe you just need to walk away doesn’t mean that there’s an unfulfilled need. It could also be a sign for that there’s some tender spot inside of you, some hurt that’s being activated, which you don’t really want to look at and your way of keeping it and, you know, not going there is to just walk away.

Natasha: Hmmm, I think that ties into the fact that, you mentioned this at the very beginning, that sometimes you can blame your partner for your needs not being met when it’s something deep down you have to do for yourself. Right?

Jachym: All right, cool. All right. Let’s go on to the next one, which is you’re feeling constantly rejected. So this one is a fairly big one because if you have your needs and they are not being met, you probably have tried to communicate that in some way to your partner. You may have not done the best job in communicating them at that to to to him. And when he doesn’t get you in this moment, you feel rejected, you know. So again, it’s a sign that the need that you’re trying to voice is not fulfilled and then you try to voice it, it’s not met with an understanding and with a willingness to do something about it. Now, as I said, there’s a various reasons why this can happen. And we sometimes thinks that while what we’re saying is obvious, well, it’s not necessarily obvious. So take a little bit of a step back and see how you’re actually going about voicing those things.

Natasha: Mm. And how you voice it. I mean, really comes down to communication skills. It comes down to knowing your partner, understanding him a lot better than you think you need to for a relationship to really work. Sometimes you really got to get your partner just the way that you want him to get you. Right. Um, so if you find that you are trying to articulate yourself, you’re trying to bring this issue up, but it’s getting nowhere and you kind of hit a wall and you believe it has to do with communication, but you’re not quite sure, uh, then absolutely try out our free quiz because it covers the common mistakes that couples make in communication.

And it could be the case that it’s just a matter of communication or it could be the fact that, you know, truly your needs aren’t being met. But if it’s just communication issues that you’re facing and you want to know whether that’s true for you or not, you can take the free quiz at yourexceptionalrelationship.com/understand.

Jachym: Another thing, you know, around this whole feeling rejected is that, again, we kind of mentioned it before, is that your partner just doesn’t quite get how important it is to you. Right. So, for example, in our relationship, physical touch is quite important to me. For Natasha, it isn’t. Well, you didn’t get that how important it is to me and what it does for me and what it means to me. So just because it is important to you doesn’t mean it’s important to your husband. And if you’re interested in this, you can look at the five love languages. You can just Google it. And that that is a really nice little framework to look at how we express and receive love differently.

And that literally is going to lead to you having not your needs met, because the way that your partner is expressing love is not received by you. Mm-hmm. All right. Let’s go to the last one, which is a very interesting one because you are starting to get jealous or envy other couples. So you see how the other couple has it all, how they’re going on to nice vacation. They’re smiling. You see the Instagram picture and Facebook picture and you think it’s all perfect.

Here’s a little tip. Most likely it isn’t, but well, no one is posting the photos where they have been crying just because they felt rejected, you know. But this is an interesting thing is this, that your mind is creating a fantasy. All of a reality where your needs are being met and you’re seeing this fantasy in movies or in friends that you’re having and you wish you had a relationship like this, that definitely is a sign that there’s something up here that might be pointing that your needs aren’t quite fulfilled.

Natasha: Mm-hmm. And that envy is a special emotion, I’d say, um, because like Jachym said, you’re making assumptions. Uh, sometimes strangers, your friends who you think, you know, you’re picking up bits and pieces to put together this case that they have it or that he’s giving to her what you wish your partner will give to you. Like you said, you know, you never know the reality of things.

You can only see the surface a lot of the time. But if it like other people, being together in a certain way rubs you the wrong way or you start to kind of get that emotional trigger from that, it really means that things outside of your relationship are starting to reflect at you as to what you think is going wrong or what you think you’re trying to get within your own relationship.

Jachym: Right. So I think, you know, let’s give them a little bonus. Right. About some signs as well. One of them is because you’re going in, you’re not really quite sure. You’re maybe not just adapting, navigating your inner landscape. You’re not really 100 percent know what’s going on. There can be signs that are hard. That’s why we didn’t include them originally because they are not clear-cut signs that it’s necessarily your needs that are not being met. But there can be a sign like general irritation. You’re getting irritated quickly by your partner and what they are doing. Right. Underneath that, yes, absolutely, there can be a sign that a need is not being met and you’re getting irritated more quickly because you are on edge, right? You are— you’re unhappy inside.

So so this general irritation can also be a general feeling of dissatisfaction that is coming up. And you can’t really point your finger to it. And that’s very normal because you do need to spend some time actually exploring your inner world and what you need. As said, it’s not those needs. They often aren’t as obvious as, oh, I need some food. And actually, it’s interesting with food as well. Like, you can be hungry, but actually, you’re thirsty. And the body, you’re there’s a misinterpretation from your body thinking you need to eat. Well, actually, you need to drink. So keep that in mind when you’re listening to science, when you go check out the article that covers the ten signs, keep that in mind that you need to learn to navigate your inner experience to know what it actually means and what you’re actually looking for before you jump to conclusions.

Natasha: Yeah, and that’s one of the reasons why we teach that very foundational pillar within the Cherished Wife Program, that unleash your inner goddess because you got to know yourself. Like, first of all, you can’t assume or expect your partner to mind read to you. That’s number one. And you can’t mind read yourself either. You actually have to drop into what’s going on inside. You have to uncover your needs so that you can clearly communicate it within your relationship. The more clarity you have within yourself, the more you acknowledge your self, respect yourself.

And go there, it might be uncomfortable, but if you actually gain the skills to be able to understand yourself better and understand when things don’t feel right, that you can speak up in a, you know, effective, communicative way, things can absolutely go somewhere. As in you’re like the pivotal like you’re the linchpin of your relationship. You can actually make it go in a better direction, but it requires you to know yourself and certain skills so that you can bring it forth in your relationship. So that the fact is, you know, we’re giving you five signs today. There are ten more within our blog—.

Jachym: Five more.

Natasha: Five more, ten altogether. I can’t do math. Um, but these are just like stepping stones. Because in the end, what really helps is knowing yourself. And I think that’s why we don’t just have all these free resources and blog posts and everything, but we actually help people one on one through this path is because it’s one of the thing to know a sign and try to kind of figure it out on your own and see how it applies and whether it’s a sign for you and if that means, you know, that your needs aren’t met. But it’s a matter to truly understand the need that you want to have fulfilled, what it means for you, what it feels like when it’s not, and how to go about navigating that in your relationship. That’s like a whole different ball game. So today we’re really skimming this service here with just the signs. Um, but of course, there’s more to the signs too, um, you can head over to the show notes at yourexceptionalrelationship.com/16. Just the number one six. And then you can find those there.

Jachym: Hmm. Right. So I think, you know, the signs, we all start somewhere and if you have this general feeling, something’s not quite right, you know, take it seriously and investigate it. Uh, with the tips we’ve given you today, you’ll have a little bit more clarity and maybe you’ll be able more to know what to do, especially in the next episode. But we have a question as well, actually, this week, which we want to answer.

Natasha: This is a really good one. And I think we’re going to spend a little bit of time unwrapping it. The question is, what happens when someone’s emotional needs aren’t met? Because it’s one thing to look for the signs, you know, but what are the impacts, and what happens when someone experiences this within their relationship?

Jachym: Hmm, that’s a good question. And it’s often is not a very pleasant thing. You know, like you don’t like to be thirsty. You don’t like to have your emotional needs not met. So as we have discussed a little bit right, the emotional needs that are not being met, they can then lead to, for example, anger, frustration, resentment. They all not very pleasant to have. But there’s also a general sense of depletion, right. That you you’re not full inside of you. And if you’re not feeling that there’s fullness, what are you going to share with your partner? You’re not. And then this the relationship is slowly deteriorating because you’re not able to show up. Your partner is not able to show up, both starting to feel depleted, there’s resentment, there’s blame coming in and it becomes quite devastating.

Natasha: Mhm. So it’s as if one issue, one problem kind of grows because you’re not just dealing with that, you’re dealing with your partner who maybe you’re thinking that now he is to blame or he should have done that. And then that changes how you react to him even though he’s just doing something nice or he’s being quite neutral. But it’s almost like you’re getting into that vibe where you’re almost like picking a fight because you’re coming almost aggressively or you’re just coming on to him in a very irritated way, which could irritate him and which would not bring out the best of him.

And then it kind of just spirals. It can spiral up from a place of depletion, from a place of maybe I doubt myself or I blame my partner or whatever it might be. Depending on how you react to it and whether you have the skills to actually address it or you’re just kind of helplessly, you know, flopping around, just maybe sizing up at him because he can’t handle the discomfort and the displease. Right.

Jachym: It can go into a direction where you feel like I’m not desirable anymore. Maybe I’m not good enough. And it becomes all personal. It can go into the direction where it’s tit for tat. So it’s like, well, you’re not doing this for me anymore, so I’m not doing this for you anymore so that you feel how bad it feels when the other person doesn’t do it. And, you know, that is like just a fast track to hell for the relationship when you go into that mindset.

Natasha: Yeah, but that happens.

Jachym: It does.

Natasha: That happens to a lot of couples where one issue, it happens once, but then when they don’t address it, it accumulates and it starts to just impact the relationship more and more. Even if you’re not talking about it, like you’re not just like, hey, I need this from you or you’re not actually talking about the issue itself, but somehow it starts to take over your interactions and how you engage with one another.

Jachym: Here’s here’s one little thing. The impact of your emotional needs not being met is directly proportionate to your emotional maturity. So if you have a lot of knowing about yourself, if you have other ways to meet your needs, the impact won’t be as great. If you don’t have this awareness, then the blame will come in. The tit for tat will come in. All of that will start happening and the relationship will derail. So you can counteract it with having a certain emotional maturity and a way of actually communicating what’s happening and being able to come back together as a team so your emotional maturity can counteract this.

Natasha: Hmm. One thing I want to say for sure is that because no relationship is perfect and it keeps on changing the dynamic between you and your partner, what we were talking about needing to spend more time and getting more of your partner’s attention in our previous episode and how you know that that desire is also valid. But depending on, I guess, the point of life, he’s in the stage of life, what you’re going through in your own life, there are changes. So it’s important that we learn to be resilient in a way within relationships.

Because you can have that love, you can have that connection, but other things can come in and kind of get in the way and shake things up a bit. So I think what you’re pointing towards when you’re talking about emotional maturity is actually learning the skills so that, first of all, you know how to address this issue when your needs aren’t met and that you feel like a strong, independent woman in a way, because just because you don’t feel quite right, it’s not all placed upon your partner. There’s some level of knowing that you can comfort yourself, that you can feel OK to a certain degree, and to feel full and loved on your own, even if it’s just temporarily, because he is I don’t know like not available at the moment or there’s something urgent in his life that he just can’t be fully there for you, to, to meet your needs right now.

That can happen. You know, it’s it’s hard for our partners to meet all our needs all the time. So that’s not reasonable either. But to be able to tap into that part of you and to learn the skills where you can take care of yourself in these really tough moments where you can’t quite depend on your partner, it’s really helpful to have because that’s the difference between wanting to run away from your relationship and calling it quits because you don’t see a way forward versus having the skills and the ability to actually go through these tough times. Sometimes they’re shorter, sometimes they’re longer, but they happen. They happen in relationships. And a lot of times if you don’t have those key skills, then the relationship breaks because you don’t see a way out of it. So all of these things can actually be learned. That’s the good news.

Jachym: Absolutely. They can be learned and you can grow and you can evolve and you can gain perspective. I mean, the one tricky thing about emotions is, is that they kind of zap you and you think this is reality. This is the truth. This is how things are. Well, what you’re experiencing is just intense emotions, really. And so the more you are able to differentiate that and gain the perspective, the easier you are. You can navigate through the relationship and through the emotions without having to suppress them, without having to push them away, but being able to actually process them in a healthy way.

Natasha: I find that so wonderful. It’s not just for your relationship. You know, it’s it’s for you. It’s really for you any time because the relationship is just one part of your life, believe it or not, you know? But you can be OK. Just you. No matter if your partner is completely there onboard for change or not or committed or not, doesn’t matter. But you can feel OK. And if those skills you want to develop and you want to kind of figure out, OK, you know what, I’m tired of this.

I’m tired of trying to wait for him to change. I’m tired of him to one day meet my needs. I’m tired of talking about it for now. Like, OK, maybe I can do something for myself right now. Then then the answer is yes you can. And you can head over to the show notes and book a free call with us, a breakthrough coaching call. It’ll be free and we’ll just help you with that first step. We’ll kind of show you what you need so that you can become more resilient at times like this. How you can feel OK, even if he might not be on board right now.

Jachym: And how you can set your relationship up for success. I mean, let’s not kid ourselves. It’s not just about one thing. It’s about, you know, changing the relationship game so that it’s going to be successful for you and that you can navigate this jungle not just by yourself, but that you have a blueprint and you know how to move forward and make it a reality so that your relationship can go from being difficult and challenging to becoming amazing, enriching and beautiful, empowering and knowing that if there’s a difficulty that comes up, you can handle it.

Natasha: Yeah, and we’ve seen this. We’ve seen again and again how it doesn’t always need to take two. You can start this process on your own and it can take off and you can make huge transformations within your relationship, even if you’re the one who’s taking action, who’s taking this leap of faith and moving forward with it. So if you want to take us on, uh, for this free opportunity to have a chat with us about your situation and what would actually help you, then head over to the show notes at yourexceptionalrelationship.com/16, one six, the numbers. And you can click there to schedule a call. So for next time, we’re going to get into his side of it—

Jachym: You’re about to get going how are you actually going to, uh, inspire him to do meet your needs. Because they are ways that you can create the context that’s going to happen.

Natasha: Mm-hmm. And without manipulation, without twisting his arm, without begging, with all of that, without all the stuff that you dread. We’re not going to make you do any of those things. So if you want to find out how you can achieve that, listen in, make sure to subscribe and we’ll talk to you then.

Jachym: Take care. Bye-bye.

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