Maybe you’re feeling dissatisfied with your marriage.
Maybe you’re questioning whether you’re still a good match.
Or maybe your emotional and physical needs aren’t being met.
When things don’t feel quite right in your relationship anymore, it can be terrifying. What went wrong? How do I fix it? What’s really going on? You might be wondering day-in and day-out.
Here’s the good news: when you find the missing piece in your relationship, it can improve. That’s right, when you finally understand the reason things aren’t working and get the right tools to resolve your issues, your marriage can become better than ever.
The goal isn’t just to fix things a little bit so that your worries and stress are lessened.
No, you can be empowered to have a love that is so rewarding and nourishing that you wake up every morning excited to enjoy another day with your partner.
Why is this important?
Because you deserve the marriage of your dreams.
You don’t have to be stuck with this feeling while trying to get him to understand and fulfill your needs.
All you need are the key skills and tools that make this possible. In our Cherished Wife Program, we don’t just teach women how to make the problems go away temporarily. We show women like you why and how it’s possible to have your dream relationship.
Want this for you and your marriage? Read on to find out how you can get started on your journey to healthy and fulfilling love.
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List of Emotional Needs in a Relationship
Let’s cut to the chase: There isn’t a fixed set of needs that apply to you, your partner and everyone else.
Because your needs change and evolve over time. That said, we do have a good model of human needs found here in the NVC model. The list is an overview of needs in general, but a lot of them play out in romantic relationships as well.
The list is a good starting point to start exploring what your needs are in a relationship. We have also made our own list of emotional needs in a relationship:
As you read this list, you might think there are important aspects missing like sex and love. We didn’t include those on purpose. Sex can be part of intimacy and love is often experienced through connection and some of the other values.
What’s important to notice is that some of these needs are polar opposites and in direct conflict with each other:
Safety – Adventure
You can’t have safety and adventure at the same time. Part of having an adventure is to not know the outcome which is inherently risky.
Support – Independence
You want to feel supported and at the same time you still want to feel in charge of your life. When you are looking for support, you’re not as independent anymore. Why? Because you’re relying on someone else.
It’s vital that you know this because you’ll have phases where safety is more important than adventure and vice versa. Not only that, your partner could be at the exact opposite phase which can lead to friction.
Now that we’ve looked at emotional needs in a relationship, let’s bring it back to you.
What Are My Emotional Needs in a Relationship?
To find out what your emotional needs are, take a moment to go through the list we’ve shared above. If you find that it’s incomplete, feel free to add other needs. You can take the NVC-list as inspiration for that.
When you feel that the list is complete, let’s move onto the next step.
What Are My Emotional Needs Quiz
Here’s a short exercise that’ll help you identify your emotional needs. Complete the sentence:
I feel neglected by my partner when he_____
I feel loved when my partner_____
It really gets on my nerves when my partner____
I’d feel humiliated if my partner____
I feel in awe of my partner when____
You may have multiple answers for each sentence, which is fine. Now go back to the NVC-list and see where and how your answers match with the emotional needs you have identified.
It takes introspection and honesty to identify what you really need. But that’s how you build an Exceptional Relationship!
In our coaching work, we help women to get in touch with their needs and emotions so that they can create a relationship that’s deeply fulfilling.
Because most people don’t realize that this is one of the crucial skills needed to keep a marriage strong and free of disappointment.
A marriage is a partnership so being able to identify your needs and communicate it to your partner is an essential skill. If you want a happy and long-lasting relationship, then this is something that you need to get good at. Not just once or twice, but revisit them over time as your needs shift.
The reason why so many couples often don’t succeed in fulfilling their needs in a relationship is because the conversation is inherently vulnerable. You have to let go of the tough exterior and actually admit to yourself and your partner what it is that you need. You have to share and ask from an honest place.
Sounds difficult? It isn’t always easy and doesn’t come naturally to many of us. In fact, this was something that we had to learn in our own relationship. That’s why we teach this crucial skill in The Cherished Wife Program.
When you’re comfortable with yourself and what you want, the communication between you and your partner will improve. Not only that, your intimacy will deepen exponentially when you open up to each other more than ever before.
That’s the magic that you can create when you have the right resources at hand.
10 Signs Your Needs Aren’t Being Met by Your Partner
Being aware of your emotional needs is a good thing. Knowing whether those needs are fulfilled or not is equally important.
Because unmet emotional needs tend to manifest in various ways that can be easily confused with other issues.
So the question now is how do you know if your needs are being met by your partner or not? Find out with the 10 signs below.
1. You Feel Neglected
Other people might abandon you, but it won’t matter if you don’t abandon yourself!- Jachym Jerie
A tell-tale sign of your needs not being met is the feeling of neglect. In a relationship, you commit to each other and that means creating a healthy and wholesome space between you two.
Feeling neglected can point to some unprocessed traumas or emotions from your side as well. Please be aware that your feelings aren’t always a clear indicator of what’s going on.
That said, if you’re a healthy human being who’s at ease with herself, feeling neglect can point to your needs not being met. The feeling of neglect can stem from your husband not being affectionate. If that’s the case, we’ll show you how you can get your husbands affection back here.
2. Your Mind Starts Spinning
When your emotions run high because of your needs not being met, your mind will kick in. You’ll notice that it starts telling you all kinds of stories like:
- He doesn’t love me.
- I’m not worthy of love.
- I can’t take this anymore.
- I have to quit this relationship.
If you pay attention to yourself and your relationship you’ll notice a pattern: every time he does or doesn’t do xyz your emotions kick in and your mind starts spinning. That’s a clear indication that this behavior addresses a certain need you have.
But there’s a fine line between spinning your mind over unmet needs and over those patterns that are deliberately done to cause you harm. Don’t confuse him not fulfilling your needs with the early signs of being in an abusive relationship.
If you truly are in an abusive relationship, please seek immediate help.
3. You’re Resenting Your Partner
When your needs aren’t being met, you’ll start to feel unloved, unappreciated, and not valued. This easily leads to resentment towards your partner because you have the expectation that he’ll make you feel a certain way.
In our coaching work, we help women reconnect with their partner through deep nourishing love.
Because it’s impossible to have a loving relationship if you’re holding a grudge or resentment towards your partner. That’s why healing comes first if you want your needs to be met. But this isn’t always easy.
We recommend speaking with a trusted professional who understands what you’re going through so they can guide you through this healing process and make it easier and faster.
4. You’re Keeping Score
Being a Cherished Wife means to let go of trying to control your man.- Natasha Koo
Not getting our needs met can make us feel like a kid again that’s trying to get love from a parent or sibling. We revert back to keeping score about what we’ve done for our partner and what they have done for us. Underneath this scorekeeping is often a feeling of hurt and neglect.
We tend to keep a scoresheet in our relationships when we fail to receive the same effort we exert. Keeping score is our subconscious way of telling our partner to step up and meet our needs.
But does that really work?
Unfortunately, no. Trying to keep score makes the situation worse because your partner and you have turned the relationship into an economical exchange. This kind of exchange has nothing to do with love anymore.
5. You’re Doing Things for Your Partner Hoping to Get Something Back
A close friend of scorekeeping is doing things with a hidden agenda.
‘I’ll sweep the room and then she’ll tell me how great I am.’
‘I’ll massage him and hopefully we’ll have sex later.’
‘I’ll make him his favorite dinner and then he’ll finally open up about his emotions.’
This kind of behavior is a way of trying to manipulate your partner so that you get what you want. If you find yourself doing this, pause and find out what your need is. You can meet it in other ways that won’t drive you both further away from each other.
6. You’re Thinking About Splitting Up
Not getting your needs met in a relationship can be gut-wrenching. Emotions will run high, which makes it harder to see the stories of your mind for what they are: stories.
Yes, it might be the right thing for you to split up. And it also could mean that it’s time to stop trying to get something from your partner and start looking at how else you can fulfill your needs.
Your partner can’t and will not fulfill all your needs. That’s one of the reasons you have friends and family. These relationships can cover other needs that your spouse isn’t capable of meeting.
This might sound simple but it’s one of the most common mistakes that wives make. They place 100% of their wellbeing in their partner’s hands and get disappointed when their needs aren’t met.
What’s the alternative? Put yourself first so that you’re in a good space and the rest will follow.
You might be used to waiting for your partner to pamper you and treat you well. But you must take the lead and start making yourself happy first. When you do, you’ll naturally become irresistible to your husband.
It can even save you from splitting up. If you want to get our free Irresistible Wife Blueprint, then click here to find out the three keys that bring you two back together even without his effort.
7. You Feel Like You’re Always Rejected
When we don’t know how to:
- Communicate our needs to our partner in an open and vulnerable way, or
- Fulfill our needs through other means,
We revert back to trying to get our way through little attempts of manipulation. But when these attempts don’t work out, you’ll feel rejected. It hurts you even more and feeds into the stories of the mind confirming your ideas: he doesn’t love me, I knew it!!!
Rather than making demands with your partner, make a request:
‘Honey, I’d love it if we could spend some time together on Saturday evening. I miss spending time with you. It would really mean a lot to me if we could have a couple of hours of just being together without our phones. Would you be open to that?’
‘You’re never here. I’m sick of it. This Saturday we are spending time together and I swear if I catch you on your phone it’ll land in the toilet. If you don’t do it, we’re over.’
A request is an invitation for your partner to say yes or no. But a demand gives no choice. Yes, a request can still be rejected, but it’s more likely to succeed than a demand. Remember, we’re not in a relationship just to get our way. We entered a marriage because we want to be together more, as one unit and as a team.
The feeling of rejection can also come when you don’t feel your emotional needs aren’t being met. We have covered how to get your husband to meet your emotional needs here.
8. You’re Fantasizing
What do we do when life feels too hard? We dream of a better one by escaping into our mind. Suddenly you’re with someone else who’s the perfect lover, makes you the most delicious food, and gives you endless massages.
If you find yourself fantasizing a lot, you might have your needs not met in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing, but it won’t lead to a fulfilling life. What you need to do is to face your discontent and start finding ways to satisfy what you truly desire.
9. You’re All the Time on Social Media
If we don’t escape with the mind, we escape with our phones. Social media can feel like a replacement for authentic human connection, but it isn’t. Instead, it leaves you dissatisfied, hollow, and lonely.
Stop using your social media for an extended period of time and feel what happens to you. Be honest with yourself! Because when you are, you’ll be forced to find other ways to truly fulfill your needs. Covering them up with quick shots of dopamine just doesn’t cut it.
10. You’re Jealous of Other Couples Who Seem to Have It All
You walk by a bus stop and see a couple totally in love. They’re holding hands like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Gazing into each other’s eyes, you know that they feel deeply loved.
You want to feel happy for them but, there’s a bitterness that comes with it. ‘Why do they have such a wonderful relationship?! Why doesn’t my husband look at me like that?’ You think to yourself.
This could be a sign that you’re unhappy in your relationship. It also can be a sign that your needs aren’t being met. Whatever is the case, don’t stuff these feelings away. Instead, become raw and vulnerable with yourself. It’s the key to a healthy and authentic relationship.
Phew! That’s quite a lot. But we’ve prepared a bonus relationship quiz for you to check whether your needs are being met or not.
Are My Needs Being Met Quiz
To have a wholesome relationship, you need to be whole yourself.- Jachym Jerie
The following emotional needs quiz looks at you as a whole human-being. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that your partner should fulfill all of the emotional needs that you have. They can’t. That’s why it’s important to see how you fulfill other needs through friends, hobbies, family, and other means.
This quiz refers back to the list of needs in a relationship that we’ve discussed above. Feel free to go back to that section to reread it.
Here are the questions you want to ask yourself:
From a scale of 1-7
- How safe do I feel in my life? (Safety)
- How fulfilled do I feel in my relationships? (Validation)
- How appreciated do I feel? (Appreciation)
- How clearly do I know that I matter? (Validation)
- How supported do I feel by my social network? (Support)
- How often do I do things for myself? (Independence)
- How intimate do I feel with my partner emotionally? (Intimacy)
- How intimate do I feel with my partner sexually? (Intimacy)
- How meaningful does my life feel? (Meaning)
- How often do I feel deeply connected to my partner? (Connection)
- How often do I explore new things? (Adventure)
If you score 3 or under, that need isn’t being met fully in your life. For the questions that apply to a need twice (you see the need in brackets at the end of the question), add the 2 scores together and divide the result by 2.
This quiz is just a little test. It’ll never substitute honesty with yourself but it can spark some interesting explorations.
Before we wrap this article up, we have to give you a warning:
Don’t Abuse Your Emotional Needs
Believing that our emotional needs are our partner’s responsibility can put us in a place of entitlement. The truth is: No one is responsible for your needs except you.
I know it sucks, right? But it’s also good news. It means that you have the power to influence your life and to create an environment in which you thrive. Doing this will allow you to show up in your relationship as a healthy human being that’s content with life. That’s a real basis for a healthy relationship to flourish.
That’s why we show you exactly how to take care of yourself and entice your man to do the same. No forcing, no nagging, and no bickering needed.
Yes, that’s possible.
But you can’t do it if you keep your old habits up. You need to fundamentally change your approach so that your man is naturally drawn to you and wants to be with you forever!
This might sound like an unattainable fairy-tale to you right now, but it’s a reality for those who have the blueprint to a lasting happy marriage. It can be done and you can do it too. You just need to know how.
We show you the exact steps to take in The Cherished Wife Program. Instead of treating your partner like a need-fulfilling-machine, he’ll become the man who wants to lift you up. He’ll never be a machine, but he’ll be a man with a big heart that’s beating for you.
You’ll never get this kind of love from your man if you’re guilt-tripping him and using your unmet needs as a weapon.
Find out exactly what it takes to go from scorekeeping and feeling neglected to finally enjoying and relaxing into a marriage that feels so right. Click here to get on the waiting list for our flagship coaching program.
Being in a relationship where your needs aren’t met can seem like the end of the world (or at least, the relationship). When you got married, you promised to make each other happy. You promised each other your best selves. So it can really shake you up when you realize that you’re not getting what you need.
Instead of doubting yourself and your relationship, you now have 10 solid signs to better understand whether your needs are or aren’t being met. You can use the quizzes and questions we have given to better understand your own emotional needs.
Stop looking for generic advice when you can better improve your own situation. The first step is to understand yourself and what’s really going on. Take one step today to get that inner clarity. After that, you can then decide how to get that need met. Your happiness is in your hands. Don’t wait any longer for someone else to make you happy.
You’re the creator of your love life.
You’re the creator of your relationships.
Happiness and deep fulfillment are at your fingertips.
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